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Not Necessarily By Choice (a Haibun)

Instant gratification.  Instant disappointment.  Dreams of yesterday and a blind tomorrow. Talk of closing doors and opened windows does not quell fear.  The unknown is too familiar.  Teetering on the precipice of what was and what will be.  The path is unlit.  In darkness all is equal.  There is no direction.  There is no certainty but that any motion will let gravity take hold.  Falling, falling, falling.  Blindfolded by emotion, a lightless tunnel.  Hoping only to land on the side facing forward.  

Thrown into change
Dragged into tomorrow
Clawing the past


Status quo has been erased.  Eradicated by others.  There is no escaping pain, there is no eluding fear.  Time stood still for ages and the clock has begun to tick in time with the very heartbeat of life.  There is more, more to be desired, more that is deserved, more life to live, more joy to find.  How bad is the hunger?  How strong the need? Driven by hope or fear, or both but driven.  Driven to a new sense of self.  A renewed confidence found only through the art of release.

Tides will rise and fall
Sun rises in the morning
Change is imminent
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April Showers

Saw this random video over the weekend, and promptly grabbed my headphones and umbrella to hear Kid A on a walk in the rain. Highly recommended... but I love the rain :) 

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hi all

So I feel sorry for all of you who really wanted the grab The Universal Sigh somewhere and didn't get a chance. I grabbed quite a few (put half a day with a friend) to be able to send them to my friends in those less fortunate places....

And I am certainly not a fan of all the EBay listings for it at all - but I came across a VERY DIFFERENT KIND of listing.

UPDATED LINK

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=300543490551&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1101

 

these are a bunch of friends in LA who grabbed a bunch of copies and are selling them as a benefit-fundraiser for disaster-hit Japan via Red Cross. I think it's a great effort. US shipping is free; international shipping (which they added after I sent a note to them indicating that it would be a very good idea!) is $3 - which makes sense.

Check it out... We are all thinking of ways to help the relief efforts in Japan - if you also pick up a copy of TUS that you didn't get a chance to grab where you live - all the better.

Anyway - just something that Bob Ferguson at Oxfam America noticed, and forwarded to me (this is not an Oxfam function, totally grass roots).

Take care!

 

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The mongrel cat*

I thought I'm able to get out of this egg. But someone helped me before I checked. And after that I saw the light. It was slowly seeping between my broken eyelids.

 

So I'm enjoying the spring. Luscinia megarhynchos. Waking up and falling asleep with that sound. *My cat guards his territory. As usual...

 

(I got myxomatosis I got myxomatosis)

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the UNIVERSAL SIGH

 

Alright, so Finally going to write something about this.

First of all I want to say that my favorite article was the one called "FORESTS OF THE MIND", I am going to.... i NEED TO read that BOOK when I get a chance....uumm... I grew up in a forest, near my house, most of my childhood memories are actually IN a forest, which, there's a connection there, anyways...and to alot of what was said. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves, but alas, that was my imagination, yet again, running wild. Um. My brother and I spent most of our childhood, playing in forests. It was great. Great memories there, and they are for real. I am one of the fortunate few children from this day in age not raised by television...

Back to the Newspaper...

I went out to Vancouver on Monday in hope that the newspaper was out then, but alas, I was unfortunately mistaken and the newspaper was not going to be out until tuesday. I had mis-read the dates, and felt like a fool when I arrived a day early, even taken off work specifically to get this newspaper, on this exact day, for it only to be the wrong day. I made the most of my day anyways, and found it most productive. I went to the art gallery, walked through my old neighborhood on robson, nearby the lost lagoon, visited an old friend (the statue) where I found a treasure (although i felt almost like a was stealing from an old lady, i left something in return for what i took to make it fair) I walked down Denmen to one of my favorite restuarants...drank some wine, then walked a ways down the seawall...until i felt like turning back....(past a certain point i dont' like going it just feels uncomfortable, anways...more on that another time)... I wondered around enough to make my legs ache...and then I headed home, both bus and skytrain transit back.

In my defeat I accepted that I would not get the anticipated Newspaper. But i was not going to give up so fast. I told my Room-Mate, Ashley, about the goings on of this Radio-head event, and I told her there might even be a chance of Radiohead band members being there delivering the papers themselves, and that she MUST go to Vancouver on behalf of me, and herself to pick up this paper. She was both willing and able to do this task...

I was so thankful...because if not she, then...who would do this for me?

Ashley gets down to vancouver on tuesday, calls my work from there, and tells me that the newspaper is now not going to be released until wednesday now!!! So my response is total shock and like " WHAT"! It made me think for real that maybe readiohead was going to be there in person, so i told my boss that my favorite band might be in town and that i need to meet them tomorrow, so could she please give me one day more off of work, and she just couldn't say no...so I go out to Vancouver on wednesday just to find out that it's only the newspaper being handed out, No radiohead members there. Which is OK, I guesse. I can't help my dissapointment, but at the same time it would have been too nerve-racking to meet them in person, iwas thinking about what i would say to them, and it came down to me just going blank, and i just wouldn't be able to say anything at all...so I thought it better that I didn't meet any of them now.... in my young, nieve, dumb state....better randomly or spontaneouse...or not at all....than in the state i imagined my self to be in meeting them on a planned occation...

the mind is a monsterous thing...

anyways..

so i ended up realizing that I am actually in debt, and then, luckily I got to pay it off that day....because i went into a gift shop to buy some native art design earings for my friend and I, and then when my credit card was declined, I sorted out all my problems there, and made a new friend.

So, although the second trip to fetch the universal sigh was some-what un-i-vent-ful, i got some practical matters done, and had some really good laughs at the same time.

the banker who helped me out seemed to really like me, although not in the sexual way, in the more best friend forever kind of way... i dont' know how exaclty but i think i might have blown his mind in many ways....all ihope is that it was a possitive experience. I have his card, so i think i might meet with him again. I need advice when it comes to saving money, so, he is really a good friend for me to have, actually (for my benefit for once)  

--yah... no...i never ended up being that guys friend. Friends with finances is not a good mixture I've decided.

I took some pictures with the people at my bank "coast capital" because it's just stupid and retarded, and I thought it was funny...and then I took some more pictures with the statue, because it is also stupid and retarded and I thought it was funny. (I deleated all the pictures because in retrospect I realize that it's really lame, and i regret doing that, as of most things. I'm incredibly insecure! So insecure that it's hard for me to do almost anything, let alone leave the house sometimes!)

What else to say? OH, really interesting, um, the reason that I even found the jade necklace on the statue was because of two things, because of my friend daniel who passed away and that i wanted to visit the statue to pay respects to him, and because i wanted to take my copy of the universal sigh down to the statue to get my picture of it with her. When i went on monday, and found the jade necklace, even though the universal sigh was not there that day i felt so grateful, like, i was meant to find the necklace...even though it seemed like a pointless trip to go out there all that way, it was not...

i found something even when i was not looking...

 

so thats it, just going to get the morning news.

sigh.

 

 

 

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