thoughts - Blogs - w.a.s.t.e. central

I Am Stonehenge

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 21, 2010 at 5:00am

Looking down the barrel at the firing squad. A jumble of people thrown
together to forge some semblance of authority. Halfwits and maroons
across the board. Hurling negativity, like it will turn all sparkly
with the revelation that no one is perfect. Yet, perfection is not
sought. It is up to each person to do their own job and not seek its
completion by others. Bashing the youth as they stare them down, their
condescension burning in the souls of the clueless.

It is just beyond me how an inquisition of this magnitude was assembled
for something so seemingly trivial. Then, it is supposed to have been
up to me to "fix" things. These people got the wrong gal, especially
since I don't believe that there is anything broken. It was almost
laughable to see their expressions when I so graciously reminded them
that what they were asking of me was still under their job description.

Seriously, we all have enough to manage throughout the day. Did they
actually expect that a show of force would bully me into submission.
They could think or say what they want, but that doesn't mean that I'm
going to lie down and let them stomp on me with a smile. It will take
more than their boldfaced intimidation tactics to knock me down. Do
people actually cower to them? They must, or they wouldn't keep trying
to assert their assumed superiority.

Boy, if they think they are going to call me in there on a regular
basis, they are in for quite the fight. Once is more than enough for
me. Perhaps they should focus on solutions instead of bombarding
people with all the minuscule "problems" that really aren't even worth
the time of mentioning. Talk about being focused on the wrong thing

.

On Deaf Ears

Posted by PrttyBrd on January 26, 2010 at 4:14pm

Clouds roll in and thunder roarsTears, they fall in rageburning rivers down the faceOf the once innocentHumanity ripped from soulsThe heartless riseThe careless lingerWhat was once is no longerWhat should be, never wasIneffectual wordsCounting down to nothing

I See the Rain

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 19, 2010 at 5:40am

Gray skies and broken rain

Sliding down the windshield

A lifeline ever-changing

droplets, in contact they merge

Yet, some sit lonely, isolated

Only to be sucked into the paths of others

Left behind or swept away

As I sat it the parking lot watching the rain on the windshield, I wasreminded of how much it reminded me of people, of life. There are somedrops that sit stagnant, almost like they are afraid to move. They areoften alone. Though, at times they are grouped with others when,without warning, they separate as one joins the crowd and leaves theother longing. A little shove from one nearby and the journeycontinues. Sometimes there are many drops running alongside. Othertimes the seem so tentative that they could be motionless. They cantrickle slowly or rush to an unknown destination. Where there are twostreams nearby, it is difficult to tell if the larger will devour thesmaller, or if the smaller will draw life from the faster flow, thusreigning it in. It is never the same path twice. So many similaritiesand so many differences. It was beautiful and a bit sad. I'd still bewatching the drama unfold, had it not been for me getting swept away bythe crowd.

Midnight Ponderings

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 24, 2010 at 5:50am

Is there life to be breathed into a dream long since dead?
Is it too late to strive for what could still be?
If life's journey as pulled things far out of shape, can the path still be found?
Everyone is where they need to be, so then is it that what was meant to be is?
Does longing in the heart really mean that something is missing?
How can a void, however minuscule, be filled if no one knows how it came to be?
How important should one be made to feel?
If there is so much happiness in this place, why does it feel like someone else's life?
These days are good, but a little empty.
So is it better to have days that are full of bad?
If there is hope for more, does that mean that there will be more?
If you want it, but getting it might cause pain, should it be sought anyway?
When is it time to be top on the list?
In order to be on top, do others have to be pushed down?

Damaged

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 25, 2010 at 6:46pm

It's in the blood and taking over, this feeling undefined. Moving through veins like lightning. Taking sanity in burning bits and pieces. Trading hope for function. Stagnant and murky still seeking the sun. Time stands still as it rushes passed. The view eternally slightly askew seeing through those eyes. Tainted and etched with salted tears.

Broken down and cracked
There's no shelter to be had
Time and space collide

Nothing left. No hiding places. Exposed to the universe, alone just the same. Shoulders soaked through and soggy, gone to dry in the sun. Far away, the sun shines brightly for them. For those who think they are whole. For those who feel the fire, yet are not burned.

Sulfur in the air
A storm of brimstone ensues
Hell is found on Earth

Feared by all. Belonging to no one. Falling to the depths in isolation. Longing to be enveloped without fear. To feel warmth without heat. To be wooed without woe. To be naked, exposed, and free, no longer tethered by a past that was never meant to be. Scars should fade but are still found bleeding. The heart lies bare in exsanguination. The soul struggles to clutch the tiniest speck of heaven.

Like a broken wing
Mended hearts may not fly, but
Love can make it soar

A little stuck

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 23, 2010 at 3:39pm

Sitting here unmotivated and unmoving doesn't seem to be ending the world as I know it. Not that this is something that I plan on getting used to. It's just nice to know that if I don't feel like it, I don't really have to do anything. Unfortunately, it still feels like I really need to be doing something. I'm just not sure what that is right at this moment. So, I'm here wasting some time online and thinking about all the things I really ought to be doing, knowing full well that I won't be doing any of them. I think I'll finish that scarf I started and just in time for spring too.

