ramblings - Blogs - w.a.s.t.e. central

For the dreams of others

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 23, 2010 at 2:26pm

Building dreams and desires
In a brick and mortar house
It is too easy to get lost in the upkeep
Fixing what breaks takes time
Encouraging the future gets shadowed
Leaks and cracks come first
Fostering a sense of self
In house full of others
It is too easy to get lost in the people
Others with more pressing issues
They seem to take precedence
Sick littles and bills due
A life full of maintaining things
Does not bode well for dreams
There can be no example to lead by
Hard work and diligence
That can be learned
But dreams are lost
The biggest cheerleader in town
Since it is all can be done
Dreams lost to a life drowned
In the upkeep of the everyday

Love has its limits?

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 21, 2010 at 3:00pm

Do you have someone that you trust implicitly? For me it has been very difficult to trust, as the past keeps creeping into the present. However, there is one person that I don't worry about in that area, only one. For the past decade and half this person has been my rock and seen me through all of my crazy. Unfortunately, I may have trusted too much. As I lost my mind for ten minutes last weekend, he never left my side. I sat by and watched as my pain spewed forth like lava from a volcano. It was almost like watching a bad movie. It was seemingly endless. By the time it was over, ten minutes later, I felt better. My fears, now voiced, did not turn into reality. They just freed up space in my soul. Yet, somehow, everything is different. Things have changed. I am no longer viewed the same way. I expressed doubt in myself, in my many roles in life. Now, it seems that I am not able to be trusted. There is tentativeness, where there once was freedom.

Once this passes, as I know it will, it will be I who has changed. For I now know that there are limits. A relationship with limits like that, doesn't lend itself well to trust. This person could tell me anything and I would not judge like that. Okay, anything except the two things that are outside of our boundaries that I'm not sure I could get passed. How could there be emotional limits. I'm afraid that I now have to reign in my thoughts, my feelings. I shouldn't have to change. Fear will win. I can no longer fully trust. I am heartbroken. Perhaps I'm just plain broken. I know this too will pass...for him. I will hold this lesson in clenched fist within my aching heart. This could last a lifetime. I hope that all is not lost.

Time's a wasting

Posted by Manar on April 22, 2010 at 12:00am

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to blog about here, but not knowing who you are (that is aside from you being part of the Radiohead community) is kind of liberating. So if you're reading this, all I have to say is I'm lacking some serious motivation to write my MA thesis, and I'd rather really just spend my time converting m4a files into mp3's. Or perhaps send an angry letter to my city transportation board asking them why they keep increasing fares while declining in service. Or beg the PhD program I want to enter for funding from their 1.2 billion dollar a year endowment. Is this how you treat a sadist who is willing to spend the next 5 years of her life living in poverty to further research and education?

Or I can listen to some music and escape the melange of self-induced life dilemmas. On the bright side, I got to see Thom Yorke/Atoms for Peace the second night in Oakland, and I'm quite sure that this experience changed my life. Being in the midst of all that exciting energy between artists and fans felt like I was truly at peace and at home--if home were a state of mind, of course. Now back to writing about civil society.

I Am Stonehenge

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 21, 2010 at 5:00am

Looking down the barrel at the firing squad. A jumble of people thrown
together to forge some semblance of authority. Halfwits and maroons
across the board. Hurling negativity, like it will turn all sparkly
with the revelation that no one is perfect. Yet, perfection is not
sought. It is up to each person to do their own job and not seek its
completion by others. Bashing the youth as they stare them down, their
condescension burning in the souls of the clueless.

It is just beyond me how an inquisition of this magnitude was assembled
for something so seemingly trivial. Then, it is supposed to have been
up to me to "fix" things. These people got the wrong gal, especially
since I don't believe that there is anything broken. It was almost
laughable to see their expressions when I so graciously reminded them
that what they were asking of me was still under their job description.

Seriously, we all have enough to manage throughout the day. Did they
actually expect that a show of force would bully me into submission.
They could think or say what they want, but that doesn't mean that I'm
going to lie down and let them stomp on me with a smile. It will take
more than their boldfaced intimidation tactics to knock me down. Do
people actually cower to them? They must, or they wouldn't keep trying
to assert their assumed superiority.

Boy, if they think they are going to call me in there on a regular
basis, they are in for quite the fight. Once is more than enough for
me. Perhaps they should focus on solutions instead of bombarding
people with all the minuscule "problems" that really aren't even worth
the time of mentioning. Talk about being focused on the wrong thing

.

Bit in the ass

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 7, 2010 at 6:46am

What do you do when someone close to you tries to say something nice while really breaking your heart? I loathe backhanded compliments. If you thought I was Lucifer, perhaps mentioning it a decade ago would have been better than telling how great I am now compared to being hells pawn back then would have been more productive. I have never gone out of my way to be hurtful or mean. Does it happen? Yes, on occasion by accident, of course it does. I am but human. Why can't people (me included) ever properly judge when to stop talking? How do we speak so much with our feet constantly in our mouths? I'll get over it, as usual. But sometimes, the sting is more than a sting and some cracks in the foundation of a relationship are irreparable. This has changed things, and I'm afraid it is permanent. Oh well, you can't choose family.

