ramblings - Blogs - w.a.s.t.e. central

Innards

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:15am

Why is it so easy to hate yourself, yet so hard to change what you find so loathsome? Is it fear of change, laziness, or a slow torturous mode of self-destruction? It’s curious how the very same things you despise in yourself don’t seem to bother you in others. If you hate your curly hair, you don’t mind curly hair on someone else. If you have bad skin, you don’t mind it on others. If you’re fat or skinny, none of these things stop you from talking to others with the same or similar issues. You don’t think less of someone because they have physical imperfections.So, why are you so quick to pass judgment on yourself? You have friends and people who love you. Why is it so difficult to believe in their feelings, to trust them despite your physical attributes? Could it be that those attributes are a subconscious attempt to conceal what you really abhor? If you “know” you are not worthy, then how can anyone truly believe you are? It’s only a matter of time before they come to the inevitable conclusion that they can all do better. Better looking, better everything. Why stay with someone they can’t stand the sight of? Is that it, or a part there of? If you repulse them physically, then maybe they’ll leave before they realize how pathetic you really are. Maybe, it’s a test. After all if they love you, won’t they love you regardless? Maybe you just really can’t stand this hideous farce your life has become, yet you feel so powerless that you have just given up on yourself. Perhaps the violent humiliation of the past is so prevalent in all you do, even all these years later, that it has caused you to do all you can to lessen the possibility of recurrence, in which case, the fatter the better, but at what price?When is enough, enough? When will you matter to yourself? Why continue to let the skeletons of your past control your life, and by extension the lives of those around you? Tell your loved ones and let them show you they still love you. Trust that you are strong and know that you deserve to like yourself. Give yourself a break. The bar is set too high and you have set yourself up for constant failure. Find what little thing you really want to do, just for you, reach that goal and then upgrade.Find your way back to you. Though it may be a long and arduous journey, it is a road long awaiting travel. Don’t waste the next eighteen years hating yourself for things that were never your fault. Unlock these chains that weigh you down. Summon some of that strength you use to forgive others and forgive yourself. You are worthy of so much more than that.I know it seems like all the good in your life is happening outside yourself, but take a closer look. Would any of it have happened without you? Don’t blame yourself for the bad and write off the good. They go hand in hand and the good wouldn’t be so good if there was no bad to judge by. Know that things will get better and that despite how it may seem, everything that goes wrong around you is not your fault. You are deserving of happiness. You are worthy of love, without doubts. Take pride in yourself and whatever you do, no matter how seemingly small the task. You are a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t let your mistakes define you. Rise above and learn to let go. It’s easier said than done, but the rewards for release are countless. Free yourself!

For those who didn't know

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:07am

Apparently human children can release a certain frequency that travels through the adult spine slamming into the brain with such force that it negates all sense of sympathy for the child emitting such a horrid screech.Sympathy and nurturing resume at normal levels once the sirens have been neutralized.By the way: This is also the birth place of gray hair and a very strong wrinkle antagonist.

Morning Again

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 12, 2009 at 11:21am

The black sky turns navy, turns blueIt is tomorrowToday is yesterdayYet it does not feel in the pastStill fresh, it lingersIt taints the morning with its unanswered questionsWith its thoughts weighing heavily in the airIt is hard to breatheBarely notice the rising sunRoosters crow in the distanceCold permeates the roomSeeping through the walls,Like the ghost of ChristmasChilled and AgedNot as fine as wineYet more than sour grapesMay the heavy head be cleared with the fog

A Day at Home

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 9, 2009 at 2:34pm

In the middle of the afternoonDeeply entrenched in a rutSurprised by the lingeringBy you hanging aroundTrudging through to the endProves difficult indeedNothing getting doneBeing watched in slow motionBeing pulled to other thingsYanked out of the rutJust to be thrown back in laterPlaying catch up is not funBut getting the eyeYes, it is a nice little surprise

All or Nothing?

