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AMSP tour / 23 May / Paris

Live Report : Radiohead - Zenith Paris - La Villette : 23.05.2016
Pictures here : http://bit.ly/2457aB7
© Copyright all right reserved : Alexandre Fumeron - Afterdepth

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[Audio / Free Download]

Radiohead - 2016-05-23 - Le Zénith Paris France [FLAC]

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18 songs YouTube Playlist

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqrWoLiN_ofU2KBjxYibQ7VKIbNS9vWNR

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Find more photos like this on w.a.s.t.e. central

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live stream from Paris 

https://www.periscope.tv/w/1BdGYkVyzjBxX

01. Burn the Witch

02. Daydreaming

03. Decks Dark

04. Desert Island Disk

05. Ful Stop

06. Lotus Flower

07. The National Anthem

08. My Iron Lung

09. No Surprises

10. Bloom

11. Identikit

12. The Numbers

13. Separator

14. The Gloaming

15. Everything In Its Right Place

16. Idioteque

17. Bodysnatchers

encore 

18. True Love Waits

19. Present Tense

20. Paranoid Android

21. Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief

22. Weird Fishes / Arpeggi

encore 2

23. Creep

24. Pyramid Song

matthiasr’s photo https://instagram.com/p/BFxCrGOMMvr/

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Nigel Godrich on Twitter (23 May)
https://twitter.com/nigelgod/status/734847107589345281

13239475_1001696136582845_6372719198578111312_n.jpg?oh=20c18c48071ff0262b0de0d1703f825f&oe=57DF091F&width=300

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almost speechless....

This is my first listen to AMSP whilst laying on my bed this beautiful Sunday morning. Each song touched my heart in a different way. I remember that Mother's Day Sunday when I heard this for the first time. I cried, I laughed,  I felt I could die happy now. We have all waited patiently for this wonderful album.

AMSP is truly a masterpiece! I feel a sense of peace. I feel that no matter what comes today, I experienced a little peace of heaven. What a beautiful thing to know that there are so many others out there that are experiencing the same feelings, the same thoughts, the same love for this outstanding group of men calling themselves Radiohead.

I love you all from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to feel a few minutes of peace each day, in this crazy mixed up world we live in. I believe that each one of us listening, can relate to the music and the lyrics in our own special way. I thank the heavens for finding you Radiohead, and for the gifts you continue to give to the world. It is almost like finding a long lost friend or like being welcomed into a family. To you Ed, Phillip, Colin, Jonny and Thom, may the god's shine down on you and yours and give you the same peace that we find in your music.  Blessings to you all, Jean11011016090?profile=original   ILY!

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AMSP tour / 21 May / Amsterdam

14 July:

Radiohead - 2016-05-21 - [Full Show] - Amsterdam - [Multicam/HQ-Taper-Audio] - Night 2

https://youtu.be/OgLqHBx1d98

thank you for letting me know, Johnny Airbag! 

--

26 May: 

[photos] Radiohead HMH 2016 by 3FM Serious Radio #flickr https://flic.kr/s/aHskAyxGrf

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[Audio / Free Download] 

RADIOHEAD Heineken Music Hall  Amsterdam The Netherlands May 20, 2016 - FLAC 

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com/2016/05/22/radiohead-heineken-music-hall-amsterdam-netherlands-april-20-2016/

RADIOHEAD Heineken Music Hall  Amsterdam The Netherlands May 21, 2016 - FLAC 

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com/2016/05/22/radiohead-heineken-music-hall-amsterdam-netherlands-may-21-2016-flac/

via Radiohead Not For Profit

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com

17 songs (+ bonus) YouTube Playlist (*14 July: full show added) 

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Find more photos like this on w.a.s.t.e. central

