I know it is fruitless to compare you
to the ideals of women.
Men like that don't exist.
But! (that fateful but!)
I will still compare you until the end of time
and you will not measure up.
It is wrong to be disappointed,
but I am anyway.
___
I do not like this point in our relationship. I am realizing that I am impossible to love because I will always convince myself that you don't love me. You say you will never tire of convincing me over again that you mean it when you say you will love me forever, but I know it will get old. I know I will be the one to break up with you and I know that it will crush you and I don't want that because I do love you but we are both fucked up people. We are using each other. You want me for sex and I want you for experiences. I only want to have sex so I can talk about it later and feel old; I don't particularly enjoy it physically. I just want to cuddle. But I want to have the experience of doing it so I can add it to my checklist. With him, I also go out and party, I get drunk, I get navel piercings, I get fuel for writing stories and impressing my friends (many of whom only like me because they can live vicariously through me). I am a teenager. I'm afraid of losing that because I know that I will hate myself if I must sit around and be a boring kid and live on the internet all day.
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