PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS AN OLD TOSSER...

[omniblob]

greetings, w-a-s-t-e-rels!i hope this message finds you well. i'm trying to flesh out the start of a novel at the moment and it's going about as well as such things usually go. in other words, like giving birth through your nostrils.don't write, if you can possibly avoid it. it's a path towards frustration, no matter how good (if you get anywhere near good) you may become. that's some free advice. my work colleague, who is far, far cooler than me, gives out advice like;"the new five pence piece makes an excellent, impromptu coke-spoon."but i'm wa-aaay too uncool to even know what that means. besides, my socially aware, vegan, ethical principles would be rendered moot if i supported that particular industry.another good piece of advice is to never eat peanuts when sitting on the toilet. it'll end horribly.writing is a constant process of looking for an excuse to reward oneself with coffee and toast, hey! i've written a paragraph! time for a cuppa, i can always get back to writing later....i'm talking about my "real" writing here, the torturous process of over-thinking everything to the point of ruining it, trying to control the impossible - the reaction and interpretation by an unknown third party. the reader. another good piece of advice is not to tie your psyche and self-esteem to a mast entirely made of external factors, like the subjective opinions of others, or commercial "success". there's nothing but trouble along that road. be happy in yourselves, dearest friends and w-a-s-t-e-rs!then buy all of my books...that's why i like these blogs, dear friends, i just type nonsense as it comes into my head. no need for grammar (or even capital letters!) whatsoever, never mind plot or theme. this is probably the reason why these are often better than my "real" writing. there's a horrible thought. oh, the imagined problems of the put-upon artist!i'm so tortured, blues singers come to my flat when they have writer's block.whoops! there i go again. i swear, i need liposuction for my big, fat mouth...regular readers (yes, you madam) will be delighted to know that the lovers in my work are well. the bloke has started speaking to me and trying to be terribly nice. perhaps he's worried i will whisk away his girlfriend (see previous blogs for details) who, fortunately, has gone back to doing her best rain-man impression in my company. those of you who have inspected my profile in detail will be aware that i'm never going to be mistaken for johnny depp but, tragically, these bizarre romantic incidents always blow up in my face.some random married woman tried to pull me at the bus stop last week, seriously. my best friend and associate, THE LEGEND, perhaps put it best when he said;"you used to be a fanny-magnet, now you're just a fanny."THE LEGEND is currently upset because i laughed at his request for assistance in buying a blueberry. he meant a certain brand of personal electronic organiser. maybe i'm the only one who thinks that's funny?i'm off to the deli tomorrow, to buy a blackberry muffin...back to work it is, then. remember, i love you all. and, at the end of the day, love and hope are all we truly have.even that sounds like a bon jovi lyric.i love you,steve x.