Really?

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 1, 2010 at 5:30am

There is no way to prepare for the day that the reality of monsters lies squarely on your shoulders. It truly is profound, and there is no turning back time. One day in one split second, it will never be the same.

On the Horizon

Posted by PrttyBrd on May 23, 2010 at 3:41pm

Cold sheets on warm skin
Embers smolder deep within
Contemplation, undecided
Ruminating unrequited
Marble swirls, icy glare
Reflections of a lonely stare
Perfection personified, lovely face
Flawed and human, full of grace
Lashes long, strong full lips
Elegant hands, soft fingertips
Glide across in satin touch
Electric shock, it proves too much

Bad Friend, Better Mom

Posted by PrttyBrd on April 12, 2010 at 5:12pm

I've been thinking a lot about this family I was once close to. We have only spoken or seen each other a few times in the last couple of years. I love these people very much. A part of me would like to so much more of them. Unfortunately, a bigger part of me needs to shelter my children from all the drama. There are intermittent prescription pills involved, which saddens me. They have had help on many levels. I really do wish that I could be there for them, and I am as much as I can. I check on them and email them, but it is difficult to stop by. Their kids are out of control and they are stuck in a bad situation. I don't trust them around my kids because they can't trust themselves to be vigilant as adults around children should be. I miss them, the sober them. It is that side of them that is adored by me. The rest is too much. I feel guilty for not being who they can lean on through this. I used to be. It all changed when I saw her going through my husbands pain pills trying to sneak a new bottle into her pants. I was disgusted and heartbroken that she would do that, especially since my husband had just been in a severe accident and had three surgeries a week before. He might have needed those pills. As it turned out, we still have most of them in the back of the cabinet, since he is very stubborn and hates pills. But the fact that she did not consider his sever pain while trying to steal from us, well, that did it. I wish her the best. I pray for her kids. I keep in touch with people that I know who know them, and of course I email. But I can't be in that. It's not good for me and definitely not good for my children. I love these people, but I love my kids more. Still I have guilt. Even in the middle of all this, when she found out I was pregnant a ways back, she saved all her baby's stuff. I didn't need to buy anything but diapers and socks until he was four months old. I was very thankful. It was great and these people are very giving. They are just troubled. I think shame over the pill incident has kept them from seeking us out more regularly. I should reach out more. Fear stops me. I'm being a bad friend, but a good mom. Is there a way to be both. I feel like I don't have enough fun time with my kids as it is, so how would I justify leaving to visit them without the kids. I hurt and I pray for them.

Too much of a good thing?

Posted by PrttyBrd on March 15, 2010 at 12:20pm

I'm finding a little bit of quiet time to be quite disturbing. Which is odd, because I love quiet time. Perhaps it's because it is morning and half of them slept through the morning chaos. That means that it was calm and quiet for the first time in a long time. Now the day has begun and still, quiet. It's too much. Not looking for chaos, just a little background noise. Maybe I'll take a nap and when I wake up it won't feel like the twilight zone. Hmmmm, only one way to find out. Then again, I'll probably close my eyes just to be awakened by the normal loudness that lives here.

The Thought Alone

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 21, 2009 at 6:06pm

Cool breezes in blowing hairFeeling your skin growing cold in the airKnowing more than you thought you knewThinking of all you should never doIs it really that easy to do what you wantWhen there is a chance that the guilt can hauntThe conscience is strong but the will is weakSitting alone with a tear stained cheekWorried about what ifs is no way to liveLetting things go, it's so hard to forgiveNothing has happened, no plans have been madeSitting here crying alone in the shade

Makes no sense

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 17, 2009 at 4:27am

Through the thunder nothing is heardA shadow of a voice imprinted on the mindThe wind howls and masks their screamsCan one's own mind be trusted?Not in search of, but finding odditiesThings that seem senselessThey fill the crevices left in dreamsThere is no help for the silentMind tricks and slight of handSay the words and life is lightenedOne load at a time

