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the power of one

rain-drops
on
roses
broken jaw
whenever she
smiles
i feel the pain
that blow to the
face
pierces my heart
she took the
blows
for
me
...for 'us
children'...
she did it for
love

for-
ever
self sacrifice
a seed in the womb
grows
to

behold
the flower
i look into those
eyes
so
full of grace
i forget all hate
remember, only,
innocence, again...
a crooked smile
on the face of a
child
forgiveness
broken and
complete
the
courage
to have joy...
my mother
she
is
she
is
a

mystery to

me
i
wonder
how can she smile
with such sadness?
my mother
she
is
'Maria Von
Trap'
for
me
the
sound

of music
will always fill
that smile.
that sweet
song

fur

elise
Beethoven
she plays black and
white keys as 
words
she

will never

speak.
late
at night
almost asleep
i listened to her speak
and now she has
forgotten
the
song
i once knew
my
mother
my
mother
my
mother
is
fading
fading
fading
away
i cry out to her
from
...afar...
'fly little bird
...fly...
go to the hills
go to the hills
go to the hills
and
sing your song!..
you
haven't done
'nothing wrong ! '
mother.

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A Scanner Darkly

I just watched the movie A Scanner Darkly and it was AWESOME I didn't know Radiohead made the soundtrack, I just realized those sound effects and then the ending scene it was Thom's voice, on the song Black Swan. Have you guys watched it?

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Chapter Four.

 

It is the first day of Seventh grade and I am nervous.  I spent all night preparing my outfit.  I am wearing a light pink t-shirt with princess in rhinestones across the heart and sparkly silver jeans.  I called my friend Danielle and in all excitement described the outfit.  When I see her at school she asks me why my outfits always sound better on the phone.  Second period is Math and I have a picture of Elijah Wood in my folder.  I have a crush on Elijah Wood, I love him in Lord of the Rings.  I have never read the books but I am sure he portrays Frodo perfectly.  Joya is assigned to the seat next to me and she opens her folder and there is a picture of Elijah Wood.  We instantly begin to like each other.

 

It’s my birthday and my mother says that I can have a sleepover.  I don’t know who I will invite, I don’t have any close friends.  I decide to invite Erika, Joya, and Ashley.  I know Erika and Joya from the playground.  I know Ashley from choir.  I spend the day cleaning the basement so that it will be perfect for when the girls get here.  There is an area in our basement that even though our basement is pure cement, there is carpeting and couches and a television.  My old Nintendo is down here too.  I play Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt.  My guests arrive and we all start off upstairs.  Joya gives me a lot of Lip Smuckers, a ten pack, and Erika gives me a diary.  Ashley gives me a Barbie.  It is a veterinarian Barbie with a cat and a dog.  We all head downstairs for the night after we have all had cake and we start to gossip.  We all get into our sleeping bags and my cat Greyson comes down the stairs.

 

Greyson likes to crawl under the covers with me and he crawls into my sleeping bag, I don’t think much of it and even brag about how much he loves me.  The other girls are appalled that I let him sleep with me and I feel ashamed.  We all go to sleep.

 

At school on Monday Erika and Joya taunt me endlessly about Greyson.  I feel like my birthday was a disaster.  I had wanted them to think I was cool but they just think I’m a cat fucker.  Joya even puts notes in my locker, she slips them in through the grate at the top and when I open it, they are waiting for me.  “Catfucker”.  They taunt me all day in the hallway.  I try to ignore them but all I can do is listen.  I don’t mind.  I just want to be their friend.

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Paradiso.

Paradiso.

 

In our faerieland where Bumbles have no teeth

The cigarettes grew from bushes

And the lemonade is always sweet.

 

You and I would walk along a row of birch trees

And kiss in the shadows of an old oak tree.

 

You would ask how I was but I wouldn’t need reply

For the shine in my smile and the scream in my eye.

 

Gamble with me and say “I knew thee well.”

For a person could be happy skating on the jaws of hell.

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Boogah (dog poem).

Boogah.

 

 

The little boogah waits in the backseat.

“Bark, bark,” and we leave him there with the windows partially down.

Shopping with my grandmother

Amish potato salad and raspberry filled donuts

I buy, she works too hard

Elbow in elbow we walk out the door

And our hearts blossom in the dew of the afternoon

And I think, “All I am I owe to you.”

