Throwness (Letter To An Imaginary Love)

[Ariel]

Today I was struck by an absurd but valid feeling. I realized, through an inner flash of light, that I am no one. Absolutely no one. In that flash of light, what I thought was a city proved to be a barren west Texas plain revealing no sky. I’m no one. No one at all. I’m the suburbs of a non-existent town.I don’t know how to feel, how to think, how to want.I am a stranger in the world and to the world, and am indifferent to all the lies about a meaningful world. I’m the plot of an unwritten film, wafting in the air, detached without ever having existed.The whirling of an infinite ocean around a hole in nothing. In this vast vertigo floats everything I’ve ever seen or heard in empty decent. Houses, Faces, kisses, pinches of music and inflections of voices all circling a bottomless void. Spinning corpses of physical space. The end of all worlds churning blackly in the waves. I’m that void at the center of which everything spins, falling from a trap door through infinite space. Existing only so this black whirl can spin, being a center simply because every circle fucking has one.But let’s just sit down here for a moment. From here we can see more of the sky. The vast expanse of these starry heights is soothing. Life hurts less as we gaze at them; a hint of fresh air from an unseen fan refreshes our weary faces. YOU are in this moment the whole universe for me. You’re the full content of my conscious sensation. All I want from life is to feel it being lost in these unexpected evenings we share. On this height by the oldest sky where the stars will always return. We must always live in the present. We and the universe and the mystery of both…eternally standing by the window.We don’t know anything about the future and no longer hold the past.Our arrogance is reduced to cinders in the face of the vast and chaotic absurdity of the universe. There is no clear meaning to life or death and the future is always uncertain.If I could only think. If I could only feel.You died too soon for me to ever know you…