Dear Mr. Williams

[Jean Dotson]

It's been about five days since your passing on from this existence. I have gone through many emotions since hearing the news of your suicide. I have demons of depression myself. I have been taking medication for 20 years now. I have never once regretted that decision. What bothers me the most about your passing, is that you either couldn't or didn't want to find a lifeline. I sometimes think I would have rather you broke your sobriety, rather than to have you die with it, if that's what kept you from ending your life..... I keep wondering if any of the techniques that I use to deal with incredible sadness, would have worked with you. I know I need, crave, can't live without sunshine. It really does boost the serotonin level. I sometimes like to soak in a tub of sea-salts, lavender and chamomile oil. It helps to soak the toxins out of your body and allows you to numb out and relax for a minute. It stops the endless chatter in your head from thoughts of self demise and emptiness. I also like to drink a nice tea with a little sugar or honey, the caffeine helps to give me a little boost. I love the ocean and sometimes in my mind I like to visit the beach or look at pics I've taken of the beach. The constant flow of the waves in and out, in and out, is so refreshing and I pretend with the waves that when they go out, out goes my pain. When the waves come in, in comes health, newness and life. I would have liked to have been there for you, or would have liked that someone may have been there for you when you made your final decision. I know that when I have held the bottle, the pills, the knife, the gun, the ledge, whatever... I came very close to ending my life. Each time though, I would stop, breathe in deep, pray to the God of my understanding, listen for His voice, and ultimately in that moment find a sense of peace and warmth. It was as though God was holding me in His arms and saying to me, "not now Jean". I hear the words "you are not alone, I hear your pain, I will get you through this, have faith in Me and yourself". If you were my friend Mr. Williams, I would have not let you down. I would have run the sea-salt bath myself. I would have even jumped in and held you. I would have taken you by the hand and lead you outside away from the dark room with the blinds and curtains drawn. I would have made you that cup of tea and helped you drink it if you needed. I know you were tired, I know you had barely enough strength to breathe.....I am so sorry.  I will keep you alive in my heart Mr. Williams. Your work on this earth was so appreciated. You gave so many of us smiles, laughter, tears, joy, and even in your personal life, I hear you were a gentle and kind spirit. I have decided to let you go tonight. This week has been a real challenge for me personally. I am reminded of how life was for me and I am reminded of how life is for me now.  My heart aches for all of us who suffer from mental illness or bouts of depression. I pray for all of us to find peace here and now, not just in the afterlife....Rest In Peace Mr. Robin Williams.