i
i
i
fight the urge to ruminate. to self-reflect. to get sentimental.
to label it all a disappointment. an unfulfilled potential. a distracted existence.
why are you? tricky that.
there's a great tension between you are and you want. to be like him, like him, with friends posess'd.
i feel the other me. the one i see in my mind. what he's doing. who he's with. where he lives. what's important to him. what he values. who he is. why he is.
and he's me. and he's not me. the me i want to be. the me i'm scared to be. the me i'm not. and yet. the me i am. and the me i'm not.
did he do the things i've done.
did he drive i80 on a dark night in the pouring pouring rain while mazzy star played through it all. with his dad sitting next to him. proud of who he was and what he was becoming.
years later did he provoke him to walking home 3 miles because him couldn't abide being in the car with he. when we were moving house. moving away from the only town him'd ever called home. taking the biggest risk him's ever taken. and in the end, failed at.
and does it register with him today. or does it not. he thinks he feels the disappointment when they talk sometimes and it does bring concern. he wants more for him and more for he.
and now that he's older, and he's looking at where he is in his life and what he's accomplished and is scared that he might be done doing done creating and he looks at him. who's resigned. and is that what he has to look forward to.
or does he say fuck it.
and is he glist-e-ning.
he sees the ramifications.
he knows the risks.
he possesses the fear. or the ambivalence. or the tire.
will i say fuck it.
will i glisten?
ADDENDUM
want to devour the beauty on the street.
these shoes aren't helping my gait.
excellent roommates indeed.
ends up dreadful drivel.
infected texts.
good old neon kind of year.
Comments