When the physical and psychological do not mesh, do things always remain stagnant?Longing to find a happy medium. All or nothing usually ends in nothing, ugh.
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Sorry I've been out of touch. Spring has bitten my hubby in the butt and now he's running around making plans to fix things around the house and I have to follow him making sure he doesn't break anything else. He was going to fix a wobbly step in front of the house, well, now we have no steps as somehow they broke. There's only two of them, but they weren't solid cement and now there is a hole where the top step used to be. Yeah, something that could swallow my two youngest ones. I'm not too happy about that. Anyway, after that fiasco I had to pretend to be attentive and bring him tea or lemonade every two seconds just to make sure he didn't tear anything else up. I get nothing done when that man is home, I swear!On the upside, I got some chicks! To be honest (this is going to sound awful) I got them as testers. I wasn't sure how my two youngest would handle them. So far, it's only the three year old that makes me worry. He's a bit rough. He might suffer as I did as a child and hold them until they "fall asleep". Can you believe that I was grown before I realized that in my youth, I loved so many chicks to death. I was mortified. So now, I watch the kids like a hawk and am trying to teach them. The four year old is like a chicken whisperer. They come flocking to him and just sit there with him. I've never seen anything like it.I'm all excited. I've wanted chickens since we moved out here some years back. I got a fancy egg incubator from a friend who never used it and a dozen fertilized eggs to hatch. I'm thrilled. Now, if hubby would just put the chicken pen back together I'd have nothing to complain about, hahaha. I won't bother him too much, he has about a month before the little ones are ready to be put in it anyway.
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The stress of the day has melted. It's amazing what the scent of home can do to calm your nerves. On a whim, I made some shrimp soup. It tastes, but more importantly smells, just like my Mom's. My house is filled with the aroma of my childhood. My mind is swimming with memories that have enveloped me like a hug. It turns out that it was just what I needed to come back to my usual and somewhat pleasant self. Not bad for my first time. Thanks Ma.
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Your face goes numb in the freezing rainYet you can no longer feel the coldFrozen to the spot it happenedLike you are physically unable to moveUnable to seek shelterUnable, or unwillingShattered hopes and startling surprisesThe truth beheld one afternoonThe mind struggles to make sense of itHow could your eyes see what your heart denies?How can your heart believe what your eyes have seen?Any step away from that spot is a step closer to homeCloser to confrontationCloser to the affirmation of painYou remain planted like a tree to the sidewalkThe rain camouflages the tearsThat contrast the hope that you are desperately longing to cling toPeople pass by paying no mindUnconcerned and unfeeling as you wish you were
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Blame it on bad timing or the weatherBlame it on traffic or your kidsBlame it on whatever is handyBlame it on someone elseBecause God forbid you see fault in yourselfTo be responsible for your own actions regardless of the outcomeThere are worse things in life than an honest mistake or bad choicesBut to be blind to the fact that they are choices you yourself madeOr to close your eyes and pretend that unforeseeable mistakes did not happenAnd seeing the outcome effect othersWell, that's just a weight not worth bearingSo man up and take the fall since it was you who stumbledDon't take anyone along for the rideYou will find that you won't be alone on your journeyBut that decision is yours alone to makeLiving in denial of self, with no trust and no heart will never lead to happiness
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Stepping into the lakeFeet get stuck in the sludgeSinking deeper and deeperWater is dark and muddy with the struggle for freedomThe water slowly covers allThe sun gradually eclipsed by the murky waterWhat an unforeseen turn of events while going for a swim
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Is cutting corners to save time worth the effort? There never seems to be enough time no matter what you do to save it. So I say spend as much as you can. Spend time with young minds and innocent hearts. Take the time to give that extra smile to make someone's day. A tiny bit here and there will not be lost, for so much is gained in those small yet giving moments. After all, when a bit of time is saved, it is usually spent doing nothing. so what was it saved for in the first place?
