there was, of course, once upon a time, a small idiot kid, feeling misunderstood, like all tragic children that eat too much chips and watch to much television that live among us, brothers and sisters in specie, but viewed as aliens, for no particular reason <they say>
while the small idiot kid was spending time whining,watching porn, playing mass-murdering videogames and pretending not to have an adrenalinique, but casual existence, in hell one's evil plan is germinating in one's evil mind: to destroy earth. yeah, we never heard that one before!as i was typing, the evil wants to kill life on earth just for the fun of it, so i won't spend too much time with pointless, dull explanations, for instance the creature was mistreated by its malefic parent by not wanting to buy it a mass-murdering machine, even if it was on sale.
so it gets married with another mega-evil creature from HELL! and their curious affection created a being as evil hell can be. the creature was so mean, than even hell itself was pretty shocked to host such an abomination. so hell suggested the parents to put their new born thing in an exile on earth, home of all of this kind. the evil creature i was typing about earlier <remember? it wanted to destroy the world and stuff> couldn't hope for more. it pretended to not be ok with it, but hell insisted on the deal.
so they left their creation in crystal palace park, london in the middle of the night. the other parent was not happy. it said to it <the one with the evil plan> that it's going to miss Horsiebird.
"who the fuck is horsiebird?"
"our baby!can't you see? it looks like a horsiebird. it has wings! can you fly, love?"
"i prefer not to answer to a couple of unprincipled traitors of blood lines abandoning their own kind in a goddamn freezing middle of south london park!"
"its first words!" cried it <the one who was going to miss Horsiebird> with excitment.
"don't talk to it and don't name the thing, otherwise you'll be depressed for decades and give some bad inspirations to humans, like it happened to the demon who suggested 5 member boy bands singing pop music in a very gay way!"
"that's highly thoughtful of you, having concerns regarding humans. but what about leaving some bloody mittens so i won't fucking freeze, thinking that i left a place were the temperature difference is more than 30 degrees...celsius" said Horisebird really irritated.
"oh,my! it talked to you! you hear that?"
"with all my seven ears. we have to flee, before it manipulate us with baby cuteness to take it back.come!"
so they disappear."guys? mittens?... blast and curses! i already hate existence!"
666
so the story started with the idiot kid, didn't it? he was wondering in crystal palace park, for who knows what reason, regarding the fact that he was a normal teenager, in mid adolescence, a age so inappropriate to waste time in fresh air, when you can break rules, smoke and play brainwashing video games. and he suddenly hear screams. so he thinks a cheap concert may befall.
so he hears "OMFG! OMFG! AN EVIL CREATURE FROM HELL! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" so he thinks "i should check this shit out!"
and he approaches the monster in his innocence, with calm.
"wazup!"
"tourist, aren't you? well, i'm not a national excitement son.but you can try taking a picture to the lovely ducks that wonder around in the lake. i was feasting with a couple and, i must say, they taste rather spicy with all this pollution around!" said Horsiebird, suppressing a burp.
"no, that's the way we say 'hello' today!"
"oh, seriously? i thought that's how you say "may i take a picture?" in polish. bloody hell, the human creativity has no borders, indeed!" pointlessly Horsiebird tried some dry humor, but Idiot Kid had no concept of sarcasm.
"so, what are you, you funny looking thing? are you some exotic animal escaped from the zoo, trying to get back to Australia?"
"well, my beloved parents that were kind enough to abandon me all of the sudden wrote this interesting brochure attached to my left wing. can you reach it?"
"yeah sure." said the Idiot Kid, curious. "oh, fuck! i don't have my reading glasses!" revealing one of his darkest secrets.
"don't mind that. they choose a really big size to express their kind love towards me."
Idiot Kid took the brochure and started trying reading it. it started in this manner:
"BEHOLD! this is an EVIL CREATURE from HELL!
BEWARE! it is HIGHLY EVIL!
AND HIS FIERCE NAME IS
HORSIEBIRD
<with blood running out of the writing, but i can't create the special effect here>
it can melt you with you with its x-ray sight, vaporize you with its smelly toxic breath, it has sharp nails made of stainless steel and dangerous fluffy that can carry you onto space ,than cut you in pieces, than drop you, let you rain blood over the world. and most dangerous of all: it's poisonous gas. it casts loose all junk food it had it's short life in hell.
why did it have such a short life in hell, you wonder?
it was abandoned by its parents,because it was too fierce for hell itself!
but you can take it home. IT'S FOR FREE!"
"for free?" exclaimed the idiot."then i'll take ya!"
"really? why do i wonder? asked horsiebird itself. will i have my own bathroom? i fancy long baths."
"we should become friends! i'm Just an Idiot Kid."
"i figured that out by myself.what about the bathroom i asked?"
"oh, can you read minds as well? by the way, i am socially programmed to ignore subjects that i don't care about, for instance what are my parents going to say, seeing you on our sofa bed.but annoying them is the only way to make them realize my existence is still present among them. so, be prepared to be surprised." said the Kid's conscience under Horsiebird's influence, wanting to know about it's own bathroom.
"darn... well, i can perform telepathy, indeed, but it doesn't take an evil genius to figure out your name."
so they went
666
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