poems (123)

Not Necessarily By Choice (a Haibun)

Instant gratification.  Instant disappointment.  Dreams of yesterday and a blind tomorrow. Talk of closing doors and opened windows does not quell fear.  The unknown is too familiar.  Teetering on the precipice of what was and what will be.  The path is unlit.  In darkness all is equal.  There is no direction.  There is no certainty but that any motion will let gravity take hold.  Falling, falling, falling.  Blindfolded by emotion, a lightless tunnel.  Hoping only to land on the side facing forward.  

Thrown into change
Dragged into tomorrow
Clawing the past


Status quo has been erased.  Eradicated by others.  There is no escaping pain, there is no eluding fear.  Time stood still for ages and the clock has begun to tick in time with the very heartbeat of life.  There is more, more to be desired, more that is deserved, more life to live, more joy to find.  How bad is the hunger?  How strong the need? Driven by hope or fear, or both but driven.  Driven to a new sense of self.  A renewed confidence found only through the art of release.

Tides will rise and fall
Sun rises in the morning
Change is imminent
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Without Blinders

I see you
Alone in a crowded room
Speaking about nothing
Going through life lost inside yourself
Thinking that you're invisible
But I see you

I see you
Cigarette in hand for something to do
Working away your time for nothing
Throwing yourself into anything to keep busy
Hiding from the pain you're afraid will lead you to hell
I see you

I see you
Silently crying yourself to sleep
Wondering why it has to be so hard
Wanting nothing more than to be free
Locked behind who you want to be
I see you

I see you
So good inside, masked by a hardening shell
Heartfelt smile that shines in your eyes
So beautiful a heart that the world seems ugly
Too much disappointment, afraid to let go
I see you

I see you
Pain, excruciating, nothing to fill the gaping wounds
Liquid poured right through your soul
Ashamed of the past, afraid there's no future
One day at a time, a means to an end
I see you

I see you
Fighting everyday to be closer to good
Yet, believing all you touch turns black
Those who seek you out don't rate
Assuming they must be crazy to hang around
I see you

I see you
Happy for a minute and ashamed that you were
Thinking you poison all that you love
Caring so much that it consumes you
Believing your doing right by cutting loose
I see you

I see you
Feeling like damaged goods
Sitting on the cusp of acceptance
Trying to re-assimilate
But more afraid of success than failure
I see you

I see you
Ignoring what's right in front of you
Pretending it's not deserved
Fighting your demons alone
Afraid to smile and bask in the joy
I see you

Can you see
That you don't have to fight alone
That you are loved just as you are
That you are an imperfect person
But you are still a good man
Can you see that I see the real you
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If It Was Me

If it was me
I wouldn't stand in your way
I wouldn't hinder your happiness
I couldn't disrupt your life just because I love you
If it was me
I would let you be
I would walk away
and hope you reconnect with your family
If it was me
I'd cry myself to sleep
I'd wake to dreams of what could be
I'd stay busy enough to be numb
I'd pray that it would get easier without you
If it was me
I'd cherish every memory
I'd want nothing more than to be with you
And still I would go
If it was me
I would tell you how much I love you
I would make sure you knew you are wanted
I would show you you are loved
I would cherish our bonded friendship
And hold onto it with all I am
If it was me

But it's not me, it's you
And I wish you would love me as I love you
I wish you were less noble
Yet I would never change you
I would want you to tell me you love me anyway
I would want to know the truth
I would want to know everything
For how am I to find happiness, wherever it may be
If I am left to hope and wonder
If I guess on where you stand
If I'm in love, alone
How am I supposed to know what you won't tell me
So, I cry myself to sleep and dream only of you
I fight against reality and pretend I'm not in love with you
In my heart I'd swear you love me
Though I can't possibly let myself believe it
So I wonder why I'm not good enough
I wonder if you still think of me
I wonder why it is so easy for you to walk away from me
I wonder why you don't hold on to what you can with everything you are.
I wonder why it's so easy to push me away

Still, if it was me.......

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On the Mend

It was taken without asking
Held without contempt
Moved by emotion
Stolen by a lover

It was abused in disguise
Bound tightly by fear
Rejected, unforgiven
Damaged by another

It was reclaimed at long last
Caged for its own safety
Clipped so it couldn't soar
Numbed by the experience

It was afraid to be free
Blindfolded by life
relegated to dull existence
Content in acquiescence

It grew colder over time
Ignored and soon forgotten
Shriveled up and hard
Unnoticed and discarded

It was stumbled upon by grace
Warmed slowly by another
Held fast in times of trouble
Trying hard to be less guarded


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Honest

The feel of your skin envelopes me the second I close my eyes
Your lips, the very taste of you, your hand against my thigh
Racing hearts and shallow breaths of passion not denied
Dreams are filled with memories and hopes of future ties
The now has changed the status quo, I'm living in disguise
Body and mind and heart unite yet living different lives
In the throws of restlessness I awake to subtle cries
My heart, it weeps for longing, for a need I can't describe
So full of joy between us, there is more than love implied
Drawn to you completely, yet left to wonder why
Choices made against a future that seems eternally unwise
Yet painful yearning pushes to a life that we must try
An aftermath of broken hearts and tears that never dry
Still, we're drawn to one another beyond what we realize
How are we to live apart in lives where the sun won't rise
Where everything we say and do will feel like it's a lie
All the love that we could share has come as a surprise
We can't seem to hide our hearts with what our words belie


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An Ocean of Rainbows (a haibun)

Alone in a sea of the most colorful people. Rainbow dotted horizons andsparkling reflections of joy. Amazing view of happiness, of what itshould be, of what it could be. Standing atop a rock in thisocean. Searching for the unknown. Waiting and uncertain.

