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The Dream of Reality

This might seem crazy to you, but my dreams are real. It doesn’t matter if my eyes are wide open or shut tight, they always see. The visions that come to me or I conjure up don’t differentiate from one another; I can seldom see any real difference between them. Both are real to me, but I can live with this without falling in the dark pit of insanity because I know how to react to them.

I don’t know truth…I don’t pretend too. I’m constantly looking for it, one clear sign of the indisputable real, a piece of evidence that will lay to rest all my doubts about the nature of reality, be it a magical moment of pure clarity whilst watching the setting sun over the snow-filled mountain or a trampled cigarette butt on the cracked, gray pavement. If there was just one thought, one undeniable fact which would prove that everything does exist, I could finally tell you what dreams are.

For now I have to trust that one day that thought or thing will arrive with the overwhelming rush of a revelation and will let me sink deep down into my soul to enjoy the scenery. But I can’t shake the feeling that… everything we call real is an illusion and all that is in our minds is true.

I lay my head onto the nicely chilled pillow which hugs me like the gentlest of lovers, cuddling me and whispering comforting words into my ears. My eyes wander on the ceiling floor, finding shapes and patterns where there are none…but again, how can I truly know they are not there? I start to feel the slightest of tensions in my arms and legs as my mind travels through them. Beginning at my toes, I release the tension, sensing them slowly sinking into the mattress, the pleasant sense of comfort becoming the dominant feeling. I feel my calves and thighs become weightless and yet closely grasping the surface of the bed, like a bird who knows it can fly away at any moment but finds safety and wholesomeness in the shelter of the leaves. My hands and torso soon join my lower half and suddenly my own body feels like it has released itself from its chains and is completely free from any obligation, only my heart and lungs keep steadily moving without missing a beat.

My eyelids grow heavy and, without me realizing, peacefully shut down to show me their insides. The black wall begins to change…

I awake into a black forest, only lit by the full moon hovering overhead. It looks twice its size and you can easily imagine it falling off the wires which hold it to the sky. Its size ensures a wide distribution of reflected sunlight all over the area, creating a unique landscape of blue trees and black shadows. Despite its intense luminosity, the nearby stars are clearly visible, shimmering, inviting you to join them as they play on their vast playground.

I stand in the middle of a clearing which lies in the heart of the forest. All around me stand strong, ancient trees; their branches stretching into infinity, the blue light of the night reflecting off them as if they were posing for the artist who is creating his great masterpiece. As I become accustomed to my surroundings, I notice small, flickering threads of fluorescent blue light, which glow for a few seconds and then dissipate like dust. I approach this phenomenon and realize it is a trail left behind transcendently beautiful, light blue butterflies. I stretch my hand out for one of them to sit upon my fingers so I can analyze them closer.  Their wings show amazing, abstract patterns, all in different shades of blue, some fluorescently shining off the surface, others acting like shadows to the rest of pattern. As they fly, their wings leave behind a thread of blue light, like the condensation left behind airplanes at high altitudes. At first I only see a dozen of these sublime creatures, but as I look into the dark forest I begin to see a whole army of disappearing blue lights everywhere.

I carefully begin walking down a small path carved into the ground by human feet and as I do, everything around me begins lighting up and shutting off in a synchronized manner. I stop to observe this spectacle, but as soon as I do, everything goes back to the initial scene of the dark blue forest and black shadows. I start walking again and the spectacle reappears only this time I’m conscious enough to see what is happening; the vegetation underneath the canopies, which was invisible before, hiding in the black shadows, illuminates in various blue lights, ranging in different shades and intensities. Some flowers radiate strong fluorescent blues, others open up and shine from the inside out, the leaves and bushes move towards my direction, springing and lighting up as if they were intrigued by my presence. I stop again and the activity stops as well. I begin to grasp what is occurring; the vegetation responds to the sound of my steps…the small crackling beneath my feet is waking them up from their nightly rest. They wake up to inspect whatever is causing a slight disturbance in their home and to make sure the intruder will not harm them. I also realize that this is their defence, they function as a symbiotic unite, protecting and supporting each other. I avoid the temptation to run and make as much noise as possible just to see the marvellous show they display, because I feel there is no need to disturb them; they are having their rest as I am having mine. My gaze shifts off to the distance where I notice a silhouette of another human being and by the looks of it, it resembles and old man standing and facing towards me. He looks small, thin and old with a huge, pointed hat and a long coat which is touching the ground.

