I performed the other night and I was really nervous because I was afraid that people would hate me. I think that I sang beautifully but I couldn't stop shaking. I even held the microphone with both hands to steady myself. I do not want to die tonight. I have made the decision over and over again to stay sober but it is really difficult because like you say I think I am above the law. Perhaps this is because of the accolades I received as a young child and adult. I always receive praise for my accomplishments. It makes one feel invincible no? But I am growing up or at least I am trying to. I was raised by a single parent family. By my mother whom I love and hate. My father was horrible. My mother was horrible. They are both flawed egotists and I learned well from them. I am no longer having sex. Partly because of you, partly because I contracted HPV, and partly because it brings me no pleasure. I have never orgasmed during sex. It was always by my own hand that I allowed this rape of my body to occur. Although, I am fearful to say it was rape but that is how it felt to me. I am numb emotionally and suffer silently. But I am in therapy now so fingers crossed I will get healthy. I love you. Some of the best times and memories I have are listening to you. You inspire me to sing, to draw, to dance, to write, and most importantly to heal. Thank you. I keep an imperfect anal life playing house and dress up for the husband I hope one day to have. Perhaps, it will be you. Dream on Rhael child. But I love you Thom even if I am not worthy of you. I put up the sign, "You are not above the law" against my vanity to remind me not to do drugs. It is a life lesson I am learning the hard way. I am going natural too-all leg hair, pubic hair, armpit hair, facial hair and I have a moustache. And I threw away all my make-up. In the spring I plan to walk for my health at the insistence of others. "Oh Rhael, just lose 20 lbs." Assholes. I don't care if I am obese, I am still beautiful, don't you agree Thom? I haven't touched my guitar in a few days. I draw all over it. My mother called it a hippy guitar. Perhaps, the women in my family are fucked up because my grandmother was a beautician and taught us to maintain a certain façade. My mother is never happy. No one in my mother's family is. And we are all very cliquey. There are pockets and subgroups and it's ridiculous. We never left high school, and I am still the loser in everyone's eyes. I hate it. I want to be an artist and not a lawyer which was shoved down my throat since middle school. My family won't or can't pay for my education and I ran out of scholarships. But now I'm disabled (Mwuahahaha) so maybe school will be cheaper...I don't know. I am lucky I guess. Thank Satahn for the government. So much for being an objectivist. Damn I am the ultimate fuck up but I survive.
Love you and good day,
Rhael