Passingby in waves
Ebbing and flowing in time
The tide will soon turn


Green-eyedmonster tickles toes. So many cries of glory and elation. The cluelesslinger atop a rock. Unseen or unnoticed, unloved or unwanted, or justunintentional and unrealized. Isolated by fear of falling. Afraid ofthe unknown. Afraid of breaking. Afraid of the ocean and awash inmelancholy to see it pass.

Toe dipped in slowly
Takenout to deep water
Left to drown alone


Confined tothat space. Safe from all who are unable to scale those smoothwalls. Unwilling to drop a line without a safety net. A smile witheach thought of "what if", seems like happiness from afar. Seems likecontentment, Seems like a mirage.


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Over the Hill

How old is too old

To let your dreams be your guide

To allow yourself the freedom to soar

How old is too old

To change your own direction

To put your eggs in a different basket

How old is too old

To hold on to possibilities

To run toward to good

How old is too old

To trust in yourself

And let go of fear

How old is too old?
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Worth a Shot?

I do have one dream left
One that I hold onto in silence
The one that I know can come true
The one that I keep hidden
There is that one.
Then, there is doubt
Crippling so it is
It prevents that first step
Fills my mind with fear
Is trying and failing better
Than holding on to the hope
Of what could be
So I blindly, and silently
Dipped my toe in the water
It was warm and welcoming
Though I am still paralyzed in doubt
Never to be free to put my soul in
Never to be free
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For the dreams of others

Building dreams and desires
In a brick and mortar house
It is too easy to get lost in the upkeep
Fixing what breaks takes time
Encouraging the future gets shadowed
Leaks and cracks come first
Fostering a sense of self
In house full of others
It is too easy to get lost in the people
Others with more pressing issues
They seem to take precedence
Sick littles and bills due
A life full of maintaining things
Does not bode well for dreams
There can be no example to lead by
Hard work and diligence
That can be learned
But dreams are lost
The biggest cheerleader in town
Since it is all can be done
Dreams lost to a life drowned
In the upkeep of the everyday

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On Deaf Ears

Clouds roll in and thunder roarsTears, they fall in rageburning rivers down the faceOf the once innocentHumanity ripped from soulsThe heartless riseThe careless lingerWhat was once is no longerWhat should be, never wasIneffectual wordsCounting down to nothing
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I See the Rain

Gray skies and broken rain

Sliding down the windshield

A lifeline ever-changing

droplets, in contact they merge

Yet, some sit lonely, isolated

Only to be sucked into the paths of others

Left behind or swept away


As I sat it the parking lot watching the rain on the windshield, I wasreminded of how much it reminded me of people, of life. There are somedrops that sit stagnant, almost like they are afraid to move. They areoften alone. Though, at times they are grouped with others when,without warning, they separate as one joins the crowd and leaves theother longing. A little shove from one nearby and the journeycontinues. Sometimes there are many drops running alongside. Othertimes the seem so tentative that they could be motionless. They cantrickle slowly or rush to an unknown destination. Where there are twostreams nearby, it is difficult to tell if the larger will devour thesmaller, or if the smaller will draw life from the faster flow, thusreigning it in. It is never the same path twice. So many similaritiesand so many differences. It was beautiful and a bit sad. I'd still bewatching the drama unfold, had it not been for me getting swept away bythe crowd.

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Damaged

It's in the blood and taking over, this feeling undefined. Moving through veins like lightning. Taking sanity in burning bits and pieces. Trading hope for function. Stagnant and murky still seeking the sun. Time stands still as it rushes passed. The view eternally slightly askew seeing through those eyes. Tainted and etched with salted tears.

Broken down and cracked
There's no shelter to be had
Time and space collide

Nothing left. No hiding places. Exposed to the universe, alone just the same. Shoulders soaked through and soggy, gone to dry in the sun. Far away, the sun shines brightly for them. For those who think they are whole. For those who feel the fire, yet are not burned.

Sulfur in the air
A storm of brimstone ensues
Hell is found on Earth

Feared by all. Belonging to no one. Falling to the depths in isolation. Longing to be enveloped without fear. To feel warmth without heat. To be wooed without woe. To be naked, exposed, and free, no longer tethered by a past that was never meant to be. Scars should fade but are still found bleeding. The heart lies bare in exsanguination. The soul struggles to clutch the tiniest speck of heaven.

Like a broken wing
Mended hearts may not fly, but
Love can make it soar



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Light is Overrated

Bright and shiny
Pedestrian views
Glare induces migraines
Simplistic bands of nothingness
Almost too painful to watch
Pushed beyond painted lines
Crossing into...nowhere
Where is the dark and twisted,
The interesting and obscure?
Turn the lights off and feel the way
Touch the cold steel
Delight in the balmy breeze
Experience...everything




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Until Next Time

It has been ages since eyes have fallen upon this place
Walls, once hard and cold, enveloping like a warm blanket
Soaked in intoxicating aromas
Enticed by the softness, the stillness
The slightest shift is alluring
No voice to be heard over the racing pulse of time
A deep breath and a sigh speak volumes
In silence and darkness it is left forlorn, desolate, and longing once again

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