You must understand that, nothing I have so far described or nothing I will do so, caused me any discomfort. In fact, the more I walked, the more I saw and experienced, the calmer I became; the environment  made it easy to relax and drift off, drift with the feelings which enticed me more and more. The figure didn’t scare me; it excited me for there was another human being there to share this with.

I walk up to the old man, now finally noticing the features on his face; the strong wrinkles, the perpetual smile glued onto him and the luminescent blue eyes which radiated nothing but love and understanding. His attire made him look like a wizard from the fairytales; his wooden staff curled at the top and carved into the shape of a tree leaf; a cape which was long enough to trail behind him was coloured in deep purple and a glass, heart-shaped necklace was hanging around his neck.

He was the first to speak: “This is a magical land, my fellow good man…and also as real as you will ever feel.”

The wizard brought up his hand and pointed behind him, where, for the first time, I noticed we were on a cliff overseeing a mighty blue ocean, which was powerfully reflecting the rays from the moon. The ocean was calm, with the slightest of breezes travelling over it, gently caressing the surface of this world and arousing goose bumps on my skin. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, which with every second got stronger and more potent. This was the kind of relaxation you felt just before you fell asleep, fully embraced by the feeling of warmth and security, but I wasn’t tired, I felt fully alive and awake.

I had to ask the question which was always bewildering me: “How do you know this is real?”

The wizard smiled even brighter, with a look that silently screamed understanding and compassion. “You feel it, see it, hear it, you sense it. This is as real as it gets. Here you’re even allowed to shape it, look!”

He clapped his hands twice and each time a powder like substance flew away from them. The dust was green in colour and still very visible despite the night time. He started whistling and from his mouth the same substance was flying off, this mist which wasn’t masking the world around us but was completely transparent, smelling of freshly cut grass and changing colour depending on the pitch it was in.

I joined in, whistling different melodies to see the vast range of colours which were coming out of my mouth in the shape of a cloud. And the phenomenon spread all around, every small thing which was emanating sound had its small cloud surrounding it, growing bigger and mixing with the clouds around it.

As we were doing this I was too enchanted to realize that the sun was rising and that all the blue colours of the landscape began to shift into other shades, ranging in every colour known to man. The scene resembled nothing else but paradise, the sound mixing with the vision, becoming one world of intensely powerful emotion.

The wizard turned to me in a slow manner, like a father telling a child that it’s time to go home, and said: “This has been real, but you must visit the other reality too. It needs you just as much as we do.”

Everything around me began to lose its intensity, but not in a violent or disturbing manner, no… it was a slow transition, painless, without regret or discomfort, slowly blending back into only one colour. As everything became black, my eyelids felt lighter and they slowly opened, again seeing the patterns resting on top of the ceiling floor.

My entire body slowly awoke and I began to feel the slightest of tensions in my fingers and toes. I felt as awake as I was in the dream, although now fully rested and relaxed.

How do I know what is real? Who can ever tell me or show me the nature of reality? Will I ever find out…or do I really even want too? I do know one thing though…this might seem crazy to you, but my dreams are real…

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Nothing was Everything,

the sense of emptiness became a constant,

all was vain

all lacked sense.

Dreamscape was the holy sanctuary,

it was there we first met,...

you had no name, no face and no body,

but your soul radiated nonetheless,...

I would talk to you for hours

about all the worlds' mysteries

about me, about you...

and we fell in love.

The smallest glimmer of hope 

sparked the dying heart

and inspired me to achieve all I could.

Then,

from the ashes of a lost city,

the rubble of an abandoned place,

you rose.

You had a name, a face and a body

with the soul I knew my whole life, 

the soul I talked to...

I heard my voice say

all the things which were never spoken,

all the things we already discussed.

And I heard your voice,

the sound I yearned for,

the voice of my imaginary friend,

my best friend, my other half,

my everything.

Right there Something happened,

Something which killed the Nothing...

Sisyphus reached the top!

The shade of vanity disappeared,

the mist of nihilism rose to the Sun...

suddenly,

the air had a scent,

the food had a taste,

my lungs felt a breath,...

even pain began to hurt.

Just when I thought

I was already dead,

your heart gave mine a beat.

The taste of your lips, 

the touch of your hand,

the look in your eyes

and the smile on your face,...

now it all

makes 

sense.

Now Life is worth dying for.

And I, now, devote my Life

to yours,

I will climb to the moon,

breathe under the sea,

learn to read without words

and speak the words without sound,

just for you,

for you

and you alone,

Robynn.

If this was love, it would be fleeting,

but my Love for you is ETERNAL.

Because I have loved you 

my whole life.