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live stream from Amsterdam

https://www.periscope.tv/radiohead_fr/1yNGawwkejNxj

01. Burn the Witch

02. Daydreaming

03. Decks Dark

04. Desert Island Disk

05. Ful Stop

06. Lucky

07. There There

08. Lotus Flower 

09. All I Need

10. Talk Show Host

11. Identikit

12. The Numbers 

13. Present Tense 

14. Separator

15. Nude

16. The National Anthem (+ Hunting Bears)

17. Everything In Its Right Place

encore

18. Give Up The Ghost

19. How To Disappear Completely

20. Karma Police

21. Bloom

22. Street Spirit [Fade Out]

encore 2

23. Bodysnatchers

24. Idioteque

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salamagram’s photo https://instagram.com/p/BFtLCybPP6T/

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Radiohead.fr on Twitter (21 May)
https://twitter.com/radiohead_fr/status/734059181129531393

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*more >> http://rabbitinmyheadlights.tumblr.com

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Heineken Music Hall’s photo album on Facebook

photo: Raymond van Olphen

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1299722453390374.1073742068.129793227049975&type=3

 11011015487?profile=original

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AMSP tour / 20 May / Amsterdam

26 May: 

[photos] Radiohead HMH 2016 by 3FM Serious Radio #flickr https://flic.kr/s/aHskAyxGrf

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23 May: 

YouTube uploader Jan vd Aa, suggested to me that his videos of 1st show in Amsterdam would suit my YouTube Playlist. thought so then, i added them to my list. have a look! 
20 May 2016 / Heineken Music Hall / Amsterdam, The Netherlands
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqrWoLiN_ofWIJBMW1-3VyZ2iHm214mCQ

(newly added; Daydreaming https://youtu.be/616oeQ0ovxc , My Iron Lung https://youtu.be/KLLd6Ul0iJ8 , Identikit https://youtu.be/rh5gWT4MeTw )

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[Audio / Free Download] 

RADIOHEAD Heineken Music Hall  Amsterdam The Netherlands May 20, 2016 - FLAC 

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com/2016/05/22/radiohead-heineken-music-hall-amsterdam-netherlands-april-20-2016/

RADIOHEAD Heineken Music Hall  Amsterdam The Netherlands May 21, 2016 - FLAC 

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com/2016/05/22/radiohead-heineken-music-hall-amsterdam-netherlands-may-21-2016-flac/

via Radiohead Not For Profit

http://www.radiohead-notforprofit.com

[complete playlist] 20 May 2016 / Heineken Music Hall / Amsterdam, The Netherlands

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqrWoLiN_ofWIJBMW1-3VyZ2iHm214mCQ

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Find more photos like this on w.a.s.t.e. central

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live stream from Amsterdam
http://twitcasting.tv/c:rhamsterdam

https://www.periscope.tv/Twisted_Transistor/

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01. Burn the Witch

02. Daydreaming

03. Decks Dark

04. Desert Island Disk

05. Ful Stop

06. Morning Mr Magpie

07. There There

08. Daily Mail

09. My Iron Lung

10. Videotape

11. Identikit

12. The Numbers

13. The Gloaming

14. Lotus Flower

15. Everything In Its Right Place

16. Idioteque

17. Bodysnatchers

encore 

18. Bloom

19. Present Tense 

20. Paranoid Android

21. Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief

22. Weird Fishes / Arpeggi

encore 2

23. You And Whose Army?

24. Reckoner

 

https://twitter.com/mailansa/status/733766899364990976

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https://twitter.com/HMH/status/733688950955507712

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Radiohead in Amsterdam: A Tour Opener Live Blog | Pitchfork
http://pitchfork.com/news/65603-radiohead-in-amsterdam-a-tour-opener-live-blog/

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delicatebalance’s photo on Tumblr

They sell a set of postcards at the merch stand”

more >> http://rabbitinmyheadlights.tumblr.com/

11011011483?profile=original

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Holly Herndon on the stage
https://twitter.com/fittr_happier/status/733712140322770944

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Clive Deamer on Twitter (20 May)
https://twitter.com/clivedeamer/status/733721581273419776

