What's on my mind.

[PrttyBrd]

Okay, so after minor surgery 2wks ago, a crazy weekend and quite a hectic week of just plain weirdness, I'm feeling a bit disconnected. To what, I'm not sure. It's like I reconnected to who I was a lifetime ago by some freakish twist of fate, and now I find myself looking at who I've become and only bits and pieces are seeming at all familiar. I worry about useless and unimportant details that always seem to work themselves out. I lose focus on the big picture, and in the process I overlook the fun in things. Never planned to suck the joy of things, but nonetheless, sometimes that is exactly what happens (followed by the inevitable guilt and self-reflection of course).The kids, are the oddest little people, all quirky and cute. The things I used to just accept as part of who they are have unintentionally become the focus of my current analysis. Don't really want to go down that road. Kids do things because they want to, too young to understand the intricacies governing politeness and good judgment. Happy just to be. Every other emotion is fleeting. I find myself a bit envious of that quality and seem to be searching for ways not to stifle that in them. Happy dances and squeals of delight at inopportune moments can be frustrating, but you can't help but smile at their freedom. A few days ago we stopped at this fast food joint. Healthy, I know. It was just the five of us when we got there. After the two littles were done eating (for the most part) they got the toy that we had kept hidden from them until they ate. People began filing in and the kids were bouncing in their seats screeching their excitement at the top of their lungs, which echoed in the mostly glass structure. We got strange looks from everyone. I busted out laughing. I couldn't stop, which only proved to fuel the kids boisterous laughter as well. When hubby asked me about my little fit of hysteria, I told him that I just realized that all the guys who walked in here seemed to be telling their partners that our kids are the reason they never want children. Yes, for that afternoon, we were those people and I didn't care. Usually I stress myself out trying to teach them decorum, but it's overrated. Who really cares about all these people that we will never know? They were just happy and sometimes happy is loud.I guess as much as it's my job to teach my kids how the world works and how to grow up to be the best they can be, they are teaching me (slowly but surely) how to unfurl all that is twisted and just let things be as they are. That is a very difficult lesson to relearn, especially for someone who somehow inadvertently grew up to be an extremely worried and slightly paranoid freak. I remember swinging as high as I could. So high that gravity almost took over at the apex just before the arc of the swing could catch up. And right at that moment of highest exhiliration, jumping off and landing as far away as possible, on my feet no less. I could do that all afternoon. Now, of course, if I ever got the nerve to swing higher than the bar and jump, it would end in certain death. Okay, at least certain hospitalization. And I could have a coronary just watching one of my kids jumping off a swing, at any height. I'm amazed at how things can change so much and you never even notice it happen.Anyway, like I said, I hardly recognize myself. I really have got to relax.