Accidents, not waiting to happen

[Rachel]

Again, someone I can't have. Same pattern. I didn't think I would be that crazy over anyone again, didn't expect this lipbiting, chesttightening, stomachclenching... desire? Get real, girl. What would I have to share with such a man anyway? Also the time worn argument: you don't know him at all, you can't know. Except I think I can, to some degree, at least from my side. Something like primary instinct: gesture, gaze, posture, perhaps only a slight tilt of the head. Grace. And his voice, of course. Further than that there's only guessing but of course by not giving away too much of himself his entire image gives plenty of room for projection, speculation, wishful thinking and daydreaming. Yeahyeah, I am aware of that. I'm not that stupid.
I could do something about it, I guess I could. We desire the things that we see all the time. But again: what could we possibly share? Also, I am not that willing to make a fool of myself. Dignity is something I would like to hold on to as long as I can, it is my crutch, spine and cape.

A look in the mirror sobers megood.
Saw an accident today, two cars crashing seriously into eachother. It happened so quickly that I couldn't really figure out who's fault it was. Although it happened not too far away the noise of the crash was strangely unspectacular. From television and cinema we are used to big Bangs! and Booms! but the sound was more that of a collapsing thermos bottle. It reminded me of my accident on the bus to Kinlochleven back then.
One of the drivers jumped out of his carand started gesticulating and jumping around, clearly in shock and
highly hysterical. Nobody appeared to be injured, others were there to attend so I went my way.

<later>
Back from my balcony. It's really cold and pouring down, thank god for the roof. Sparklehorse, Eyepennies. The air smells beautiful.