The walk

[Wierd Fishee]

to the bus stop has become boring. Same route every day. Same trees and hard sidewalks. Same crow following me around for a while... flying from one tree to another (ancient trees) after circling closely over me. At least I can make the distance in 35-40 minutes now. I'm still doing the same stuff at work, though someone who manages a fabrication shop wants to hire me as her assistant. That would be great. At least it would be more interesting. I also might be getting a car soon (a Mercedes). for free. I'd just drive it to the Marketplace and take the bus from there. Gas is ridiculously expensive and I make very little money.I numb myself with work, and then when I get home I make myself numb again. I have fleeting thoughts while at work but I brush them off and go back my numbness reality. I don't think about the future. I live day to day. I relish the moments when someone says something though-provoking at work, but those moments are rare. I only dread weekends when I have to face reality and myself... but then I numb myself some more.I live because I am alive, but there is little holding me here. Hearing the door knob turn after a sleepless night is one of the highlights. So is a call on my cell phone. But most of all I enjoy the time I spend on the bus... I listen to people's conversations and try to figure out what it is that makes people's lives meaningful, and why I can't have that. I overhear conversations about new grandchildren. I watch new mothers holding their babies tenderly in their arms, trying to keep them warm. These are people who live day-to-day and yet they still feel like giving another human being the opportunities in life they didn't have. And then I also listen to the people who have teenagers who couldn't care less about their parents anymore. These same people who once found meaning once again in their lives. All these things I see and hear remind me of "Nude". We can be rich, we can be beautiful, successful and have attained everything in life, but we are never satisfied. There's always something missing. I'm guessing there's some sort of connection with ourselves that we gain through connecting with another human being. At least that's the closest I've found to grasping what life is about. And it is always there... there are times when we are just about to get to that connection with another human being but something in our history keeps us from getting there. Which is why I think In Rainbows is also about regaining that childlike innocence we once had... being at a point in time where we didn't have such a long history of disappointments. I'm still there, though. I haven't grown up and I hope I never do. Music will die for me that day.