bear with me whilst i vent....
You would have been 70 today or so i read. You died october 4, 1970 or so i saw on the television special just now. You fucked up and I am ready to tell you, that I am so pissed off at you. I lived and breathed you. When you killed yourself you selfish bitch, you killed a part of me too. I started using drugs because i wanted to die, just like you. I dressed like you, I sang like you, I wanted to be a rock star like you. You fucking drug addict. I have never forgiven you. I will never forget you. I will never ever listen to Pearl again, it tears me up inside. You were my musical idol. I had no idea you had such low self esteem like i did. You had the resources to get it together. You had the motivation to get it together. You were just beginning. You were so fucking talented, gifted and beautiful in your own special way. Just like I was.
Today all I want to do is get shitfaced drunk or stoned. Today all I feel is numb just like I did when I was 14 years old and heard you had overdosed that night. The woman of the 60's, the role model for women, the success story for a woman. You fucking blew it and 43 years later I am still pissed as hell at you. I will not get shitfaced today. I will not get drunk. I will feel my anger towards you and every other one of you fuckers that killed yourself. That included you Jimmi Hendrix, that includes you Jim Morrison, that includes you Kurt Kobain and yes you Amy Winehouse. Yes, I know the pressure of being a rising star. Yes, I know the pressure of being a role model. Yes, I know you hurt and needed love. Yes, I know what it is like to be in a room full of people and still be lonely. But no, I will not succumb to the system, or society, or insanity. I will stay on my medication. I will have more suitable idols or role models. I will enjoy my vocal gifts and love of music. But I will not give in to the temptation to run and hide from reality or my feelings. I have come too far since being 14 years old and strung out. I have come too far from being totally aware of my surrounding and situations, to give it up for a couple of hours of numbness. I really liked, admired, loved so many of your gifts and talents. I wish to God you were still here! If i get to the other side where you are, I will tell you to your face. Your hurt so many of us. You could have gotten help. You should have checked the potentcy of the smack. You should have waited one more day and you would have heard of the other 8 people who died from the same smack that weekend. You shouldn't have been holed up alone in the Landmark Hotel. Now we will never know what beautiful work you could have continued doing.
Yes, I am speaking to you again. Keep your shit together. A lot of folks are counting on you! Be pissed off at me all you want. At least you are feeling something and not comfortably numb!!!
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