On Deaf Ears

Posted by PrttyBrd on January 26, 2010 at 4:14pm

Clouds roll in and thunder roarsTears, they fall in rageburning rivers down the faceOf the once innocentHumanity ripped from soulsThe heartless riseThe careless lingerWhat was once is no longerWhat should be, never wasIneffectual wordsCounting down to nothing

I See the Rain

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 19, 2010 at 5:40am

Gray skies and broken rain

Sliding down the windshield

A lifeline ever-changing

droplets, in contact they merge

Yet, some sit lonely, isolated

Only to be sucked into the paths of others

Left behind or swept away

As I sat it the parking lot watching the rain on the windshield, I wasreminded of how much it reminded me of people, of life. There are somedrops that sit stagnant, almost like they are afraid to move. They areoften alone. Though, at times they are grouped with others when,without warning, they separate as one joins the crowd and leaves theother longing. A little shove from one nearby and the journeycontinues. Sometimes there are many drops running alongside. Othertimes the seem so tentative that they could be motionless. They cantrickle slowly or rush to an unknown destination. Where there are twostreams nearby, it is difficult to tell if the larger will devour thesmaller, or if the smaller will draw life from the faster flow, thusreigning it in. It is never the same path twice. So many similaritiesand so many differences. It was beautiful and a bit sad. I'd still bewatching the drama unfold, had it not been for me getting swept away bythe crowd.

Midnight Ponderings

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 24, 2010 at 5:50am

Is there life to be breathed into a dream long since dead?
Is it too late to strive for what could still be?
If life's journey as pulled things far out of shape, can the path still be found?
Everyone is where they need to be, so then is it that what was meant to be is?
Does longing in the heart really mean that something is missing?
How can a void, however minuscule, be filled if no one knows how it came to be?
How important should one be made to feel?
If there is so much happiness in this place, why does it feel like someone else's life?
These days are good, but a little empty.
So is it better to have days that are full of bad?
If there is hope for more, does that mean that there will be more?
If you want it, but getting it might cause pain, should it be sought anyway?
When is it time to be top on the list?
In order to be on top, do others have to be pushed down?

Damaged

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 25, 2010 at 6:46pm

It's in the blood and taking over, this feeling undefined. Moving through veins like lightning. Taking sanity in burning bits and pieces. Trading hope for function. Stagnant and murky still seeking the sun. Time stands still as it rushes passed. The view eternally slightly askew seeing through those eyes. Tainted and etched with salted tears.

Broken down and cracked
There's no shelter to be had
Time and space collide

Nothing left. No hiding places. Exposed to the universe, alone just the same. Shoulders soaked through and soggy, gone to dry in the sun. Far away, the sun shines brightly for them. For those who think they are whole. For those who feel the fire, yet are not burned.

Sulfur in the air
A storm of brimstone ensues
Hell is found on Earth

Feared by all. Belonging to no one. Falling to the depths in isolation. Longing to be enveloped without fear. To feel warmth without heat. To be wooed without woe. To be naked, exposed, and free, no longer tethered by a past that was never meant to be. Scars should fade but are still found bleeding. The heart lies bare in exsanguination. The soul struggles to clutch the tiniest speck of heaven.

Like a broken wing
Mended hearts may not fly, but
Love can make it soar

A little stuck

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 23, 2010 at 3:39pm

Sitting here unmotivated and unmoving doesn't seem to be ending the world as I know it. Not that this is something that I plan on getting used to. It's just nice to know that if I don't feel like it, I don't really have to do anything. Unfortunately, it still feels like I really need to be doing something. I'm just not sure what that is right at this moment. So, I'm here wasting some time online and thinking about all the things I really ought to be doing, knowing full well that I won't be doing any of them. I think I'll finish that scarf I started and just in time for spring too.

Light is Overrated

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 19, 2010 at 7:00am

Bright and shiny
Pedestrian views
Glare induces migraines
Simplistic bands of nothingness
Almost too painful to watch
Pushed beyond painted lines
Crossing into...nowhere
Where is the dark and twisted,
The interesting and obscure?
Turn the lights off and feel the way
Touch the cold steel
Delight in the balmy breeze
Experience...everything

Really?

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 1, 2010 at 5:30am

There is no way to prepare for the day that the reality of monsters lies squarely on your shoulders. It truly is profound, and there is no turning back time. One day in one split second, it will never be the same.

Apology

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 1, 2010 at 5:30am

I did not see.
I could not understand.
I believed I could.
I never knew.
I am sorry.

