LOWERING THE (RING) TONE

[omniblob]

hello, my lovely, w-a-s-t-e-rsbeen keeping a low profile since the cat tried to have me whacked. the problem with the open university is that it best suits motivated, mature hard-working types who can hold down a full-time job and study hard. that'll be me fucked, then...so, between drinking, crying and occasional study, work at the death star has taken up pretty much the rest of my time. yuck.oh! that reminds me!regular readers (who now amount to maybe several! whoop!) will be aware of my weirdo love colleagues. pass me the sick bucket while we wait for the newcomers to check out.seriously, go on. i'll wait...anyway, i was walking back from the loo last week when one of the lovers (who had never said a word to me up to the point) came up to me and grabbed my crotch, uttering the immortal words;"i'm hannah, and i want you to get in the disabled toilet with me!"what can i say? obviously, those of you who've checked out my photos will know i'm scotland's answer to denzel washington, but wtf??? as the best british tabloid reporters are wont to say, i made my excuses and left."hannah" (if that is even her real name...) then carried on as normal for the rest of the shift, playing at lover-girl with her boyfriend. except, every time she stroked his hair, she'd look over his shoulder at me and wink, or blow kisses. fucking psycho. the disabled toilets!what if a disabled person had needed to use them? oh, the humanity!not much else has happened. just came back from a friend's house. she's a qualified masseuse and gives me the whole aromatherapy / holistic job once a month. i've been having back and rib (the cat, again) trouble, so she was pummeling away at my left-sided sciatic nerve when i was overcome with the desire to break wind.look, i really didn't want to mention farting but, you know where this is going...ever the gentleman, i endured real pain holding in the wind. by this time, my stomach was making sounds like a coffee percolator; blubplup, blubplup, whisssssh. you get the picture. anyway, my mate was all;"you seem very tense, i'll just apply some pressure here..."you can probably guess what happened next. if you've ever heard an ocean liner, you'll know for certain. i swear, the curtains at the other end of the room billowed for about a minute and my friend made a face like kenneth williams in "carry on doctor"you know the face - "ooooohhhh, matron! take it away"let's just say, it's a good thing she's into essential oil burners and candles. hope it's dissipated before next month's appointment.why am i revealing such horrific details to you all? that's the real issue on my mind right now.it's because i love you all. each and every one.much love,steve x.