PART 5
Radiohead Fan Fiction
PART 5
Thom's hotel room. He is writing a hate note to Phil. It reads:
Dear Phil,
I am quite distressed that you would sink to this new low. I know that you took your little voodo doll of me and tore out its vocal chords. That was completely unneccesary. Just because I ridiculed you in front of your family and on national TV doesn't give you the right to give me what's coming to me! I mean, who thinks "Phil" when they think Radiohead? NOBODY! YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! NOTHING! HAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA!
P.S. I HATE YOU
P.P.S. DROP DEAD
P.P.P.S. I HATE YOU MORE THAN I DID BEFORE!
Love, Thom
suddenly, the TV show he is watching has a breaking news repot.
REPORTER: Breaking news! A very sad day in music today. When we think of Radiohead, most think lovingly of Phil Selway. Well last night, Mr. Selway tragically died in a freak accident.
Thom's lazy eye suddenly becomes completely normal.
REPORTER: Police are looking for this man. (picture of Thom)
THOM: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Oh, my voice healed!
REPORTER: If you see this man, let him know that the police chief is a huge fan and loves the new album. Anyway, back to the murder. Police are looking for this man again (picture of Thom)
THOM: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
REPORTER: ...because he must be heartbroken over the loss of his friend. So if you see him, just pat him on the back or something. We think that Phil might have been killed by this man...(picture of Thom)
THOM: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
REPORTER: ...'s friend's enemy. Which, is who, logically would kill someone. You, know, their enemy...anyway, back to Spongebob.
THOM: Oh, god, they think I killed him! Gasp! I gotta destroy this letter! (puts it in the trash, face up.) They'll never find it!
meanwhile...
ED: OK, let's try this again... (he picks up the phone and dials again...but he has the wrong number...)
MAN: Hello, Priory of Sion. How may I help you?
ED: (to himself) what? (in funny voice) I'm gonna kill you...
MAN: Who is this?
ED: THIS ISN'T ED! It's...Phil...
MAN: Oh, grandmaster! Good to talk to you again!
ED: What?
MAN: So, do you still have the holy grail?
ED: Um...yes...
MAN: good, where is it? We desperately need it!
ED: Um...it's...right here...next to me...
MAN: ...what?
ED: Yeah...I'm drinking some smirnoff out of it...it tastes really good. Must me the Jesus power...and stuff...you know...Jesus...his cup...
MAN: Excuse me?
ED: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAA....
what will happen next??!!
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