11011012275?profile=original

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Colin Greenwood on Twitter (20 May)
https://twitter.com/colingreenwood/status/733787361574825985
https://twitter.com/colingreenwood/status/733805377372983296

tumblr_o7iq90A8VT1qm3hyxo1_1280.png?width=300

tumblr_o7iq90A8VT1qm3hyxo2_1280.png?width=300

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Radiohead in Amsterdam (20 May)

Heineken Music Hall’s album on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1299053733457246.1073742067.129793227049975&type=3

11011012689?profile=original

Heineken Music Hall on Twitter (20 MAY)
https://twitter.com/HMH/status/733764481583591424

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MOJO’s photo album on Facebook
(photo: Andreas Terlaak Photography)
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1063434213712642.1073742023.216004398455632&type=3

11011013263?profile=original

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Radiohead in HMH | Het Parool
http://www.parool.nl/recensies/radiohead-schuurt-piept-en-kraakt-maar-is-ook-bedwelmend~a4305184/
http://www.parool.nl/foto/radiohead-in-hmh~p4304864/

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Read more…

Dear Thom Yorke.

The Fifteenth Step.

You have opened the flood gates
Of my heart
I could be yours forever
If only you knew
This love like rock candy
Dense
and multi-faceted
A hundred angles
Aligning in my eyes
As I long to look into yours
Like the bird cage has been broken
And open I fly free
In your arms
Inexplicable
Inconsolable
I vow to be yours

One day
In spirit and body
Forever.

Read more…

He-Art.

 

 

Right.  This.  Moment.

 

Janice bit down on her tongue.  There was blood all around.  Bloody smile is what she gives me.  I stare at the glow of awareness as it pools under her cheeks, fingers in her teeth. 

 

“Jashkin, handle me that towel, over by the radiator.”

 

“The one with navy stripes?”

 

“Yeah, and the shailboats.”

 

“Next to the coral soap dish?”

 

“No, next to the shmiling flipper dolphine.  Near the window.”

 

In the mirror, I watch myself handle Janice the towel, as she smothers her mouth in terry cloth.  I stand there, agape at myself.  Flowers growing from the elderdead wafting in my nostrils.  Janice was not a clean person.

 

“Here.  Rinse thish out and handle me back.”

 

Her blood makes sketch blotches in the sink.  There is a kitten with a ball of yarn.  I see a mountain goat.  Two girls kissing.  My fingers are cold, and lifeless when I handle Janice back the damp towel.

 

“Shabout time.”

 

“There’s a lot of blood.  You’re losing enough to satisfy several anemics.  Do you think.”

 

“No.”

 

“No?”

 

“No.  I’ma fit ash a fiddle and ready ash a redcoat.  Shall we?”

 

I follow the back of Janice’s hairpiece through the door and over a pink plush rug.  We leave the towel dripping fresh dregs in competition between the sink and tile.  I remember to snag off the bathroom lights. 

 

She is angry I am still wearing my shoes.  I know because she sniffs.

 

“(Sniff) Jashkin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What is that shtrange shmell?” – “Like earth that hash been trampled and shtuck to – (sniff) – wubber?”

 

“What should I know?”

 

“Very well.  Here.  Go and find shome meat in the freesher.”

 

Janice has ceased to flood.  She contains herself at the table.  There are loud dits of blood I trace with my eyes back into the bathroom.  I wish that I knew Morse code.  The dashes and dots might be vital in understanding Janice.  The universe operates along subliminal guidelines.  I should pay closer attention.

 

It looks like ketchup on a hotdog bun.  The tiles are yellow in the kitchenette.  I think of them as corn fritters, even browned at the square edges.  I wipe at one with my shoe.  The stain is hopeless.  I trail blood to the icebox.  I am the future of advertising media.  The squirrel or rabbit that leaves behind imprints of Nike swirls in the snow.

 

“Jashkin – Hurry up.”

 

I leave the thought crumpled in a ball.  I face the freezer to find some steak.  Luckily, there’s a roast.  I don’t like roast.

