I know youI know you because I am youI see myself in your eyesI wish I was who you believe me to beI wish I knew me like you know meYou trust because I have proven to be trustworthyYou believe in me because I have yet to let you downYou love because you perceive the good in meI am not evil, but I am not perfectFlawed and broken, am I still beautiful?
Read more…
Not so long ago the slightest thing would induce physical signs of stress. Rushing around for the benefit of others trying to fit an unkempt world into the seemingly hardened schedules of others why I ever bothered trying, I'll never know. The most harmful to me was the migraines and high blood pressure. The most harmful to my family were my increased crankiness and ever-shortening temper. Now, however, after real crises, after sacrifices that were mandatory to save the innocent, well, the rest is not at all important. Not to me anyway. I'm sure those with their organized little lives will hate me just a little for my new found lack of concern for their parameters. But hey, these things happen. We all have enough burdens to shoulder. There is no need for any of us to be strapped with rules imposed by others just to make their lives easier and to hell with our own. If something is late, the world will not end. If I can't bake 60 homemade brownies for a bake sale with just a day's notice, well, be thankful that you have 40 from a box mix and shut the hell up. We can only do what we can do. We will always let someone down. If people have unrealistic expectations of who they think we are, they are only setting themselves up for disappointment. Those who love us, know how we are and love us anyway. Those who are getting to know us have no reason to push us into what they want us to be.I have freed myself from guilt and it is just lovely. After years of trying not to give a crap, it took something enormous to allow me to just let it go. I had wanted to for years. I mean, who wants to give a crap about every stupid little thing? I had begun to hate myself for being bothered when I couldn't get everything done to the specifications of others. But no one else really cared if I was perfect, just me. Talk about wasted time and energy, geez. I used to suck the joy out of just about everything (in my own mind anyway). Now, it is pleasant to experience the little wonders of life when you're not bogged down with what is "supposed" to be getting done. Who's to say how things are "supposed" to be anyway. I have never claimed to be perfect, and I will probably always want to be better than I am. However, if I don't have the time to devote to everyone else's cause, oh well. I will volunteer when or if I can. I will no longer fill empty positions that take too much away from my family, just because someone needs to do it. I am not the only capable person out there, and though I wish everything ran as smoothly as possible, it isn't my sole responsibility to make it so. It is strange to think that not so long ago, just that very thought would make my stomach knot up. It feels good to prioritize life according to my actual priorities and not have things convoluted by others.I was trapped by my desperate need to avoid being selfish. But taking time for yourself in order to keep your sanity is more of a necessity that anything, and choosing family needs above the needs of each individual is easier on a per situation basis. Not everything in life is equal and try as I might I cannot make it so. I'm still getting used to this new outlook, but i am thoroughly enjoying the process. Let's face it, when Mom is happy, everyone is happy. (works for me: )
Read more…
It is only human to expect others to handle situations, as would you. However, being that sometimes even you surprise yourself, aren’t you just setting yourself up for more disappointment?People shouldn’t be thrust into the parameters of those who see them. I suppose it’s that whole “do unto others” thing. But just because you do unto them doesn’t mean anyone else will. Should you change? The simple answer is, no. Just see people for what they are and not what or who you want them to be.Perhaps your time is better spent trying to be the person you wish you were (kinder, more patient, more forgiving), instead of wishing others were different than how they are. Don’t love them any less because they are not perfect. Just don’t expect them to act outside themselves. Take them as they are.We are who we are. If you don’t like it, focus on bettering those parts you find particularly dissatisfying.Nuggets of inspiration or impossible ideals; I suppose time will show who will emerge from behind the walls of shelter. Funny how those walls that were built to keep you safe from harm seem to let all the old pain fester as there is no way for it to escape.
Read more…
A storm is brewing in the airA tempest on the horizonMisery is up on endAnchoring itself to fightPins and needlesIn the eye of the stormCalm is all but fleetingBlack skies ensueAs fear climbs over barricadesWhat to do? What to do?Preparations are uselessBarreling through wallsRipping through the strongest willReduced to childrenClutching at the breast of mother earthVying for positionAfraid to give up the easyIs there one right path?There never is just one right answerLightning strikes again and againSame place, same placeMelted souls of hopeful doubtAll or nothingBlack or whiteRight or wrongIf only life was like a sunny shore
Read more…
Posted by PrttyBrd on September 25, 2009 at 10:47pm
Like water off a ducks back, the smile returns. The next day all is well, as if it never happened. There is no denial, but there is also no dwelling. A lesson I wish I could learn as I continue to ponder things incessantly. Resilient and strong in spite fear. Quiet and hopeful and grateful for a good day. I am at ease in the knowledge that despite appearances, he is truly stronger than I could hope to be.