This was too Fucking funny

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 13, 2010 at 3:00pm

On the Horizon

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 23, 2010 at 3:41pm

Cold sheets on warm skin
Embers smolder deep within
Contemplation, undecided
Ruminating unrequited
Marble swirls, icy glare
Reflections of a lonely stare
Perfection personified, lovely face
Flawed and human, full of grace
Lashes long, strong full lips
Elegant hands, soft fingertips
Glide across in satin touch
Electric shock, it proves too much

Journey to Nowhere

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 23, 2010 at 3:23pm

I can see a happy life
I can see you
The path is strewn with ancient wreckage
Scars of Hell burn here on Earth
Over/under, not through
Never through
Churning, churning
Unrecognizable
The plan
Was there one?
Is there one?
Don't have one
Opinions drizzled on like hot fudge
Melt my bones
Pictures run
Round and round they go
"Ashes, Ashes"....
Then Hell on Earth
Release, Release, Release
The cauldron bubbles in my brain
Clawing talons cleave the flesh
Flesh rendered from within
No one notices without
Burning skewers holes in the mind
Oozing memories of lies
And howls of fear
Maddening, deafening sounds of long passed
GET OUT OF HERE
It is etched in gray matter
Screaming out in pained silence
All is well
All is well
ALL IS WELL!
Off the track
Bumpy road less traveled
Forged alone
Wrong direction
Wrong choices
Wrong life?
No choice, did not choose
Pebbles of hope cause a landslide
The hear runs out the mind
Reflections of inadequacy
Searing blindness
NO NO NO
Surrounded by oblivious masses
To be loved, yet not known
To be heard, yet not understood
Life had lead me
No steering
No guides
No breaks
Extended beyond myself
Dependence
Did not aspire to that end
Aspire?
Aspire!
There was a plan...once
Brainfreeze
Anguish
Plight acknowledged

Bad Friend, Better Mom

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 12, 2010 at 5:12pm

I've been thinking a lot about this family I was once close to. We have only spoken or seen each other a few times in the last couple of years. I love these people very much. A part of me would like to so much more of them. Unfortunately, a bigger part of me needs to shelter my children from all the drama. There are intermittent prescription pills involved, which saddens me. They have had help on many levels. I really do wish that I could be there for them, and I am as much as I can. I check on them and email them, but it is difficult to stop by. Their kids are out of control and they are stuck in a bad situation. I don't trust them around my kids because they can't trust themselves to be vigilant as adults around children should be. I miss them, the sober them. It is that side of them that is adored by me. The rest is too much. I feel guilty for not being who they can lean on through this. I used to be. It all changed when I saw her going through my husbands pain pills trying to sneak a new bottle into her pants. I was disgusted and heartbroken that she would do that, especially since my husband had just been in a severe accident and had three surgeries a week before. He might have needed those pills. As it turned out, we still have most of them in the back of the cabinet, since he is very stubborn and hates pills. But the fact that she did not consider his sever pain while trying to steal from us, well, that did it. I wish her the best. I pray for her kids. I keep in touch with people that I know who know them, and of course I email. But I can't be in that. It's not good for me and definitely not good for my children. I love these people, but I love my kids more. Still I have guilt. Even in the middle of all this, when she found out I was pregnant a ways back, she saved all her baby's stuff. I didn't need to buy anything but diapers and socks until he was four months old. I was very thankful. It was great and these people are very giving. They are just troubled. I think shame over the pill incident has kept them from seeking us out more regularly. I should reach out more. Fear stops me. I'm being a bad friend, but a good mom. Is there a way to be both. I feel like I don't have enough fun time with my kids as it is, so how would I justify leaving to visit them without the kids. I hurt and I pray for them.

Too much of a good thing?

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 15, 2010 at 12:20pm

I'm finding a little bit of quiet time to be quite disturbing. Which is odd, because I love quiet time. Perhaps it's because it is morning and half of them slept through the morning chaos. That means that it was calm and quiet for the first time in a long time. Now the day has begun and still, quiet. It's too much. Not looking for chaos, just a little background noise. Maybe I'll take a nap and when I wake up it won't feel like the twilight zone. Hmmmm, only one way to find out. Then again, I'll probably close my eyes just to be awakened by the normal loudness that lives here.

The Thought Alone

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 21, 2009 at 6:06pm

Cool breezes in blowing hairFeeling your skin growing cold in the airKnowing more than you thought you knewThinking of all you should never doIs it really that easy to do what you wantWhen there is a chance that the guilt can hauntThe conscience is strong but the will is weakSitting alone with a tear stained cheekWorried about what ifs is no way to liveLetting things go, it's so hard to forgiveNothing has happened, no plans have been madeSitting here crying alone in the shade

Makes no sense

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 17, 2009 at 4:27am

Through the thunder nothing is heardA shadow of a voice imprinted on the mindThe wind howls and masks their screamsCan one's own mind be trusted?Not in search of, but finding odditiesThings that seem senselessThey fill the crevices left in dreamsThere is no help for the silentMind tricks and slight of handSay the words and life is lightenedOne load at a time

Note: this page contains paid content.

Note: this page contains paid content.

Note: this page contains paid content.