 

“Here.”

 

“Thansht.”

 

“Janice?”

 

“Yesh?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“(Sniff)”

 

“Janice?”

 

“Hmm. – (sniff)”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“(Sniff) – For now.”

 

It always ends this way.  Her and me in the limelight of the other.  The phosphorescent kitchen lights casting shadows under her cabinets, table, and chairs-all lavender and reeking of Pad Thai fish dishes.

 

 

6 hours.  Two minutes.  32 seconds.  Prior.

 

“Ohhh.  James…”

 

“Jenny – O, Jenny!”

 

Their bodies are salty.  The sweat drips releasing steam clouds above the radiator.  The sheets are ruined.  I don’t know what she was thinking when she bought white sheets.  Those stains will never bleach white.  I can feel a drip slip past my right eyebrow.  I can smell the taste in my mouth.  I had eggs and coffee this morning, while waiting for –

 

“Mmmnn…ahh.          Ohh. -  James.”

“James?”

“James.”

 

I watch from the linen closet.  Towels and washcloth prints are static imprints against my neck, back and buttocks.  In the mirror, James is nothing but oblong imprints against the shower door.  He is limp in her arms.  Janice pushes at him, then pushes past him, and her fingers appear at the panel, pulling it aside.

 

“Finally.  That was taking too long.”

 

At the strike of her match, I emerge from the linen closet.  There are several that punctuate my entrance in stripes and floral prints, resting at my feet unfolded. I can feel the static currents play along my skin.  Janice is all slimy with soapsuds, outlined by the mirror light.  She takes deep drags from her cigarette, arms akimbo, one foot on the toilet, the other solidly soaking into the short carpet.

 

There are swamps between us.  I can see the smoke linger.  I don’t want to linger.  Janice smiles at me with her cigarette on her lip.  There, above the gap of her two front teeth is the pronunciation of our history.  She knows it draws my eyes.  I look to the James man.  I quell the vomit and then return the favor.   The cracks in my cheeks successful in the mockery of this pleasure, as I offer up my best brim smile.

 

“Next time.  You need to ask Joey for a larger dose.”

 

“It worked.”

 

“But too late.  You can lurch like a creepy crawly in the closet to your heart’s implosion but I have to be the bait.  I have to let them touch me.  Let them inside of me and smile when they say they love me.  Ugh.  And how they touch me - “

 

“You know we can’t switch Janice.  I love you.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’ll ask Joey for a stronger dose.”

 

Janice smeared the butt into the dead man’s back.  I hear the hiss as the ash forms a third eye between his shoulder blades.

 

  “Here.  Let’s move it before it begins to smell.”

 

We are the opposite.  Her and I. 

 

 

3 years.  7 hours.  14 minutes.  Prior.

 

“Wait.”

 

My throat was stuck to itself.  I had eaten flypaper at lunch.  Must have.  She was a magnet.

 

“Yes.”

 

The sun groped everywhere for some way to consume her.  I know I wanted her, must have felt something deep.  She must know who I am.  She noticed my smile.  Must have.  Her shoulders pivot, her entire body awake at the sound of my voice.

 

“My name’s Jackson.”

 

“No last name?”

 

“Why would I need a last name.  Isn’t one name more than enough for any one sap to live up to?”

 

“Fine.  Have it your way.  So’s when you die, you won’t swell up and ruin that beautiful face of yours.  I hate the name Jackson.”

 

“Hate’s a strong emotion.”

 

“I’ll call you Jashkin instead, free of all that karmic presidential connotation.”

 

“And you are?”

 

“I like Janice.”

 

“Janice?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“What are you doing right now?”

 

“Waiting on a ride?”

 

“Until when?”

 

“Until it arrives.”

 

“If you would be willing to wait, I could give you a ride.  My car’s just in the back lot and I’ll be off in fifteen.”

