An experience I had when I was 22 years old, while living in Vancouver near Main St.
The moment I approached the back alley dumpster in the dark, as he turned to face me, I thought "I'm fucked". Although I was filled with fear as soon as I felt this dark vibe surrounding this person, some-how I remained calm. The 'Wolf' was at least six feet tall with long hair pulled back into a pony-tail and wearing orange overalls with a teddy bear, yes, a teddy bear in his front pocket of the strange suit. I was about three meters away when I noticed him there, and as I approached to throw out the trash realized what a bad idea it had been to go out in this neighborhood, alone, in the dark. I had no idea that there could be danger in my own back yard. This wasn't exactly Hastings st. but this neighborhood in Vancouver near Main St. was no walk in the park either.
Stupid, stupid, stupid...i thought...as I threw my bag in the dumpster beside this huge giant of a man...and walked back a few steps slowly, not turning my back. Some how there is this animal instinct that comes alive inside when faced with real danger...and that night it was turned on full force. I made small talk, because I saw bad thoughts in his eyes. Knew if i were to run it would be bad. He would turn on me. I said "hello"..sheepishly and complimented his teddy bear... mmmm.. didn't really know how to direct the conversation at first. Meanwhile he just glared down at me like some monstrous impending doom, replying rather oddly "I really don't like talking with people" and "I'm afraid of people". I replied, while stepping slowly backwards toward the lit up street behind, that I don't much like talking to most people either...and that "usually I don't know what to say in normal conversations". He just looked at me blankly, shook his head and confessed to me in a very dark way, he said,"I'm thinking really bad thoughts right now".
Now, this should have made me freak out and yet, somehow it didn't. I remained calm and replied "That's OK! We all think bad thoughts sometimes, it's normal"...but he just kept on repeating this "bad bad bad thoughts right now"...while shaking his head. He almost resembled an autistic child repeating the motion that makes them calm. Then he turned to me and confessed another thing... he had just gotten out of Jail. Uh oh.
Not that this came as a big surprise to me, with the overalls, and the over-all vibe i felt while approaching him. Again i re-affirmed to him that I was not afraid of him, or his thoughts...by saying "THATS OK, EVERYBODY thinks bad thoughts sometimes"... (maybe some people have worse thoughts than others)
This was not going anywhere. I noticed his hands were shaking. I decided, my best luck was to try and trick him into a different mind frame. I knew that this would either work, or turn into a disaster! I had to take the chance. and so i said to him "Look it's really dark outside, I was thinking to walk down to the nearby Coffee Shop and get something, I'm a little bit afraid, would you please walk me there?"
...and IT WORKED haha...I saw the giers in his mind changing...and he transformed into a different person!
Instantly he pirked up into the "I'm the man! Mode"...he completely changed personality in an instant. "He said yah sure no problem. You know a little lady like yourself shouldn't be out alone so late at night...the Mans always got to walk on the outside of the lady to protect her from danger..."
Meanwhile I'm just thinking...OK...all i got to do is get out of this alley into the main road...and we are good to go. Turns out the guy wasn't so bad after all. He started pouring out his heart to me, while every now and then going into very dark thoughts, I managed to change the subject or confirm that it's OK to him. I was feeling more and more safe as we walked along the lit up road, cars passing, towards the coffee shop at the corner of my street. The man took off his gloves and showed me his hands, they were covered in these pussy scabs. I felt so sorry for him. I think the scabs may have been from him taking the drug called Speed? Anyways, as we walked, at some point, he looked down at me and said with a kind of smile "you know, you can make yourself into a real victim can't you?" or something like that. I looked up at him, directly into his eyes and replied "yah, but your not allowed to hurt me"...and to my great surprise, he turned his head down like a shy little boy and said
"I know"
This was one of those great moments in life where your're thinking, wow, is this a dream! This can't be happening! It blew my mind!
While we were at the Coffee Shop I offered to buy him something but he didn't eat or drink anything. He just needed to talk. He poured out his life story to me, how so many councilors have tried to help him with the voices inside his head and all this psychological stuff that never worked for him! I just told him the only advice i know is to just realize in the moment that you think something bad to say to yourself "it's just a thought, and it will pass" and I also advised him "DON"T act on the bad voices! Do NOT listen to them anymore and they will go away and the less he focuses on the negative voices the less power they have over him" ...it's probably advice no different than the councilors would have given, but I had to try.
He smiled at me in this really boyish way. I felt in that moment talking with him like he was this hurt little child trapped inside this huge man body. He was a sheep in wolves clothing.
The man said "I thinks this Teddy Bear was protecting me tonight"...and I replied "I think it was too" and then he offered the bear to me as a present, but I said "no, i can't accept it.. you need him more than I do"
I really feel like that teddy bear protected me that night. If it hadn't been for that fucking teddy bear sticking out of his pocket, I wouldn't have been able to see the child inside the man. My fear would have taken over, and he may have reacted to it. Who knows what could have happened! I'm just happy that no harm came to me, or to him.
I gave this giant boy a hugg, and off he went to wander the streets of Vancouver, alone.
I walked home, no longer afraid of the dark, or bad thoughts.
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