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SEVENTY-TWO

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why
it don't matter, anyhow
and it ain't no use to sit and wonder why
if you don't know by now
when your rooster crows at the breaks of dawn
look out your window and I'll be gone
you're the reason I'm traveling on
if i’m not there now physically
i’m always before you
come what may

it ain't no use in turning on your light
that light I never knowed
and it ain't no use in turning on your light
i'm on the dark side of the road
but I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
to try and make me change my mind and stay
just give me more time I hope and pray
i mistake all you say
the seeds of the dandelion you blow away

it ain't no use in calling out my name
like you never done before
it ain't no use in calling out my name
i can't hear you any more
i'm a-thinking and a-wond'rin' walking down the road
i once loved a woman, a child I'm told
i give her my heart but she wanted my soul
you got me into this mess so
you get me out

so long honey 
where I'm bound, I can't tell
goodbye's too good a word 
so I'll just say fare thee well
i ain't saying you treated me unkind
you could have done better but I don't mind
who else do you kiss
with those lips, with those lips
gone with a touch of your hand
 
If i knew now
what i knew then
these are the rules, these are the rules
and they are cruel

 

 

 

 

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Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

File:MagrittePipe.jpgThis is a painting by a Belgian artist René Magritte intitled The Treason of Images. I first saw this in high school, a copy hanging off the wall in our philosophy class. I thought it was nicely painted but had no idea what it said underneath. So I asked a girl in my class who spoke French to translate it for me and she said it read: This is not a pipe.

My first reaction to this at 15 was quite teenager-ish, I thought it was pure nonsense. I saw it as something irrelevant, shallow and pointless. Today when I see 14 and 15 year old teenagers react the same way, at first I feel like "How can they not see it?!" but then I remember back to my first reaction and understand...some things you just can't grasp that early on.

I was very into video games a few years back, especially into the GTA series. Not really because of the violence, I wasn't particularly into that, I was the one driving around as carefully as possible, what interested me was the story line, which, despite the abundance of violence, blood and killings, was there and was interesting. Nothing in it happened without a reason. 

I was playing it and the idea slowly seeped inside of me. In the game everything is set up for you, the individual, the player to explore. Everything is a projection, from the oceans, cities and buildings, down to every "person" in the video game which is supposed to give the impression of a busy city and everyday people. It's all a projection, all a calculated program to push you through its story line which you have to finish. It works like that in every video game, also in almost all of the books.

And this was food for thought. What if this translates into our every day reality, what if we are inside some sort of a program, a projection of things to influence us into a certain direction. The question immediately posses, who is the programmer? Is there something which directs us? Or is it a sort of free simulation, a one in which we all decide our future outcome...  

At first this lead me into a much more extreme direction. I first started contemplating that, maybe only I am real and everyone and everything else is this projection, like the video game. So this would mean, from my point of view, that I am posting a blog for the projections to read it, but from your point of view it would mean that a projection from your own "simulated" world is writing about being a projection for you to realize that you're the only one who is real.

I explored that idea for a while, in a sense still do, but it has changed since then a bit. I don't view myself as the only real thing in the universe anymore (which was an extremely selfish view, looking back at it), but I see everyone as real, the only difference is that we are both...for ourselves we are real, for everyone else we are projections. 

In my head it works sort of like this. When you meet someone, you meet this projection and the same thing is happening vice versa. Real person meeting someone who is also real, but they both see each other as projections. You enter a world of someone else, you can look inside it, you can see it, hear it, smell it and feel it, but you will never fully understand it. Like a glitch in the program, it will never allow you to fully comprehend someone elses reality because it could distort or even shut down your own. Just imagine what could happen if we could completely and fully fall inside someones world, not only view it and observe it, but completely correlate to it...wouldn't our own reality disappear?

Here steps in Magritte's painting back in new light. So the pipe really isn't a pipe. It looks like it, but it's only a 2D projections of the element manufactured in our world. The picture we see might look real, but it isn't. And here comes a dark twist to the whole simulation.

If it truly is that, only a simulation, then there is nothing  wrong for you to kill a certain projection. You won't feel the pain of  the fatal wound, and you can assume from this theory that the projection won't feel it either (just like in the video game). But our own program decided to ensure this wouldn't happen (as often), so it fitted us with a command inside (most) of us that we call empathy. The ability to relate to other "projections" and what they might be feeling, although we can never truly know what that may be or even if they are feeling anything at all! 

We trust our own experiences and we assume what someone else might be feeling in a certain situation. So that keeps us from killing everyone we dislike and prevents us, as a species, to evaporate. Again, imagine the world or our society in which there is no empathy...would we even be here right now? We would probably kill ourselves somewhere early on in our evolution...probably.