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 12, 2009 at 11:08am

Trying so hard to reach a goalBaby steps feel like failureFailure turns into painPain begets more painStress dilutes happinessHappiness is fleetingA glance here and a smile therePerhaps it can melt away all the uglyPerhaps notWill the world end if things are left unfinished?Everything to everyoneIt all seems so realIs it?How can it be so?No one will run if it is left undone"No" is not a bad wordNo need to fearNo place to hideThe soul can be freeJust let it go

Sleepless

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 4, 2009 at 9:40am

Here, in the darkness, surrounded by mechanical whirring sounds I feel...alone. Not lonely, just alone. Quiet sleeping children offer peace in their slumber. If I listen closely, there is music in their breathing, for none of them sleep in true silence. I am missing the conductor, the leader of the band, the loudest of them all. Tonight, there is a noticeable drop in the volume of ambient sound. And I, alone, have noticed. It is unsettling. With no prior knowledge of the soothing properties of such nocturnal noises, the lack of them has lead to insomnia. I thought the loudest had been keeping me awake. Perhaps this is only when it is loud enough to wake me in the first place. Now, I close my eyes and long to slip into the ethereal dreamscape. The only thought looming above me is the fact that there are three more silent nights to lie awake. And upon the return of the midnight rumbler, I will finally be able to rest. There is nothing quite like the mimicked sound of distant thunder in your ear. The question is: will I then have to trade sleep for service?

Lingering

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 20, 2009 at 7:15am

The faded dreams roll in with the darknessLike a whisper in the nightTransported to another time, another youSurrounded by those who used to love youBy those you will always loveHeartbreak and odium upon awakeningLost in the midst of then and nowKnowing what was meant to be isMourning all that wasn'tPreoccupied with the past, days seem heavyRidiculous waste of resourcesYet, it ebbs and flows like the tidesCreeping in, unwanted and unwelcomeThankful always for innocent mistakesGrateful that no one can read your mindMissing bits of who you wereWhile trying to love who you are

There's Always Tomorrow

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 20, 2009 at 7:33am

Gray clouds block the sunIts rays struggle to shine through the cracksWill the sun reign and blue skies prevailOr will the black thunder bring lightning strikesTime takes foreverAnd the rain begins to fallThe sun sets unnoticedNo beauty reflected in the rainbow skyThe moon now hidden by the stormThe night is black and chills the soulWindburned cheeks hold on to tearsThough the wet is quickly driedThe salt lines remainRemnants of sadness and lingering painFor once the heartbreak is for othersTo see their losing battleTo watch it play out from the sidelinesHelpless to change their pathTheir journey is their ownYet the heart is still brokenThe laggard storm clouds slowly scatterThe moonlight shows through just before dawnThe sun unceremoniously begins to rise

A Friend Indeed

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 18, 2009 at 8:26am

Unseen eyes and a voice unheardThe faith of a strangerStrength finds the holes and fills the gapsKind words give new meaningA friend, a true friendNo expectations and no regretsNo regrets?None at allTo be known from deep within and still be lovedYes, a "stranger" can feel like homeComfort is a welcome changeAppreciation without judgment or hidden agendas"Thank You", seems so contritePerhaps crashing to the ground on bloody knees,Grasping at the ankles of kindnessSobbing cries of gratitude through tears of reliefYes, that would doBut as the words begin to form"Thank You", is all can be is said

Beautiful and Blinding

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 17, 2009 at 10:20am

Stepping outOn stepping stonesCracked and ready to crumbleThe slightest pressure or lightest weightBring the depths instantly closerPlummeting to the unknownFacing the unwantedThe sunny sky turns tunnelTurns pinhead, turns blackVertigo, no sign to guideNothing to lean onNo way to track the bubblesAs the drowning ensuesSearing pain, like lighteningBlinds or enlightensA flash of what's to comeFor an instant there is tomorrowIn that instant hope renewsA hint of up or downA choice of directionA path to gloryA way of lifeAnd the sun will never be lost again

Walk into a roomThere lies the new oneThere lies the one who has your heartBlink and all's forgottenNo scars to hint of painNothing left but happiness to gainAnd so you hold on and you're heldEffortlessly there is more room in your soulDays so readily wastedJust looking in those eyesMelting the outer shellThat took a lifetime to buildIt is so easy to love you

Voice of an Angel

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 29, 2009 at 7:00pm

Chasing time results in immense frustration
Frustration that culminates in pain
The sweet sound of an angels voice
Such release to be had
Eyes closed as the music hums
Melting stress on its path to the soul
It crosses all barriers
It comforts the lonely
And it soothes the sad
It reaches through the core of emotions
Grabbing what happens to exist there
Holding fast for a ride to wherever the music will land
Accompanying melancholy through to brighter days
Smiling within
Absorbing the pain
And leaving things better than when it began

I suppose this is my little thank you to Mr. Thom.