 

I knew my movie theatre usher, complete with bellhop hat, uniform would appeal as sexy.  I smelt like Twizzlers.  I had spilt diet Coke on my trousers.  Her name is Janice.   I follow the curve of her jaw to the split of her neck then wonder whether she and I could be compatible.  Wonder if we would spend our lives together, sitting on a porch as wrinkled as sin.  And I wouldn’t tell our grandchildren because we wouldn’t want them.  Children mean sacrifice.  I let my eyes melt around her outline, the red, neon, and gold molding spontaneous as pop culture, into her silhouette.

 

“What kind of car do you drive, Jashkin?”

 

“A Neon.”

 

“A Neon?  What color?”

 

“Aquamarine.  I got it used but it runs.”

 

“I’ll take you up on that.  Got a light while I wait?”

 

“You shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for you.  You know.”

 

“Yes, I know.  I don’t plan to stick around.  Health insurance only gets you so far in this world.”

 

“Shame.”

 

“Hmm.  Yes, what a shame.  I don’t think God would approve.”

 

The corners of her mouth rise with my eyebrows.  We both knew the other never could believe in God.

 

 

7 weeks.  12 days.  23 minutes.  Prior. 

 

“What do you use this shit for anyways?”

 

“Rats.  I keep tripping on them and the bastards are immune to poison.”

 

Joey spit hard to the left side.  His hair vibrates thinly against the tension.  It darkens the tile caulking in the shape of a duckbilled man.  I wait.

 

“That’ll do it.  Man, those city rats sure do get bigger an’ bigger every year.”

 

I never could quite tell when he looked at me.  There was a clever distance between us.  I wonder if he could smell himself with that crooked nose.  I could hear abandoned animals howling for attention in the foreground.  We hid in the back next to the shit shovels and hoses. 

 

“Yeah, tell me about it.  What do I owe you?”

 

His eyes roll in their sockets like dice in a cup.  Maybe, this time, I might get lucky. 

 

“I’ll settle for two nights –” 

 

Maybe, this time, I am lucky.

 

“And a hand job.  If you got a minute now?  Judy’s been a bitch and I’m all bent out with Margarine again.”

 

“Sure.  But if you aren’t good in five minutes, you’re on your own.  I’ve got some place to be.”

 

 In five minutes.  Joey’s content and panting with satisfaction.  Not, unlike a dog.  I pull the antibacterial from my purse.  I always bring it whenever I come to see Joey.  I can’t trust him.  He has dirty fingernails, crust in the corners at his mouth.  His penis always feels so flaccid.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It’s a relief when he finally gets off. 

 

“Hey Jackson-” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Before careful with that dose, it’ll knock out a horse.  Don’t go putting it in your coffee thinking it’s a creamer.  I’d hate to see that pretty face of yours eaten off by rats.”

 

“Not to worry, Joey.  I’m always careful.”

 

Joey watches me apply the sanitizer.  I turn my back to him and leave out the side door into the alley.  The sun shines so well my car reminds me of a matchbox car, complete with chrome detail.  Janice took it to the wash yesterday noon.  She got the sea breeze scent.  I smile at the wheel, smelling her in, tasting her scent.

 

 

One Year.  21 Hours.  37 Seconds.  Prior. 

 

The television is on.  I absently spin my fingers in the curls of Janice’s hair.  Today she is defeated.  We are watching old reruns of something as a few half hours deflate around our island of knotted couch cushions.  “To Catch a Predator” breaks the train off the tracks as we stare, enrapt.

 

 

11 Months.  17 Minutes.  15 Seconds.  Prior.

 

lovergirljanet12:  omg! spongebob is soooooo dumb

 

edwardcullensismyhero:  dude i kno!  do u like HSM?

 

lovergirljanet12:  hells yea dude!  im soooooo jealous of vanessa hudgens 

 

edwardcullensismyhero:  she is super beautiful but she isnt as hott as u

 

lovergirljanet12:  really?  thats sooooo sweet!  <3  if u were here I would totally hug u 4 that

 

edwarcullensismyhero:  well would you like to meet?