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Okay, so after minor surgery 2wks ago, a crazy weekend and quite a hectic week of just plain weirdness, I'm feeling a bit disconnected. To what, I'm not sure. It's like I reconnected to who I was a lifetime ago by some freakish twist of fate, and now I find myself looking at who I've become and only bits and pieces are seeming at all familiar. I worry about useless and unimportant details that always seem to work themselves out. I lose focus on the big picture, and in the process I overlook the fun in things. Never planned to suck the joy of things, but nonetheless, sometimes that is exactly what happens (followed by the inevitable guilt and self-reflection of course).The kids, are the oddest little people, all quirky and cute. The things I used to just accept as part of who they are have unintentionally become the focus of my current analysis. Don't really want to go down that road. Kids do things because they want to, too young to understand the intricacies governing politeness and good judgment. Happy just to be. Every other emotion is fleeting. I find myself a bit envious of that quality and seem to be searching for ways not to stifle that in them. Happy dances and squeals of delight at inopportune moments can be frustrating, but you can't help but smile at their freedom. A few days ago we stopped at this fast food joint. Healthy, I know. It was just the five of us when we got there. After the two littles were done eating (for the most part) they got the toy that we had kept hidden from them until they ate. People began filing in and the kids were bouncing in their seats screeching their excitement at the top of their lungs, which echoed in the mostly glass structure. We got strange looks from everyone. I busted out laughing. I couldn't stop, which only proved to fuel the kids boisterous laughter as well. When hubby asked me about my little fit of hysteria, I told him that I just realized that all the guys who walked in here seemed to be telling their partners that our kids are the reason they never want children. Yes, for that afternoon, we were those people and I didn't care. Usually I stress myself out trying to teach them decorum, but it's overrated. Who really cares about all these people that we will never know? They were just happy and sometimes happy is loud.I guess as much as it's my job to teach my kids how the world works and how to grow up to be the best they can be, they are teaching me (slowly but surely) how to unfurl all that is twisted and just let things be as they are. That is a very difficult lesson to relearn, especially for someone who somehow inadvertently grew up to be an extremely worried and slightly paranoid freak. I remember swinging as high as I could. So high that gravity almost took over at the apex just before the arc of the swing could catch up. And right at that moment of highest exhiliration, jumping off and landing as far away as possible, on my feet no less. I could do that all afternoon. Now, of course, if I ever got the nerve to swing higher than the bar and jump, it would end in certain death. Okay, at least certain hospitalization. And I could have a coronary just watching one of my kids jumping off a swing, at any height. I'm amazed at how things can change so much and you never even notice it happen.Anyway, like I said, I hardly recognize myself. I really have got to relax.
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Lost... lost in the miry clay that gathers at the foot of the mountain after the rain.The sun slowly dries and hardens the outer shell forming the thick protective coating.If one were to stumble across the stone the soft and very human core would be invisible.So eager to attack that mountain, yet the torrential downpour that plagued that journey could not have been predicted.One slip and even the greatest will fall.One slip and forever lost.Barricaded from the warmth of the sun within the cold, dark casing.Awaiting another storm, hoping to soften enough to crack the surface.Looking to escape the safety of the carapace.Hoping all is reversible and nothing lasts forever.
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So much locked within bubbling at the surfacePinholes of strain attempt to release pressureIts immensity can't be touched by a million such holesDesire to discard the cloak grows with every breathBut the fear of being unveiled and naked prevents itAs the molehills burn and the fires are extinguishedMountains emerge in silence, born of the forgotten ashesSmoldering embers give rise to the unfathomableGargantuan by comparison and seemingly unstoppableCan such enormity be reigned in,Or will trying be a harsh lesson in futility?Never give up or knowing when to do soHolding tightly or letting goTo analyze or forgetNo clear cut paths in the forest of self-destruction
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Memories of ballerina dreams, tap shoes, and tightsA child long since grownA woman in waitingForever fused to perfectionIn a broken mindSelf-induced pressure cooks the mindWhat is expected of you,Is not what you expect from yourselfYou think we think you're perfectYou have misjudgedyou have laid blame for your mistakesyou are still lovedHow can you be who you are,When you don't trust that we love whoever you becomeBad influences and fitting in.People are overratedLoved onceLoved alwaysWe are all but humanimperfect by designGive us a chance to understandyou'd be surprised
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Slipping further awayDeeper into the darknessBad choices and wrong turnsWeigh the anchor speeding descentPlastic smiles and crocodile tearsWhich is the mask?Where does the truth lie?Reaching down to offer a reprieveThere is no hand to graspHelpless, watchingTears burning as the light fades to nothingWhere is the fire that lit you from within?If you reach for me,I will always be there
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Fireballs of realization burn through to the soulSinged memories of liesSmoke filled sighs of reliefThe embers remain...smoldering deep withinBurning cheeks with the ensuing tearsTrust, so fragile is now crackedMolten bile churns to the surfaceShould it eat its way through or be suppressed?Can it be repaired or must it be rebuilt?Is it even worth the trouble?Don't speak the wordsLies speed destructionWhich will win in the fight to remain?The lies of the past and the truth of the present,Or the truth of the past and the lies of the present.All truth or all lies is just too easyPerhaps it is time that this is someone else's fight
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The days continue as if nothing ever happenedNothing has changed and no one has noticedA question of reality and a loose grip on sanityMomentary sadness and lethargic tendenciesOthers see what they want and believe the same wayLack of understanding or inadequate explanationsThey yield the same resultsNo help for the helplessBroken angels cannot fly, yet they are angels just the samePerfection is not sought for us by othersIt is not expected nor can it beChange will find a home everywhereThough it is not always what is wantedGrowth is painful more often than notPerhaps it is that very pain that feeds the growth itselfWhatever the experience, whatever the causeOnce loved truly, loved foreverTrust in those who remain
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How do we teach manners in a disrespectful and thankless society? We grew up learning "Do unto others...". But that only works well when others comply and compliance has never been society's strong suit. Generally speaking, children are sensitive, more so than adults anyway. So when you explain "Do unto others..." to your ten year old, you have to put in the stipulation that it doesn't matter what anyone else does or says in response to you, that the actions of others do not reflect on you, that you can only do what is right for you. Yet, in doing that, do we lose the ability to teach compassion and empathy for others? Is being polite and having any manners really that overrated? If we are teaching our kids to treat others like they would want to be treated, then when they say "good morning" and are answered with "Fuck You", should our kids then approach them the next morning with a smile and a bigger "Fuck You" since presumably that is how they want to be treated? Then again, FU is not in the good manners handbook, so they should not be saying it anyway (at least not at 10 yrs old).How are we to mend hurt feelings and build thicker skins while rearing our children to be polite and respectful and still encouraging them to do their best in all their endeavors? Sometimes it just feels, in this day and age, that everything good is wrong. So when others teach their children to push yours down and step on them to move ahead, how are we supposed to counteract that. I've changed my philosophy over the years from "there's never a good reason to fight" to "don't start it finish it". It's weird how things change the first time someone else's little brat lays a hand on your child. I now find myself trying to budget for Tae Kwon Do classes so that if anyone thinks they'll lay a hand on my kid, he'll kick their ass sideways and be done with it. I really don't advocate violence, not at all. But I can't have my kids bullied by the strength of the ignorant. They must be able to defend themselves against the violent tendencies of others, at least that's what I keep telling myself.If I keep thinking about this, I think I'll give myself an ulcer, ugh.