I've been waiting at the platform

where they said no train arrives,

but I kept waiting,

with all the

vanity

confusion

and pain

I saw all around me.

With all the

pretending

denial

and lies

which accompanied them.

But the train did arrive.

Now I know what I have to do.

In a soul of a lost wanderer now came a goal.

I

will do

everything

to make you and only you

glimpse the perfection

that lays inside you.

As long as I breathe

there will not be

a person

a situation

or a thought

which will again

hurt you

mistreat you

or abuse you.

My Life has a purpose;

to make yours whole.

For this, I die

without a moments' hesitation.

You have fallen in love

with a beaten, broken man.

But in place of the world

which was on my shoulders,

you gave me wings...

and I will use those to carry you

above all torment 

and into the light.

The home of beings

such as yourself.

I will stand before God himself,

beaten, bruised and broken,

asking nothing for myself,

only for the liberation, redemption

and salvation

of an angel trapped inside 

a human body.

And I know

when God will look into your eyes,

into your soul,

he will find all the

love

compassion

understanding

devotion 

and wisdom

he has ever created,

inside one person.

And He will weep

tears of joy,

knowing that all his Creation

truly was not in vain.

It is inside one human,

the light of the world,

the last princess of the universe...

I love you Robynn

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A Letter to You

To Robynn

Dearly beloved, adored, cherished, worshiped and understood,

this world is not for the weak, yet it is the weak who have the most to teach us. They are the ones who see the vanity of living a life unfulfilled, refuse to accept the mediocre as a standard, refuse to live a socially accepted version of a "normal" existence and it is they who suffer the most for it. Seeing the possibility and potential instead of the bad and the ugly in people is a divine blessing and a burdensome curse.

For it is the weak who are the strongest, their damaged souls carrying the most wisdom and knowledge, they wear the scars on their hearts as a badge of honor and it is the foolish who perceive them as lost, confused and dumb, but it is they who fail to see the true beauty in these creatures.

You have allowed me to look into your soul, well aware of your past and the scars it left, but you still trusted me enough with the truth inside you, hoping and praying i would not run away as soon as I saw the being inside. Instead of running, I fell in love; because where you saw darkness, I saw the light, where you saw weakness I saw strength and deep inside, where you thought all was broken, I saw the light of all humanity.

Gratitude is nothing but a word, 9 letters, and I can't help but feel it fails to express the full amount of this emotion I feel...what you have done for me is the utmost a human can do for another human being. If everyone before misunderstood you, denied you the opportunity of being yourself or even tried convincing you that you were wrong, please let me be the one to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with being exactly who you are!

There's an angel inside you, chained by the fools of the world, the strong who are the weak and the found who are the lost. You've been lead to believe throughout your life that their ways are the correct ones, the normal and balanced ones, when in your heart you always knew that there was something big missing all the time. People gave the missing bit different names throughout history, they worshiped it and praised it above all else in human existence, because it justified all the pain we feel.

Because when love comes, it strips you of all your armor and heals all which is bruised. In its presence you collapse and become completely vulnerable, willingly, knowing it will not kill you, but make you stronger. When its true essence embraces your heart, there is no way to break it, other than deny it and denying it is succumbing to the visions and delusions of the foolish and unwise. All other obstacles are merely pebbles on the road, because nothing can destroy that which is true. The truth needs no army to defend it, it defends itself.

Our ties will not break, because they were created, nourished and nurtured by truth, the undeniable, uncompromising and unrelenting truth. We can be in different places, different countries, continents, planets or universes, nothing would change. All the difficult times and struggles will not separate us, but bring us even closer.

I want you to know and remember this forever; my love for you is ever-lasting, uncompromising and unconditional. You're well-being, health and happiness is above all else to me and always will be, because you mean the world to me. Whatever it takes for you to be happy, we will do, with or without me in the picture. I do not want for you to feel trapped, because with me you are not. But I do solemnly swear that I will not let go of you or leave you if I know you are not happy or fulfilled, I will help you in any way I can, until I see you feel the same thing I feel for you inside of yourself.

My hopes and dreams are clear and I will work for them with you to make them come true. Now all that felt vain has a purpose, because now all that was Nothing has become Something...and that Something is now my Everything.

If there is one thing I want to teach you, it's the thing you are teaching me without trying...I want to teach you that all the love you feel coming from me is already inside you, only now it has been allowed to glow and shine to its full capacity. I want you to learn to love yourself as much as I love you...

For me, this letter is just for you, Robynn, but I'm posting it here for everyone to see, everyone to know that the illusions in which we all live are truly vain, unless they are accompanied with the filling of fulfillment, joy and love. All else is Nothing...don't let that Nothing become Everything you know...

