Lions and tigers and bears do not leave me in a state of amusement

[Vanessa Vasquez]

Theory: The universe has taken my brain hostage and is declining its return until I — (what is something I could never do?) — stop thinking about and referring to myself in a pejorative manner.Alternate theory: My brain is suffering severe atrophy and what currently seems like a mere hiatus in relative normalcy is actually a permanent and therefore everlasting calamity.Moderately realistic and highly metaphorical theory: Recent events have caused my brain to go on a sympathy strike due to my figurative heart’s recent cease in [more] figurative operation.Extra-terrestrial theory: My brain is currently being borrowed without consent by experimenting aliens and has been replaced with a makeshift brain.Word to the mothership: If this is the case, I’ve noticed. Unimpressive.Existentialist theory: I am having a quarter-life crisis.Paris Hilton theory: I am stuck in a blonde moment.Data: My behavior.Tests: Subject is an unwilling participant.Observations: Disconcerting.Conclusions: None.Serenity: Later.Despair: Certain.