Read more…
Posted by PrttyBrd on September 23, 2009 at 4:49am
At 18 you are not who your parents perceive you to beAt 18 the mistakes you make are yours aloneAt 18 you learn life's lessons can be brutalAt 18 you think a broken heart is a mortal woundAt 18 you don't know who areAt 18 you have dreamsAt 18 the world is yoursAt 18 you CAN do anythingAt 18 you can be who you want to beAt 18 you can make your own choicesAt 18 set backs do not defeat youAt 18 you are freeAt 18 there is always time
Read more…
Though the act itself is a miracle, of sorts, does the struggle to succeed make it a blessing too? Is a bond born in pain stronger than one created in bliss? Is love stronger when you have to fight for it? It seems odd that it would be so. Yet, that is how it feels. When you give of yourself, when you sacrifice so much and you are rewarded in yields of unfathomable proportions, it truly does seem so.
Read more…
Open eyes can see as it all floats far awayThough denial runs deep even in the face of self-realizationStanding still in hopes that a small part will lingerVisions of yesterday's happiness shade today's shameDifferent hues can tighten the squeezeSmall bits of who you thought you were run outLost in the vast nothingness that has taken holdTwisted views of reality skew the mind against youIn a good moment there is peaceToo quickly forgotten, too quickly lostSearching to find a shortcut back to who you want to beRealizing in darkness that maybe, that never existedWondering if in this so-called truth lies the reality of othersIs this who you are?Is this who they see?You can choose to live in the worst thoughts of you,Or believe in the best version of yourself
Read more…
Tie-dyed psychedelic swirling thoughtsMid-day nightmares tied in knotsJagged edges of broken mindsUntamed beauty so unkindHoney sweet and sappy placesCharcoal eyes on empty facesInside ugly seeps through perfectionBlocking daylights warm reflectionChasing nothing standing stillRaining brimstone breaks the willHeld fast in place by testimonyIndecipherable real or phonyUndependable instincts and cloudy visionInhibits any and all decisionsHand-mixed daydreams light and creamyCandy coated happiness, all is dreamy
Read more…
Weight of the worldBroken shoulders and cracked spinesLong run consequencesShort run blissWhat's right for nowOr what's right for laterGood for oneOr good for othersRubber arms cannot balance the sidesToday's frustration swallows tomorrowDelinquent youthIntolerant with ageRules or freedomIs there freedom within the rulesIs tomorrow forever tainted by mistakes from todayPerhaps tomorrow is tainted by things further in the pastThen again, could that be where true liberty liesLetting go of bad choicesLiving with the bed you made by accidentDo accidents really existIs there even a pathMistakes that matter need not be ones ownBuried under a world of nothingnessIt matters to no one but you
Read more…
FloatingHoping to catch an eyeEven the eye of a stormWaitingFor someone else to doWishingTo be noticedNot wanting to be judgedLongingTo have some course of actionNon-action is an action of choiceLookingFor someone else to seeTo see importance in what has been leftFloating
Read more…
Counting on the everydayThe eye is caught by a lost soulFamiliarity is strong, but the eyes go emptyCalling for attention goes unnoticedReaching out, your hand passes right throughAs if an apparition, seemingly solid yet made of mistThere is nothing to grasp ontoSo the once familiar passes by unable to find its wayNot really searching for it, the soul continues to wanderWatching as its surroundings seem to swallow it all at onceWanting to follow and fix what you are not sure is even brokenStopped by nothing in particular, that first step is never takenWondering if your paths will cross again
Read more…
An inherent fear of being selfish has shaped a severely skewed existence. How far is too far to bend in the wrong direction, and who's to say which is the wrong way? I have found these times to negate the usual course of things in my life. A, more than determined, third party has twisted the norm and rendered me unimportant, for now. I am grateful for this change. Whatever torturous course of action is taken, it is I that will suffer gladly for every extra moment.Yet, in suffering for this cause, I must ignore the life I built and those who love me may not understand. I have sent away the beautiful distractions to concentrate on the task at hand. I am sad and broken, but this is all I can do. There is no decision to make, for there is no real choice. Whatever reaction, whatever possibility, I will trudge through it all for the possibility of time. How am I supposed to just give up and let things be. Am I to let one suffer to humor the other? It is an impossibility. An extra month, or week, or day or minute can mean the difference between a fighting chance and a broken beginning. The latter is not an option, not if I can help it. So injections of man-made concoctions and happy accidental side-effects of breathing shots, pills that barely work as directed, and regular trips to confounded professionals are my lot in life for as long as it takes to make this a success story.However, history and impatience are working against me. Regaled with daily horror stories, I cannot find peace. I have been lucky in the past, but doesn't luck always run out at some point? That is my fear, that I cannot change the inevitable. With closed eyes I see the future. Depending on my mood, the outcome changes. I have never needed perfection. I will take what I get and run with it and be happy for what I get. Whatever the outcome, we will all be fine, even stronger...maybe. It is not in me to give up when the fight is not my own. I'm not fighting for happiness or positive outcomes, for I have no control over the end result. I fight for time and I will fight to the death for every second I can offer, for every minute or day or week. I fight because I must, because only I can. I fight because that is all I can do.