In this theory something else intrigued me quite a bit...everyone's experienced coincidences which are hard to dismiss as mere happenstance, which our logical minds find difficult to explain, and we all search from where these coincidences came...some find it in religion, others find magical energies floating in the universe and some say it's as simple as a coincidence,  nothing more than that.

My head was fucked a few times by these strange occurrences and I've always left them as just simple coincidence, I tried rationalizing them but I never managed to write them off. I left them in my sub conscious to float until something reasonable comes along and explains them away. But I also started imagining,...if this world is just a simulation for each individual, how do coincidences fit in?

Like a story-line which you are following, it pushes you back or forward into a certain direction you may or may not like. That brought a question...so, there are stories we follow? We don't have free will?  The "program" decided this was our tale and we must walk on its path no matter what? 

I explain it by the power of our sub conscious brains. We constantly give ourselves goals to achieve, sometimes without us knowing. The sub conscious observes and absorbs everything around us, all the projections... the ones it likes, it puts as a standard for us. So we constantly feel our own reality could be improved and should be, because of what we see around us. We try relating to the projection, to feel more a part of it, to look like another projection, be noninvasive, regular. 

Sometimes the goals are more noble, trying to be a better person, being more giving, but it's never altruistic, it's never really to help other people, other "projections", it's also selfish, also egoistic, because we all know the feeling of giving, helping, it feels great. So it's again by our own reality that we are govern to be good or bad to the simulation around us.

But, of course, none of our goals or wishes prepare us for the bad coincidences. No one wishes to be hit by a bus or to be diagnosed with a disease, but then the question is, how does this fit into the theory? It doesn't, unless...unless the program doesn't work for each individual but for a planet or universe as a whole.

This all sounds very religious or religion based, but I must say I've never studied any of the religious texts, I only know the basics of the major religions and that's it. But if you imagine the universe as a computer program...it constantly changes and evolves, it upgrades on permanent basis. It gets rid of some projections and creates others...Getting rid of the viruses and objects which could destroy its existence and promoting the existence of those who contribute to the upgrade.

But to the matter at hand, we've gone too far off. The idea I had (which I know is not original at all) is that it may all be govern, like a machine, an artificial machine which looks real to us. We see the pipe, we know it is a pipe, but it may be not. Just a simulation, a projection. A visible element for us to grasp and push us in a certain direction.

Do we decide that direction? I believe we do. Here I believe the philosophy of deism, which states that god created the universe but then left it to evolve on its own. We may be put here by a "program", but I believe that it is us and only us who can determine the path on which we walk. If we set our goals and do all we can to achieve them, the coincidences will follow them. Nothing good comes easy, so the bad coincidences will come, but it is us who decide whether we continue on that path or walk away from it.

We may be a part of a program, but we are programs ourselves. The entire universe or "simulation" is also inside of us, too complicated for us to grasp. Here I'll close with a statement by the comedian Bill Hicks: 

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.”

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Tributo a Radiohead en Palermo Hollywood.

Amnesiac Radiohead Retrospectiva se presenta en Liverpool Bar Palermo Hollywood por primera vez! Es el primer show del año en el cual festejaremos los 20 años del disco Pablo Honey tocando algunas canciones del disco primogénito de Radiohead además de los hits más emblemáticos.

Hay merchandising exclusivo de Amnesiacrr para los primeros 50 en ingresar y las entradas se adquieren el mismo día del show en la puerta de Liverpool a partir de las 21hs. Las mismas tiene un valor de $30.

La dirección es Arevalo 1376.

Este es el link del evento en Facebook: Amnesiacrr Live@Liverpool Bar

Youtube Oficial

Facebook

Twitter

Soundcloud

Myspace

Los esperamos a disfrutar del primer show del año!!!

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Shitty Poems

As an editor for my school's literary magazine, I get exposed to writing of every caliber and I'm still surprised by the amount of awful poems I have to read each week when it comes time to critique (tear apart).  Every new batch of works is a not-so-cleverly wrapped pair of sweatpants on christmas morning and I'm a six year old who has worked exceptionally hard to be good that year.  One would think that by now I would have an impenetrable shell, shielding me from the effects of deplorable poems and that I could just slay them with the almighty red pen of justice and move on.  But I haven't.  It's genuinely bad for the soul to read a rotten poem and I need a doctor.

I'd have to say the most common offense is the belief that the first draft is the right one.  Many of these poems reek of infancy and with that comes a monsoon of other issues.  These include but are not limited to: a mystery fetish, clunky and awkward rhymes, and a sickening affection for nature similes.  

They never seem to have a good ending either.