 

The Next Week Following Right This Moment.

 

“Janice, my love, I see one right over there.”

 

We are three states over and I have just spotted our last mailbox.  Finally dropping the last package addressed to “Kill A Predator”, we pull over and I pop it in.  The package is white with a light pink tint.  We used meat wrapping paper but the blood drips through.  This is how we make our mark on civilization, one package at a time, mailbox by mailbox, body part by body part sealed inside.  It is our statement of cultural recommitment to justice and a dropbox artform memento of our love for each other.

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A Moon Shaped Pool

I have not stopped listening to this album since it was released!! It is so beautiful and was well worth the wait!!

I hope a new album means that a tour is on the way...and if so I hope they come all the way to Australia!!!

xoxo

Read more…

The Scarlet Letter

Dear Radiohead (and your army) 
I don't know exactly what you're doing to me or why, but I know there is something big going on. I have lots of ideas, some crazy and others not. I cracked the Radiohead code, or at least I think I have. It's hard to figure out what's real.
I had never really given The King of Limbs much of a chance, but I started listening to it more in the last few months. I was curious about the lyrics, so I looked them up while I was listening to the album. I didn't think much of it the first few times, but it gradually grew on me. The words stuck in my head, and I kept hearing the same words in the lyrics of other bands' music. Certain themes kept coming up--water/sea/fish/flood, sky/stars/sun/moon, birds, half-veiled biblical, mythological, and cultural references in every line. By the time Burn the Witch came out, I had become pretty familiar with basic archetypal theory and its use in interpreting symbolism (as well as it's association with witchcraft), and used these techniques to understand the lyrics and references made in the video. I knew from the first scene of the video that this song--and the upcoming album--would be full of symbolism and seemingly endless rabbit holes to fall through, in that typical Radiohead way.
The new album, A Moon Shaped Pool, came out and I didn't listen to it immediately. I didn't feel a huge need to rush, but people kept mentioning it to me, asking if I'd listened to it yet, so I decided that I would give it a go. From the first listen-through, I knew it was good, but didn't fully appreciate the weight of it yet. The album as a whole was beautiful and took me on an emotional roller-coaster through a troubled mind that felt strangely familiar. I felt especially impacted by the final song, though, and couldn't shake the eerie impression that there was more to it than at first appeared. I tried to read a few reviews to see what other people had thought of the album, but found that the internet had seemingly gone berserk with regards to Radiohead. Social media was completely unhelpful, and many reviews seemed to miss the mark entirely. People didn't know what to make of this album. I knew I needed to listen again and figure out what the hell was going on. 
This time I listened while reading the lyrics intently, and stopped to research anything that seemed like a reference along the way. The album as a whole made many references to environmental destruction, inevitable doom, the darkness present in the world and the sense of powerlessness in the face of potential disaster. But beneath the surface, it also seemed to make references to a failed relationship, but one that failed as a result of several small actions that were perhaps not meant to harm but that did nonetheless. This album feels like one half of a two-part story. This is one side, but we still don't have the other side yet. It's impossible to make any judgments about who was right or wrong until both sides have been heard. But, of course, both sides can't be heard if people aren't willing to listen or talk. And in the end, it's likely that neither side is completely right or wrong, just misunderstood by the other side.
This album seems to have hit many people hard, and I'm not surprised. I'm no stranger to the heartbreak of a failed relationship myself. However, it helped me see things from the other side. I've always been the heartbreaker, the one that got away, the one who wouldn't listen. I never knew the other side.
I loved a boy once who loved Radiohead more than anything. Well, maybe not more than anything--he loved me too. His name was Alex. We met through music, many years ago. We liked a lot of the same bands, and he was looking for a violinist to play music with. I wanted to play music with him, but I didn't know him very well so I was afraid to ask. So I laid a trap of sorts--I posted lyrics to a song by Cloud Cult, a band we both liked, in hopes that he would see them and maybe talk to me. It worked, to my surprise, and soon we were talking, and before I knew it I was at his house listening to songs he had written and then we started playing together and it was like magic. 
