I SWEAR TO GOD

[Vanessa Vasquez]

THERE IS A FIVE SECOND WINDOW WHEREIN YOUR BREAD GOES FROM "TOASTED" TO "CHARRED BEYOND RECOGNITION."It’s like, do I blame the bread or the toaster? I think I’m going to go with the toaster, because what the hell does "7″ mean? Seven what? Why are my options in numbers? There should only be one option and it should be EDIBLE. I’ll even take "golden," "crunchy," and "haha." Regardless, I shouldn’t be able to leave a mark on the wall with my bread.No matter, it’s not like I don’t have a back-up plan...

This is unconfirmed intelligence, but I think my family got wind of some sort of bread ration that is going to be implemented in the very near future, and thus decided to buy all the bread in the world.Honestly, if I don’t even know the logic behind what’s happening on a counter top in my own kitchen, how am I supposed to figure out the logic behind life?