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Half an hour in darknessTurns into three in a heartbeatSilent but for the creakingThe wind howls and whispers its secretsNaked eyes of nothing, eternally watchingSounds amplified with closed eyesScreaming sounds of nature barring sleep from taking holdEluding its clutches and being yanked into the presentBy a branch against the window or a soft moan in the wallsShadows of memories of childhood nightmares scuttle across the sleepy mindWorn out nerves lead the way back to irrational dreamsFoggy movements of misshapen nothingGive way to muted colors of warmthThe wind whistles with icy breathThe mind wraps you in a warm blanket and slowly it becomes tomorrow
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Ever been blindsided by someones giant load of crap? I feel dumped on and beaten bloody. However, I refuse to fall. I will stand strong if I have to glue my feet to floor, just to punch him in the gut when realizes that he still hasn't won, figuratively speaking of course.I loathe adults who face their problems like children. Grow a set and deal with it face to face you big wuss.OK, it's out of my system. I can once again be the better person and let him continue to dig his own grave, though I will be happy to provide the nails for the coffin.
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So it is 4:30 in the morning over here, and I still can't sleep. Can't figure out what I'm stressed over either. Very odd. I don't think it's money or Christmas, I mean we all have struggles and you do the best with what you have and move on. This is a deep sense of foreboding. I'm getting very nervous about it actually. Y'see, my hubby works with fireworks. He leaves tomorrow for yet another boat parade. I hate them because there is an awful lot of explosives in a tiny workspace. But usually I'm fine. He is the safest person I know. Even so, due to manufacturing error, he was in an accident last year that scared the crap out of me. He's fine, but I've never been the same. Now, with this very unsettling feeling, I'm almost sick to my stomach. Boy, I can see that I'm going to be very cranky until I get that phone call after the show. I feel bad for my kids having to deal with me. I have two concerts, guitar lessons, and Cub Scout fundraisers this weekend. Unfortunately, I'll be pretty useless until I get that phone call.Holy crap I'm getting nervous! I don't get this way, I don't. If I did, I couldn't live with his job. The man is gone more often than he is home. Sometimes there are four shows in a week. It doesn't bother me. The fact that it is bothering me now is freaking me out more than I can find words for. Yeah, I think I liked it better when I couldn't figure out what it was. Now that I know, I wish I didn't.
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I am so moved I feel helpless. There is something profound in the openness of others. Bravery, if but for a moment, can be monumental to self and others. Deeply touched and wanting to embrace until the crying stops, until the pain disappears. Unable to help.Everyone has pain. For some, it is blatantly harsh. For others, so subtle they don't even know they are broken. These things have a way of popping up at the most inopportune moments. To put it out there for the world, to be that honest with yourself leaves me in awe. It is easy to hide behind twisted words and obscure references to ones personal horror. To be understood in theory only, not ever realizing the depth of the unseen injuries inflicted by a past that you're longing to forget.Ah, to be free enough to accept it as part of you. To no longer be a victim, to release its hold and be able to move on with everything. To forgive and let go. That is what I find enviable. It is something I am, as yet, unable to do. It is all in the perception. But the thoughts bring so much fear and pain that I don't want it to be a part of who I am. I understand that by fighting it, it's hold becomes stronger and evermore entrenched within me. Yet, to accept it, seems like I am embracing it rather than letting go. Perhaps I must do one to enable myself to do the other. Is it always that way?There are lessons learned in others' pain, in their joy, and in their examples. If it moves you, good or bad, then you walk away with something. Sometimes, what seems like nothing, will change you forever.I am disturbed, and very thankful.
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Okay, so I was listening to Erasure today while trying to clean my house. I say "trying" because with a house full of kids, three cats, and a husband who is like a tornado, the house just never seems clean, but I digress. As i was dancing around like an idiot singing at the top of my lungs to "A Little Respect", it occurred to me that this would be an interesting cover choice for RH. After all it comes complete with falsetto and everything. How fun would that be?Any thoughts? Do share.
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