What Have I Done?

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 2, 2009 at 1:35am

Reflections of self in othersPainfully, reality slapsRealization of needed changeMore patience, more patience,MORE PATIENCEThe residue of stinging words lingersMaking it hard to breatheThere is no escaping self-induced consequences

An Egg Story

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 27, 2009 at 5:30pm

After 7months of hatching and growing and feeding these hungry things, yesterday we had an EGG! Woo Hoo! So excited, I'm doin' a jig!!! Upon hearing that we're going to eat said egg, my 4yr old clutched it lovingly & cried, "No! No! we can't eat the baby chicken!" while sobbing. It was so sweet and touching and cute and really quite funny. It took all I had not to giggle at his sweetness while holding him and trying to explain that not all eggs grow into chickens. Unfortunately, he already knows what roosters are for :o)Though this is a kid who can eat scrambled eggs for days, the processes of seeing his chickens become parents has nothing to do with food, even though he knew we got them to eventually get eggs. I dread the day we dress one (eat one). After he was done talking to the egg it was his brothers turn. Once it got back to me, I promptly put it in the fridge.He got over it, for now. But I feel so bad, and I'm still so excited to finally have that first egg that truly I can't wait to eat it.

Choice

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 1, 2009 at 7:22pm

Steam rises from the tar on a cool night, like restless spirits trying to escape. The air is thick and barely breathable. The shadows sway in a breeze that does not blow. The night can play tricks, but no more than the mind. Trust what is seen, or trust what is felt? Trust nothing. There is no sound. There is no light other than the moon. Yet, even that likes to hide behind the thick clouds. The question is, to proceed blind or to remain stagnant? Too long a wait will result in its own decision. Everything has consequences, especially fear.

A Gift

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 1, 2009 at 7:08pm

I give to you a gardenComplete in every wayA mixture for the sensesTo ease the pain awayI give you all the flowersThat grow throughout the yearA blanket that is petal softTo wipe away the tearsI give to you a rainbowColors so brilliant and brightTo brighten up your spiritThrough the darkest of the nightsA world of wonder awaitsThough it is not mine to giveI promise I will always tryAs long as I shall live

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 23, 2009 at 5:26pm

Tracing the thoughts with a fingertipLining the clouds with silverPresent feelings from past mistakesProof that change is goodPerspicuity from a lazy dreamThoughts like jumping beansBouncing off of shady cornersWaking what lies in quiescenceScratching light into the darknessWith a stretch and a yawnFolding what was into what isForming what will be

Remembering Evil

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:30am

Tiny pieces of youLinger in my very beingBurning embers of brimstoneSulfur fills each breathI stop to smell the rosesThey turn to ash at my touchAt you within meParticles spread as I cough you upMultiplying in the airDancing with joyAt their new-found freedomTiny pieces of youRotting my soul and eating my gutsBurning pinholes in my brainMemories burned awayShadow of pain still sore, still rawLingering, lingering, lingering

Perfect Enough

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 23, 2009 at 4:57am

Mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, fixer of all things broken, doctor, nurse, tutor, chef, and maid. So many shoes to fill in a day, an hour, every minute. It is a lot when you think about it, and there will never be enough time. Take each day as it comes.Though being all things at all times can wear on you, you only have to be who you are and the rest just kind of falls into place. Though there is always room for improvement, I don't know if we can ever truly be who we wish we were.Everyone I know wishes they could be their own version of perfect, the perfect wife, mother, lover, or friend. We are all but human, and as such, we are perfect enough. All else can be forgiven.

Freedom in Raindrops

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:35am

Two feet in front of you Is all you can seeSheets of rain and distant thunderLightning cracksPelting raindrops sting the skinHead down walking fasterFreezing waterHot airSteaming sidewalksCan’t breatheEyes burning with salty tearsThe perfect camouflageNo questions askedNo explanation neededThere is freedom in raindrops

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