I live for the day when we will be sitting under the apple tree together.

I love you; forever never changes

Dejvid

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The One

Dear Little Prince, beloved, bright star, the one...the only One...

My Compass, My Crystal piano, The only star that shines in my night sky

You are building our house in the sky;

a castle with no walls, untouchable, expanding and eternal

i fear to speak. the word may shatter this delicate fabric.

yet, i know that this secret place we share has no end.

you are forever before me and forever will be.

always we find one another.

Nothing changes, just everything.

In your eyes, I see. In your ears, I hear. In your touch I sense

All my love is wrapped in your flesh and bones.

this is the only salvation. the only light.

the only truth worth lying for.

I will make my life, to die with you.

You see that we have always been naked
and you cover me with your love.

That clear sound has penetrated to the very heart 

and shattered the granite statue of Maat

now open to expose the light of balance.

You have seduced me completely

mind, body, and soul:

the trinity is what makes three one 

and six three

we set each other free.

this is how two become one.

i want to post this here, because

love is the only thing that is real

rada te imam,

i love you, Dejvid

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love/hate

Fall in love and you will rise in hate,
Fall in hate to Rise in love.

Hate fell in Love;
Love falls in Hate.
Hate rose in Love;
love rose in hate.
when hate rose to love
peace and life
birthed from
war and death
love wins over hate
only when:
You rise in love,
don't fall into hate.
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Our List

Our list, my love, of all the things we must do:

1.) T-Shirt Designs:  Life is worth dying for

                                              I'm not lazy, I just don't care

                                              The world is controlled by fucking lunatics

                                              I'm not naturally violent, only when I drink (grandma)

                                              I don't even know what the game is about, but I want to play it with you

                                              WE ARE.

                                              One side says SUPERLOVERS, other side says POWERFUCK!

                                             You know something's wrong when you're not even feeling the same temperature any longer

                                             I just think of you and i start laughing

                                             You don't understand the story because you only read the words

                                             Science is the new religion

                                             Discovery/truth/repression

                                             I can let you go but I won't lose you

                                             Something people hope to find in death if they can't understand it in life

                                             The space between space itself, a substance of no substance that IS eternity
                                             I've never known a nose like your nose knows --- this one is the winner!!

2.) Cups that look dirty but aren't (idea by Giovanni Anzaldo)

3.) Apocalypse book!!!

4.) Siamese twins for Halloween

5.) Try and remain quiet on a coffee break

6.) visit a Korean restaurant together  ✔✔✔

7.) Drunk & Yoga

8.) read Nietzsche together

9.) I Have Begun My Ascent + midnight stars

10.) Deduction Experiment - analyze people on the street, deduct something about them, then go and ask them if what was deducted was true.

11.) Personality fucking around aka "Who do you want to be tonight, honey?" - making up roles, then going out in public to "perform"

12.) Dice - select 6 events where to go or what to do, put them on different numbers and let the dice decide

13.) Play To the Moon together

14.) Go to Mother Russia

15.) wear the same or similar clothing

16.) live on an abandoned island for a week

17.) Rhyme game - "Would you in any way be offended..." the response to a quote is always a quote

18.) Harmonize violin & cello (song High Tide or Low Tide)

19.) Random Positive Messaging - posters or stencil art around town

20.) Make stencils - This won't make you beautiful.... and go fuck yourself for me

21.) Visit the dark restaurant together

22.) Watch the German movie - (about being stuck inside for 18 years?)   

23.) Watch sports with classical music

24.) Watch an opera together

25.) Buy DVD's - Derren Brown, Only Fools and Horses, Bob Ross

26.) Make a Bob Ross portrait for our home

27.) Dear Bob - a non-religious religion, worshiping love and love alone

28.) Write emails to: the "i'm sooooo relaxed" woman, the Sasquatch telepathy guy

29.) Book of our characters/Naked in the Dark

30,) Run and play in the Moors - (Wuthering Heights)

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light

For her, you are the light at the end of the tunnel, the halo of glowing yellow that she has been waiting for. Never forget that you are someone worth steering for, someone worth the swift kick in the opposite direction, worth all of the trials and checklists and almostrights because you are a mountaintop, the crush of violet on skin from a rainbow that seems so close to the earth that it must be real. When she comes to you, gorge on her compassion. Fill yourself completely. She thinks you a miracle, a revelation and will count herself as the lucky one. Do not question her or yourself — this is exactly the kind of love you deserve.

(quote from Cody Gohl, with gender shift)

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