Read more…
Nails clawing through shirttailsTrying to hold onDesperate not to let things changeFaceless people turn their backsGlasses shatter half fullOnly the empties remain
Read more…
Certain times of year there are things to be expected. For many reasons summer has become something to dread, and the list keeps growing. For it is this time of year when logic and sanity collide battling for space to occupy in my mind. As my thoughts waltz between form and function, the day crosses into night with barely a glance. The sounds that should bound with joy instead grind upon the the last thread this side of normal, whatever that is. The busy season is upon us. Busy for those who wheel and deal in those things. For those of us just outside the circle, we struggle to hold on to the little things. After all, it is just my luck that the busy season coincides with summer. For some there is no time for home, family, or anything that goes along with it, for others it is different. There is complete saturation with no escape in sight. The need to be free for even a moment begins to snuff out rational thoughts. The intermittent thoughtless moment is quickly pounced upon and filled with over analysis and self-doubt, about nothing really. There is no sleep and every action and thought is tainted by the overwhelming worry that everything can go wrong in an instant. Not that the thought is in the forefront of every minute of every day. However, when you have a moment in life that brings everything crashing to a halt, and circumstances that repeat themselves every year for an entire season, well, I suppose you would come to dread summer a bit as well. For now, all is well. Not too hectic thus far, but it is early yet. I'll lose my mind soon enough and by July I'm sure I'll be quite intolerable with this nonsense. But that will be then...and there is always a chance that this time will be different.
Read more…
The slightest whisper of the warmest touchThe breath of motion in the still of nightBlood rushes to the surface leaving fire in its wake,as it follows the slightest movement,the faintest touch, the longing for moreElectricity jumps the gapIntensity amplified by the exquisite acheStirring deep withinRadiating shock waves that tetherTwo becoming one
Read more…
Treasured moments lost in timeRelived in dreams or nightmaresTo wake with a longing long since passedTo sleep and be swept away to what was once forgottenPrevious happiness is remembered as holyNo anger, no sadness, no discontentIt is, after all, a dream of what wasImperfection is reality as it was back thenDreams sift out the ugly and unpleasantAll that is left is the sparkle of diamond dustTwinkling stars of a happy heartIt is not wise to judge today by yesterdayOr tomorrow by todayThe good is to be wrapped up and kept warmThe tarnished should be left to melt into nothingEach smile stored in a safe place to be called upon as neededToday's treasured moments are tomorrow's dreams
Read more…
Saddened by fear of the unknownFrightened for all that might beDrowning in the sludge caused by maybeFighting to ignore what they seeEveryone has an opinionWorries kept in closed fistTired of choking on the emptyMisunderstandings give way to be pissedStruggling to make sense of the senselessThe worst thoughts darken the mindDiscouraged by the time that's been wastedDistraction would be quite a find
Read more…
Every time the head turns something new is foundEach speck weighs heavily, infinitely more than the lastImmobilized by the lack of thought or wondermentNumbness begins in body and culminates in a foggy mindSuffocation under the thought that there is nothing elseYanked out of grasp yet slammed on the shouldersThe weight is cumbersome, yet born gladlyAll that can be done is doneTime tells all, yet does not always healRelaxing is not an option and trying highlights the failure to do soIt will come to an end soon enough
Read more…
Changing minds like running waterFuture plans disappear in the mistVenting the mind can weigh down othersYet once they're gone, they don't exist
Read more…
