My personal Hell.

[Rhael Joy Laramy]

So I was given the choice by an owl, do you choose hell?  And I chose hell.  Now, I am living with my mother and her husband in the middle of nowhere with only one friend and a loneliness that never ends.  I am committed and must take medication or otherwise face permanent institutionalization.  I am bipolar and suffer from depression.  This is in reaction to the post previous.  I know how you feel.  It would be lovely if the people you met on here could be your friends in real life because then I might not feel so alone.  But the truth is I fall asleep every night hoping for a dream in which someone will hold me and hoping for a true love that can never exist.  I have had very spiritual experiences but they amount to nothing.  They have become just memories of voices I once heard when I was lonely.  The voices go and I am all by myself again waiting for their return waiting for my audience.  I don't know what to tell you, except suicide is painful and you will rarely succeed.  I don't know if life is beautiful or if beauty is what you need.  I see beauty but it just makes me feel vacant and disconntected like there is no one to witness this with me.  I hope you are well and that you are not alone.  I wish I could be with you.