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when i lived alone

"when i lived alone! is there ghost in my house?!" -- song by band of horses

the music video for this song "i could sleep" by band of horses, well, the apartment in this video looks almost identical to the apartment building where i had this experience. funny that the lyrics are what they are...the guy i was dating showed me this song because i talked to him about the ghost i had in my place.

when i lived for the first time, absolutely alone without roomates or a boyfriend, on main st. in vancouver i had a strange experience. this apartment building was old and it resembled more of a kind of hospital from the 50's then it did your regular apartment complex....that older kind of structure apeals to me...non the less it left me with a feeling of unease, and that feeling grew stronger the more time i spent in that building. i found out later

on that it had once been a mad house...and also a hospital at another point in time.
when signing up for the apartment, filling out the rental agreement etc.. talking with the building manager, he had confided with me that four people had passed away only just that past month, and it had been a bit of a stressful time. i could imagine. i don't know what it would be like to be an apartment manager, but i could imagine...

and dealing with dead people, would never be easy work! ...and who would be the special candidate to find them dead in their rooms? would have probably, no doubt, been him. poor building manager! 

all four dead people had been elderly, and one was not found until somebody had complained about the stink in the hallways...body already decaying and this poor manager would have been the one who would have opened the door, and confirmed the corpse there..must have had to go through the whole process of contacting family? if there was family...getting rid of belongings etc. what a horrible situation. the things building manager's must have to deal with!! a building would become a whole life of it's own; dealing with it all like a living breathing organism. all these people, and perspectives dealt with daily. it could be an interesting job, if you were inclined to write about the people you encountered daily, but i don't think i would like it. i would never do that for a job.too much insight into how those people live and maybe even, how some of them die.

although at the time, the fact that people had died in the building did not occupy so much of my mind . and since i had never personally experienced anything supernatural, in the sense of ghosts and spirits before, that was the last thing on my mind. i was simply excited to have my own place.

i occupied a small bacelor suit, my bed was just this little cubby hole behind a wall opening out into the rest of the room. it was very very small, but it was cozy, and i liked it. i had an old window that opened up into the courtyard in the middle of the building, which was nice. my bathroom was located just outside my suit near the hallway that connected to a shared room next to mine. although, nobody lived in the room next to mine. i'm not sure if the other room had been occupied by one of the people who had recently died, or if my room had been...

the details of which rooms dead people where found in was not disclosed to me. i just figured that my room must have been one of those rooms...unlucky, lucky me.

in a city like vancouver it is very difficult to find places to rent for affordable prices. which is why most young people, in university or just working to get by, have roomates. this apartment was ideal for me. it was super cheap and really close to central transit. i felt really lucky to have found a place like this!
the first night i spent in my room alone i felt instantly the vibe in my room was...thick. that sounds strange, but it was like there was this kind of energy in my room. the atmosphere was 'thick' some how, thats the only way i know how to describe it! and i did not feel like i was alone in my room. i felt like somebody was there...and i would see white flashes every now and then out of the corner of my eyes.

the first night in that room i had to put on a movie to help me go to sleep. just to listen to some voices, give me the illusion of company. i fell asleep with no problems. i decided that whatever was in my room was not harmful, as far as i could tell at the time, and i felt whatever it was, was more curious about me than anything else.

as time went by i started to get used to the feeling of this presence in the room with me. i even started talking with it! when i got home from work i would say " and so...how was your day?, mine was great..." and then i would go into explanations telling the "ghost" about what happened. doing this thinking, that i am most likely talking to myself, but did it anyways because it had been fun for me thinking that i had a sort of invisible room-mate. besides it was lonely, i needed somebody to talk to when i got home. why not to myself?! or the ghost!? if it was in fact there!?

months passed by and nothing unusual happened. i continued to talk with my imaginary friend. i felt little to NO disturbance what-so-ever. it was only when i started dating this guy at my work that things started to get weird. i don't know if energy can attach itself to a person, but i started to feel that that's what it was doing. it was getting attached to me somehow...

can a ghost get jelouse!??

the first weird experience was at this guy's house! we had been watching a movie and out of nowhere, the vase that was on top of his fridge FLEW and i mean FLEW OFF the refrigerater and shattered on the floor! we both looked at eachother and said," wow, that was weird!" ...but both decided there had to be some kind of logical explanation for it. deep down i knew there wasn't. there couldn't have been. because it wasn't like it had just fallen to the floor, it landed far away...with a great force. like something had litterally nocked it off!

