Living on the edge

[Vanessa Vasquez]

Since I was a little girl I loved the rain. I would look for every excuse to be outside splashing in the rain, spinning around as my wet cloths clung to my body. Not much has changed since I have grown up.I still love the rain. The last time I played in the rain was a while back. I stood on a hill with my eyes closed, arms stretched open and tears running down my face. I didn’t spin around, but I did sit on the ground with my back against my tire and my head in my face.Its raining today, and I am antsy to be outside. But instead I am wrapped up in my blanket with a cup of coffee carefully cupped by both of my hands. And my mind is racing in every which direction.Today I can talk to you about anything…I am even willing to admit to having weaknesses. I will outline all of my fears and trepidations. I can sit here and confess to everything that I have held close to my heart and soul and lost them all.But it’s no longer worth keeping it all inside of me. Because I know that I am not alone. Whether you admit it or not, you have the same issues as I do. I just happen to be better at keeping them suppressed and hidden from public scrutiny. That’s all. It’s just that I am done acting strong and perfect.My biggest fear in life has been judgment and failure. I hate people’s views and thoughts. On occasion I have caved in and put on a mask and entertained the crowds avoiding all things that would trigger someone’s personal viewpoint. That’s just how much I hate being judged. Enough to avoid it at all cost.Now, I don’t entirely care. As a matter of a fact I don’t care about anything. You want to fuck on the first date. Sure go ahead, I’ll supply the condoms. You want to quit your job and live under a bridge, I say you go for it. I will bring you warm soup and my blanket on a rainy day. You want to get married, go for it! You live this life once. I will be the witness at your wedding and the shoulder for you to cry on when you file for a divorce.I don’t care…..I am done fighting for things to fall in the right place under synchronized order. It’s such a stressful fight. And the longer I fight for it, the harder I fall and bruise my ego. Maybe its time for me to live my life the unorthodox way. Careless….. free….and without the concern of being judged.For now I want to live dangerously. I want to play with fire. I want to have a tea party on the train tracks. I want to run wild in the rain with my eyes open. And if I fall down…bruise myself, break a bone, burn off my hand, then I know where to come and I hope you will have the right things to say to me, and not just “I told you so.”My writings have been my savor for the last few years. I have seriously watched myself grow. I have been goofy….stupid….rude….cruel…..heartless….broken…..hurt….and a hard ass. And I am going to continue being all of that; I just want to do it carelessly.All my life I have measured everything and calculated the risks I take with meticulous caution. I think I am done doing thatThis is all about me…..and I plan on keeping it that way. You could say that I am done being meticulous. I just want to live life on edge….because I can only do it once.