Can't seem to get out of my head these days. Other people open their mouths and sounds come out and I nod my head and try to respond but can't keep my mind from wandering. I oscillate between thinking I'm on to something and thinking I've completely lost it... I know I was in the same place a few months ago and came out of it alright but I can't shake the feeling that I don't want to "snap out of it" and return to normal life because it feels hollow and empty now. I try to embrace uncertainty, to exist in the space between a 0 and a 1, a no and a yes, to fully explore that nebulous non-answer for all its mysteries, but it tears me up inside and consumes me.
I wish I could be more present for the people around me. I know my uncertainty affects others and creates a ripple and all I want is calm, but that doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I suppose now is the time to let the storm rage, or at least to let the rain quietly fall on my rooftop while my mind loops and whirls. I wish I were able to lose myself in the noise so I could actually listen to it but I keep having to shut it off so I can take care of day-to-day human needs which seem so hopelessly banal. I see those around me struggle and it doesn't seem right that things come so easily to me just because I happened to get good genes and made myself open to things that others aren't... but that is a human need too, I suppose. I just wish it weren't so tainted.
I know I'm not making much sense but hopefully someone can interpret this mess of thought and emotion.
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