That whole summer--it must have been 2009, right before I was about to enter my last year of high school--flew by in a blur. We saw as much of each other as possible; we just couldn't get enough of each other. And I was writing poetry like I'd never written before. And he liked my poetry! And he liked my music! And he liked my voice, and my weird style, and everything about me. I felt like I finally understood what love was, and I could finally understand why everyone went so crazy about it all the time. It felt amazing.
Like all good things, it came to an end. Not quickly, but slowly and painfully, over the course of several years. Our band, which had grown to include my brother and a few of our friends, slowly fell apart; music became an obligation, a duty. Because Alex listened to so much good music, he had impossibly high standards for himself which he constantly fell short of. His skills as a drummer were unparalleled, and he had the seemingly magical ability to hear a completed song in his head when all I gave him was lyrics and a melody. But he hated his voice, and felt that if he couldn't sing his own songs, it wasn't even worth playing them. He became irritable and frustrated with us during band practice, because none of us really took it that seriously. We were just there to hang out and have a good time. But he felt compelled in a different way, driven by a force that none of us had encountered yet. He had found his calling, I suppose, and was trying to answer it right away, but didn't realize that we just weren't ready like he was.
The band falling apart was just one part of the reason our relationship eventually soured; there were many other factors going on in his and my life that caused us to drift apart. I felt that he wanted to possess me for himself but I wanted to see the world and have more experiences before settling down. He would have been happy to get married and make music with me for the rest of our lives, but I wasn't there yet. I had to make a lot more mistakes for myself before I would get to a place where I felt the same intense feeling of purpose and the urgent need to take action towards that purpose. 
We broke up in the spring of 2012. He tried to get back together with me, but I didn't want to. In May of 2012, he committed suicide.
When he died, he took a piece of me with him. I still loved him, even though I had broken his heart and didn't want to be with him anymore. I just knew it wasn't the right time. But I wish things had gone differently. I wish he were still here and still making music, and I know the world feels his absence like a black void. He would have known just what to say about the latest Radiohead album, the first that has come out since he's died. He would have loved it, and devoured it, and told everyone he could about it. But he's not here anymore. I just wish we could talk like we used to. 
I split myself in half after that, and hid the deepest part of myself for a long time. I built a thick shell around myself and didn't let anyone in. I was utterly broken but had to keep smiling, because I felt it had been my fault he died. It didn't matter how many people told me otherwise, I could never shake the feeling that I was responsible. That he died for my sins, like some sick twisted Jesus metaphor. I'm still working to heal that deep wound and pick up all the pieces of myself so I can start moving forward again instead of just drifting in an endless sea of meaningless pain. I have a long way to go, but there are definitely no shortcuts worth taking. 
I'm sorry for hurting you, Alex. I hope you're smiling down from heaven. I hope you got to listen to this album, because it's fucking beautiful. I love you.
E
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Coming Apart

Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphine Rose Kingma. Literally this book saved my life, along with Radiohead music LOL. I never entered another relationship again, but that's okay. I came to understand that I was trying to fix the sick/twisted relationship I had with my father growing up. I came to understand that I was always looking for someone, male or female, to fix me, to save me, to carry me to safety.

This book I hope, helps anyone who is in the midst of ending a relationship, no matter what kind..... I find that so many of us on this site suffer in life from so many physical and mental ails. Finding another person was not, will not, be the answer for me. Medication, diet, exercise, living in the moment, losing unrealistic expectations, finding a higher power, learning to love oneself, flaws and all, that is now my new relationship.

11011012453?profile=originalI want to thank all within the WASTE community for their support. I want to thank Radiohead for giving me another healthy obsession AMSP. I want to thank myself for continuing to put one foot in front of the other, for living one day at a time, for constantly trying to help heal this earth and for giving life another chance. Peace and Blessings to you all!

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