How to annoy me

[Vanessa Vasquez]

have a low tolerance for humanity in general, but this week really made me want to slather myself in gasoline and light a match. Here are some things to avoid if you want to stay on my good side:1. Don’t stop mid-conversation with your “boy” as I pass you in the hallway and attempt to entice me with a line like, “Oh, hey, what’s going on, beautiful?” except it sounds more like, “Yo, wuz goin’ on, boodaful?” only to follow it up with, “Bitch,” as I ignore you and continue walking. I prefer my men how the general population prefers their newscasters: able to enunciate.2. Don’t ask me about the “spanish” side of my family unless you want me to ask you about the history of inbreeding in yours.3. Don’t have a two-minute debate in the library with your best friend at the table next to mine regarding the authenticity of my tote bag, causing me to finally get up and say on my way out, “Yes, ladies, it’s Coach.”4 Don’t say, “y’know?” after explaining how you just had an acid trip flashback in the middle of work. No, I don’t know.Future unemployment line of America, I’m looking at you when I say this: stop annoying me. Please.