To be free and fabulous

[PrttyBrd]

Not so long ago the slightest thing would induce physical signs of stress. Rushing around for the benefit of others trying to fit an unkempt world into the seemingly hardened schedules of others why I ever bothered trying, I'll never know. The most harmful to me was the migraines and high blood pressure. The most harmful to my family were my increased crankiness and ever-shortening temper. Now, however, after real crises, after sacrifices that were mandatory to save the innocent, well, the rest is not at all important. Not to me anyway. I'm sure those with their organized little lives will hate me just a little for my new found lack of concern for their parameters. But hey, these things happen. We all have enough burdens to shoulder. There is no need for any of us to be strapped with rules imposed by others just to make their lives easier and to hell with our own. If something is late, the world will not end. If I can't bake 60 homemade brownies for a bake sale with just a day's notice, well, be thankful that you have 40 from a box mix and shut the hell up. We can only do what we can do. We will always let someone down. If people have unrealistic expectations of who they think we are, they are only setting themselves up for disappointment. Those who love us, know how we are and love us anyway. Those who are getting to know us have no reason to push us into what they want us to be.I have freed myself from guilt and it is just lovely. After years of trying not to give a crap, it took something enormous to allow me to just let it go. I had wanted to for years. I mean, who wants to give a crap about every stupid little thing? I had begun to hate myself for being bothered when I couldn't get everything done to the specifications of others. But no one else really cared if I was perfect, just me. Talk about wasted time and energy, geez. I used to suck the joy out of just about everything (in my own mind anyway). Now, it is pleasant to experience the little wonders of life when you're not bogged down with what is "supposed" to be getting done. Who's to say how things are "supposed" to be anyway. I have never claimed to be perfect, and I will probably always want to be better than I am. However, if I don't have the time to devote to everyone else's cause, oh well. I will volunteer when or if I can. I will no longer fill empty positions that take too much away from my family, just because someone needs to do it. I am not the only capable person out there, and though I wish everything ran as smoothly as possible, it isn't my sole responsibility to make it so. It is strange to think that not so long ago, just that very thought would make my stomach knot up. It feels good to prioritize life according to my actual priorities and not have things convoluted by others.I was trapped by my desperate need to avoid being selfish. But taking time for yourself in order to keep your sanity is more of a necessity that anything, and choosing family needs above the needs of each individual is easier on a per situation basis. Not everything in life is equal and try as I might I cannot make it so. I'm still getting used to this new outlook, but i am thoroughly enjoying the process. Let's face it, when Mom is happy, everyone is happy. (works for me: )