after that things got stranger and stranger. it was like the spirit was mad at me or something. one night in particular i felt this presence very distinclty close to me, behind me, all around me! it was stronger than it had ever been. it was trying desperatley to communicate something to me! wish i knew what that was...this feeling was so strong that i decided to try and take a picture of whatever this thing was. i pulled out my mobile phone and i used this to take pictures of where i felt this presense around me. after taking about five or six in a row, just following my feeling of where it was going around the room. i stoped to take a look to see if i had captured anything.

as i looked through the photo's, through the smoke in the room there was an image, right behind my face, the picture of me...and then there right behind me, directly over my shoulder, was the face of this old man! i could clearly see his features, eyes, mouth, and facial hair!...my jaw dropped. i just couldn't believe what i was seeing. the realization that this ghost was real took all this to the next level! at first it had just been a game for me!!! and now, looking at these pictures, i got goosebumps...shivers ran through me. blood ran cold! there were glimpses of this man in almost every photo...but the last one was the one that freaked me out the most. because standing in my doorway, in full view, was this man. his mouth was open as if saying something....he was standing in the doorway to the entrance of my place between the hallway that meets the shared bathroom.

there had been a plastic bag hanging on the doorknob. you have to understand that this took seconds to make this realization...this was the LAST picture i took...and when i realized. "oh my god, he is still standing there..he is RIGHT THERE by the door right NOW!"...just as i thought that... the plastic bag, floated, ever so delicately off the door nob, to the floor. like a wind had pushed it. but there was no wind...it had been "him"?! 

BAM! it felt like that bag hit the floor louder...because the realization that this "Ghost man", had done it, and had done it to show me "I"M REALLY HERE!" really freaked me out.
it's funny because in moments like this, as much as you are freaked way-the-fuck-out, it's amazing how calm you can remain. I remembered just saying to myself out loud:

"OK"......."your....REAL"...

the next day i showed people at work and the guy i was dating! it was just unbelievable to me how clear these images were! could it have just been an illusion from the smoke from my cigarettes, but in every picture?! and so clearly the features of the face, and the body in the doorframe!? who knows! i believe that there really was a ghost in my house.

things got weirder and weirder. the worst was one night that i had awoken feeling something on my face. it was like i couldn't breathe! i struggled to wake up, and then when i got up i got as far away from my bed as possible and said to it "STOP!, STOP!, ENOUGH!!!...this had gone too far!"...then i started crying...called the guy i was seeing at the time and told him what had happened. 

i prayed myself to sleep that night.

after that i never felt anything weird again...all wierd-ness stopped.
maybe it was saying goodbye to me? maybe it realized that it was scaring me too much? i still don't think that it was an evil ghost, or a bad spirit, but really... i just don't know? it made me question that much more, what really DOES happen to us in the afterlife?! do some of us get lost for a time here on earth!? stuck, in limbo? not able to figure out where to go next?

i hope that old man made his way out of limbo to that other place. i like to believe that he did...and that maybe he was just trying to say goodbye to me!

those were the most extreme sensations of a 'Ghost' i have ever had.
although, i have had clairvoyant? experiences that are similarly, if not more weird than this....and i will share that in another story.

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I'm no good at April Fools

Have you ever had a moment when you lose your shell for a few minutes?  Today, I was in a public speaking class working on a speech outline on my laptop.  The speech was coming along nicely, I think it'll go over well.  Naturally, I had to be plugged in and listening to AMOK while working- how else would I get shit done? Halfway through the class, the kid behind me tapped on my shoulder and said: "We can hear your music."  Being the contrary asshole I am, I just scoffed, "Well of course you can hear it when your head is close to my ear."  Prick.    

My eyes drift and I see that the headphones aren't plugged in completely.  They linger enough to let everyone know what's going on.  The whole class listened to at least all of Ingenue and they only know what else.  The key to success when losing your shell is to pretend it's still there.  A simple and concise plug of the headphones shut up any snide remarks from the heathens with shit taste.  

At least it wasn't Pablo Honey

(then later I thought the bzzzzz in Unless was a bug in my ear and I flailed in a dead silent room I have no regrets)

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New Cloudcast "Thom Yorke" by Here's The Thing

Thom Yorke by Here's The Thing on Mixcloud

This week Alec sits down with Thom Yorke, the front man of Radiohead, who has a new album, Amok, with the music project Atoms for Peace.  Even after over 25 years in the business, Yorke admits performing is “either wicked fun or really awful.”  He talks with Alec about what he does before going on stage and how he and his bandmates have been able to stick together since they were teenagers.

READ | Interview Transcript

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