I've decided that since I am on the radiohead website, I should write something to do with my connection to something "radiohead" for once, instead of just rambling on and on about myself, my emotions, and whats going on in my life. (well this is also going to be about that, too, haha, only myself, my emotions, and what has happend in my life in connection to RadioHead)
I was listening to the song "these are my twisted words" just a second ago, and it reminded me of so many memories, and i thought maybe it would be a good idea to share that. whether anybody reads it or not doesn't really matter because it's just really nice to have this space to vent, write, and read what other people are doing too. I feel like this site is a place where we can all let go, in our varrying degrees. It seems as though we all feel comfortable enough to express amungst one another whatever it is we feel like sharing, whether radiohead related or not, which is really cool!
With that being said, I will now continue with my memories connected to that one particular song by radiohead...
About two years ago now, while I was living in Vancouver, right next to the Lost Lagoon, I would spend hours on my balcony, dangling my feet through the rails. I could even fit my head through the bars, but that kind of freaked me out because i was sure that one day it might just get stuck, and how embarrassing would that be! I would swing my feet in a circular motion, and stretch my arms through the bars, and pretend that I was dancing in the air. I find stupid, yet, amuzing ways, although unpreductive, to pass my time. I found the warm summer air with the light breeze soothing, and I could do this mid-air dance for hours it seemed without getting bored, until I was seriously entransed from it.
Not only would I spend hours dangling my feet off the edge of my appartment building, but I started sleeping on the floor just so that I could pretend that I lived outside. I have a strange envy, and respect for homeless people, because deep down I want to be homeless, but i'm not brave enough. I secretly resent owning anything, but at the same time cannot give up the comfort and practicality of it, so i've become some-what of a minimalist, to the best of my ability (camping is my next best option).
So, yes, I stopped sleeping in my bed-room and I moved my bed to the living room floor by the sliding door. I would go to sleep with the door wide open, and my head rested on the edge of the balcony so I could fall asleep watching the sky. I would use the angle of the building slicing through the sky to measure how the star constellations were turning. It's amazing to watch the constellations change at such a subtle degree that you start to feel as though you are actually being rocked to sleep by the Universe. That was a crazy summer for me in many ways. MAINLY because I was letting go of a lot of things that had held me captive for quite some time. That summer i just shot through something holding me inprisoned and I released all this creative expression in the most bizzar ways. Again none of this being "productive", but with that being said...I really disagree with this entire generation of productivity. i THINK there is a lot more to be said about experiencing Being-rather than Do-ing just to be filling a void of some sort, or to be seeming that your doing somthing just because you don't want to face the fact that no matter what you do your life is vain and no matter what it might be concidered by some a waste of time.
During this time I descovered some dark realities...dark spiritual realities...and it almost caused me to lose myself, but some-how dancing, and trees/nature, kept me sain through this time, and through what I was diving into, both mentally and spiritually. The spiritual growth that I've done since then until now is actually astounding, for me to look back on. I marvel at it.
The reason why this song makes me think of this time period for me is because, this song came out some time that same summer, and the words just related so much:
" these are my twisted words,
went off the roof still walking... ( now i don't know if thats what thom really says, because sometimes he's a little bit hard to understand in certain parts of his songs, like for the longest time i thought that one of his lyrics to everything in it's right place was "yesterday i woke up sucking a little more" when really it is "yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon" not too much different, but still enough different that it made me realize how little words in songs really matter at all! words are more on a subconcious level, and that can be dangerous...especially when you take a nice close look at all the songs promoted on main stream media. think about that.)
"I know I should not look down, but i'm so sick of just talking,
when are you coming back, I just can't handle it"
Again, those lyrics, all of them, where like....just really connected to a lot of what I was feeling, and going through during this time. Musically too, the melody, guitar, and how long the intro is is just...mind blowing amazing, and also really just depicts a lot of the darkness i could feel at that time.
Sometimes I imagine that Thom's brain and mine are connected, and that we communicate telepathically, and through his music, haha, is that weird or what!
Anyways... Thom basically sings what I was thinking many times dangling my feet over my balcony, pretending that I could walk in the air, pretending that words don't matter, pretending that I can explain everything that I cannot, pretending that we could meet eachother in the air...if only we could walk on the air...if only we could do the impossible...if only we could lose ourselves....lose ourselves to that moment.
I did, I danced with the night, and I let it rock me and cradle me and hold me until I fell asleep...
and I listend to thoms voice sing back to me my very own thoughts, and it made me feel safe, and it made me feel like i was at home in my body, and in this world.
thankful for those times i felt safe, and comforted by a voice i do not know and yet understand,
and to feel that in a world where i am in... and yet so removed from at the same time.
it helped me not to jump off, many times when i wanted to. it helped me not to jump off.
thank-you Thom for for your twisted words, because they very much so match up a lot more often than not, with my twisted thots,
and everything else.
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