Chooooo choooooooooooooo

[Vanessa Vasquez]

Things always happen for a reason. You fall off a train because it’s going to crash into a brick wall in several hours. Instead of breaking your whole body and dieing in a pool of blood you break your arms and cry out in pain.Small price to pay for the painful end.But it’s never easy to willingly jump out of a perfectly well maintained machine. I mean are you crazy?Of course you aren’t? But you wanna live don’t you? What’s few broken bones to a long drawn out death?I am not making any sense am I?No, of course not. But the important thing is that I know what I am talking about. It’s me, and the voices in my head. We all make sense to one another.I am on that train right now. I can jump off now, or I can dig out the pliers, the wrench, and the duct tape that I keep in my purse and fix this before my train comes crashing against the wall. Even then there is no guarantee that it wont crash again. Or I can hold on tight and ride it for as long as I can, and then say “Not afraid of the possibility of pain.” And if for some reason I come out alive from the crash I can be alive to tell my grandkids what a daring stuntwoman I truly am.In all reality, this isn’t my train to stop. I mean it is. But my seat is incredibly comfortable, the view is amazing, the likelihood of an accident is evidently possible. But I want the scars. I want the scars so that I can say I survived it. Because when I point out my experience, I can say that I wanted to be a coward, and I wanted to run, but I chose to be a hero and I stayed.In all reality, this must be one of the most confusing entries I have ever written. But only one person knows what it truly means. And I am just going to keep it at that.I am not running the show. I am taking the back seat and marveling at the scenery. Because in the end, regardless of the outcome, I have a positive “experience”. One way or another. ( I would much rather it be one way than the other), but its not my decision to make.