"ahem.. hi"

[Alese]

I no longer feel like I can do much on my own. I mean, I can, but... there's things missing. I'm not getting the information I want, I'm not following through with it, I'm not focused and I'm concluding it to loneliness. Obviously not physical loneliness because I'm only alone before bed, like now, but mental loneliness if that makes sense. And let me tell you, it's not much better than the previous. My thoughts are single, solitary... there's nothing to feed them, agree, disagree, understand, misunderstand. I don't know if it's me or the company I'm keeping. In a perfect world it would of course be the company I keep as I wouldn't be able to do any wrong, but in a realistic world, it's probably me... being secluded intellectually, pretending more that I don't think much harder than I have to, to get through the day. I've gotten pretty good at faking people out, and myself to be honest. Sometimes I do think that I'm slightly taking on traits of a very person I don't want to be. A person who stays quiet, stays in the background. A person who looks at the people living "MY" life and thinks "What if it never happens?". I just want to learn more and more and more and more and I need to be pointed in the right direction.goddamnit