Innards

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:15am

Why is it so easy to hate yourself, yet so hard to change what you find so loathsome? Is it fear of change, laziness, or a slow torturous mode of self-destruction? It’s curious how the very same things you despise in yourself don’t seem to bother you in others. If you hate your curly hair, you don’t mind curly hair on someone else. If you have bad skin, you don’t mind it on others. If you’re fat or skinny, none of these things stop you from talking to others with the same or similar issues. You don’t think less of someone because they have physical imperfections.So, why are you so quick to pass judgment on yourself? You have friends and people who love you. Why is it so difficult to believe in their feelings, to trust them despite your physical attributes? Could it be that those attributes are a subconscious attempt to conceal what you really abhor? If you “know” you are not worthy, then how can anyone truly believe you are? It’s only a matter of time before they come to the inevitable conclusion that they can all do better. Better looking, better everything. Why stay with someone they can’t stand the sight of? Is that it, or a part there of? If you repulse them physically, then maybe they’ll leave before they realize how pathetic you really are. Maybe, it’s a test. After all if they love you, won’t they love you regardless? Maybe you just really can’t stand this hideous farce your life has become, yet you feel so powerless that you have just given up on yourself. Perhaps the violent humiliation of the past is so prevalent in all you do, even all these years later, that it has caused you to do all you can to lessen the possibility of recurrence, in which case, the fatter the better, but at what price?When is enough, enough? When will you matter to yourself? Why continue to let the skeletons of your past control your life, and by extension the lives of those around you? Tell your loved ones and let them show you they still love you. Trust that you are strong and know that you deserve to like yourself. Give yourself a break. The bar is set too high and you have set yourself up for constant failure. Find what little thing you really want to do, just for you, reach that goal and then upgrade.Find your way back to you. Though it may be a long and arduous journey, it is a road long awaiting travel. Don’t waste the next eighteen years hating yourself for things that were never your fault. Unlock these chains that weigh you down. Summon some of that strength you use to forgive others and forgive yourself. You are worthy of so much more than that.I know it seems like all the good in your life is happening outside yourself, but take a closer look. Would any of it have happened without you? Don’t blame yourself for the bad and write off the good. They go hand in hand and the good wouldn’t be so good if there was no bad to judge by. Know that things will get better and that despite how it may seem, everything that goes wrong around you is not your fault. You are deserving of happiness. You are worthy of love, without doubts. Take pride in yourself and whatever you do, no matter how seemingly small the task. You are a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t let your mistakes define you. Rise above and learn to let go. It’s easier said than done, but the rewards for release are countless. Free yourself!

For those who didn't know

Posted by PrttyBrd on November 15, 2009 at 6:07am

Apparently human children can release a certain frequency that travels through the adult spine slamming into the brain with such force that it negates all sense of sympathy for the child emitting such a horrid screech.Sympathy and nurturing resume at normal levels once the sirens have been neutralized.By the way: This is also the birth place of gray hair and a very strong wrinkle antagonist.

Morning Again

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 12, 2009 at 11:21am

The black sky turns navy, turns blueIt is tomorrowToday is yesterdayYet it does not feel in the pastStill fresh, it lingersIt taints the morning with its unanswered questionsWith its thoughts weighing heavily in the airIt is hard to breatheBarely notice the rising sunRoosters crow in the distanceCold permeates the roomSeeping through the walls,Like the ghost of ChristmasChilled and AgedNot as fine as wineYet more than sour grapesMay the heavy head be cleared with the fog

A Day at Home

Posted by PrttyBrd on October 9, 2009 at 2:34pm

In the middle of the afternoonDeeply entrenched in a rutSurprised by the lingeringBy you hanging aroundTrudging through to the endProves difficult indeedNothing getting doneBeing watched in slow motionBeing pulled to other thingsYanked out of the rutJust to be thrown back in laterPlaying catch up is not funBut getting the eyeYes, it is a nice little surprise

All or Nothing?

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 12, 2009 at 11:08am

Trying so hard to reach a goalBaby steps feel like failureFailure turns into painPain begets more painStress dilutes happinessHappiness is fleetingA glance here and a smile therePerhaps it can melt away all the uglyPerhaps notWill the world end if things are left unfinished?Everything to everyoneIt all seems so realIs it?How can it be so?No one will run if it is left undone"No" is not a bad wordNo need to fearNo place to hideThe soul can be freeJust let it go

Lingering

Posted by PrttyBrd on December 20, 2009 at 7:15am

The faded dreams roll in with the darknessLike a whisper in the nightTransported to another time, another youSurrounded by those who used to love youBy those you will always loveHeartbreak and odium upon awakeningLost in the midst of then and nowKnowing what was meant to be isMourning all that wasn'tPreoccupied with the past, days seem heavyRidiculous waste of resourcesYet, it ebbs and flows like the tidesCreeping in, unwanted and unwelcomeThankful always for innocent mistakesGrateful that no one can read your mindMissing bits of who you wereWhile trying to love who you are

A Friend Indeed

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 18, 2009 at 8:26am

Unseen eyes and a voice unheardThe faith of a strangerStrength finds the holes and fills the gapsKind words give new meaningA friend, a true friendNo expectations and no regretsNo regrets?None at allTo be known from deep within and still be lovedYes, a "stranger" can feel like homeComfort is a welcome changeAppreciation without judgment or hidden agendas"Thank You", seems so contritePerhaps crashing to the ground on bloody knees,Grasping at the ankles of kindnessSobbing cries of gratitude through tears of reliefYes, that would doBut as the words begin to form"Thank You", is all can be is said

Beautiful and Blinding

Posted by PrttyBrd on September 17, 2009 at 10:20am

Stepping outOn stepping stonesCracked and ready to crumbleThe slightest pressure or lightest weightBring the depths instantly closerPlummeting to the unknownFacing the unwantedThe sunny sky turns tunnelTurns pinhead, turns blackVertigo, no sign to guideNothing to lean onNo way to track the bubblesAs the drowning ensuesSearing pain, like lighteningBlinds or enlightensA flash of what's to comeFor an instant there is tomorrowIn that instant hope renewsA hint of up or downA choice of directionA path to gloryA way of lifeAnd the sun will never be lost again

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