Dick Cheney Paid Me to Go See Radiohead

[Gabriel Sandler]

I have to tell this story to someone, because I've been carrying it around for far too long, and I swear 100% of it is true, and I'm not entirely proud of this, nor is it my intention for this to come across as boastful in any way. In fact, it is largely due to my own personal shame about this that I am posting the story, as a form of therapy, to absolve myself of my sins so that I may refresh my ethical browser windows and recalibrate my moral compass. Here goes: This is a story about the only time I have ever had a seat at a Radiohead (or Atoms for Peace) concert, and that seat was in The Halliburton Box at the Cynthia Woods Pavilion Theater in The Woodlands, TX. That's right, Dick Cheney paid for me to go see Radiohead and bribed me with luxury seating, gourmet food, beverages (both the hydrating and dehydrating kind), and all the free Radiohead merchandise I wanted. I decided that I could only handle so much bribery, so I only accepted a couple of T-Shirts, one for me and one for my girlfriend at the time, who couldn't attend but was there in spirit. Since it was Texas and Halliburton, my friend Steve and I were the only two people who liked Radiohead that the Halliburton executives could find, even though their Booth holds up to fifteen very wealthy and connected oil people. Because of all the empty seats around us (12, because there was me, my friend Steve, and the Halliburton Executive who is in charge of bribing people), I didn't sit down much myself - Radiohead is one of the only bands that truly commands an audience to dance, in my opinion, and for some reason it's always been that way with me, no matter what the circumstances are leading up to the event. I'm a little weirded out by the fact that Thom Yorke is always stealing my dance moves every time I see him, though, and I'll have to confront him about it someday. Anyway, Dick Cheney and Halliburton paid me to go see Radiohead, and it was an amazing show. Incidentally, Halliburton's Box is designed to have the best sound at the Woodlands venue, and it was one of the best Radiohead concerts I have ever attended, in spite of my guilty conscience.