When my father was diagnosed with a cancer, all I could hear inside my head was "I'm not here, this is not happening". All
day long.
I'm not here. I wasn't there
I was buried under tons of fake smiles.
It felt like having a big hole inside your stomach, for months. There was someone broken and no one could fix him.
You could smile
truly
one millisecond after, you'd immediately think
'Ah. That.'
Fuck
Not that I've ever been his biggest fan.
When something like this occurs, you hear like a click inside the head, and you know that your life is not going to be the same as before, until that person will die.
Sometimes I lie on the bed
and pretend I melt down
everything that I hate and that haunts my thoughts flows down the blankets
All the shit goes down to the sewers
Just me, it's all that remains.
All the surrounding junk into a pool of dense black mucus, away from me
I don't want the things that I say to make sense, I just want them to be pleasant enough to make them let me stay in peace
anyway
they wouldn't get to know me
do they care? I don't care
Can you keep on fighting someone that is suffering till death
I don't think so.
When I was younger, I sometimes liked things because others influenced me
Smile at me and please me with approval
God I did hate myself when I did that, so I changed
Disgusting faux smiles that smell of unwashed old bodies
Things you expect to go well, go wrong
things you expect to go like shit, go well
Destiny is methadone for atheists
Life is a playing-dead game
Saying that life is fair is like saying that the result of a rolling dice has a meaning.
Life is a playing-alive game
The scent of revolution
always dissipates like the steam of hot iron underwater
Spiral clouds with large black volutes, grey and low, fluctuating in a stifling sky
For, every morning that we wake up,
it's between the desperate cries of screaming moaners
'It can not last ...'
Word of the Day: compelling
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