apollo

The plaid experience of a cat’s ninth life,
concluding nothing: the purple crayon box

was either a blue or red facsimile of my 
uncle’s barn past the dyke, the pond,

the field of dumb flowers, maples 
and crows pecking at the floodgates

above a yellow ditch of limestone
that keeps itself nearly parallel

to the two-headed fence of cattle wire,
which stretches out for this parable;

meanwhile, facing the plaid stain 
of myself among Hieronymus’s

foolish yolk of vox-mouthed louts 
and yodelers; feeling as bogus,

knotted brown and heavy as a stilt-legged dug-

out or dumbbell beneath the matador’s hood.

Oh how is that not sensitive? 
Oh that crooked yellow stump

again (?) I wonder who tripped over the gumball first, 
blazing through the helium warmth–among the catch

weeds and goosegrass. Like a little mustard 
seed or red engine red that couldn’t stop

toking past the pink mouth of the mound that Watt 
stepped off towards his own glassy skull of Gol-

gotha. It happens all the time, whistling for 
an attic’s length of rope; the trigger’s acquittal

of a banjo snaking through its revolving door 
of strychnine: then the kind glass of milk, ending

a cat’s ninth life; that while, towards the crowded sunset, 
you’re still thumbing your nose, on one of god’s donkeys.

 eh_thursday, March 16. y'17

When you see back time you can see what was in your mind.

How naive we were.

Now that time has pass, we see what we had was a lot. 

i regret yes i do.

if i could change something i would..

but.. can't 

so... i will see you in the next life.

some days it guts me to know i won't be a father.

some days it guts me that i'll never write another hard rain's gonna fall.

some days it guts me to wonder if.

some days i want to make cocktails for everyone.

some days i wanna do wrong.

some days i don't wanna care.

some days being politic is dreadful.

some days being lonely feels good.

some days being loved hurts.

back to lulu. back to i want another life.

it wears me out.

FIFTY-SIX knows...

the guy at a motel in green river wyoming reading jimmy corrigan.

i want to, i want to be someone else

i'd move to berlin and make people coffee.

that's what i'd do.

TOO MUCH GUILT

THE TRUTH WILL MESS YOU UP

This is how it starts

This is how it ends

right?

right.

oof

missing in action

missing inaction

what to do what to do

she's a swimmer

diving in

dripping wet

toweling off

she dives in again

stretched

snapped

broken

she dives in again

climbing

suspension

disbelief

the water's cold

are those sharks?

dry land

safe distance

boring boring

play politics

keep quiet

slowly crumble

just missing now

vacant staring

are those sharks?

real or imaginary

doesn't matter

anymore

make it matter.

forevermore.

There'll be time to get by to get dry after the swimming pool
There'll be time to just cry I wonder why it didn't work out
Therell be time to fish fry this letter is by yours truly
Yours truly

Now someone in my dictionary's up to no good
I never find the very special words I should
So I have another party with a water glass
And I sit on all your actions it's a birthing game
And I'll bet he needs a shower cause he's just like me
I know the soldiers in the painting I know your secret face
Well your parrot told me just how I can make you smile
Gonna let you do your thinking if you need awhile
But what I gave you made him get mad
A little bit funny how a thing like that
Could travel from one mouth in through another
And the next thing you know you gotta hear it from your brother and
The words they sting like a stump of old wasps
Remember when I said go throw that rock in there
And we ran through the woods to your good house
You forgot about the things that he could say like
I don't think that I like you anymore
Well I found new feelings at the feeling store
And I can't find you at our kissing place
And I'm scared of those new pair of eyes you have

So I duck out and go down to find the swimming pool
Hop a fence, leave the street and wet my feet I'll find a swimming pool
Cause when I'm snuffed out I doubt I'll find a swimming pool
Hop a fence, leave the street and wet my feet I'll find a swimming pool

But I don't wish that I was dead
A very old friend of mine once said
That either way you look at it you have your fits
I have my fits but feeling is good
Confusions not a kidney stone in my brain
But if miscommunicated do we feel the same? 
Then either way you look at it you'll have your fits
I have my fits but feeling is good

You gotta give a little you gotta get a little bit

I...

I have of late,—but wherefore I know not,—lost all my mirth art, forgone all custom of exercises expression; and indeed, it goes so heavily oddly with my disposition that this goodly frame aging body, the earth me, seems to me a sterile promontory an unknown and seemingly new person.

What did you see there?

making movies with my friends, skateboarding up and down the block, cycling on country roads and through small towns, playing role-playing games, being a member of the local swim team, jumping off the third deck, playing lazer tag, student council, making popcorn for intermissions, touring plays to libraries, dominating Europe through Diplomacy, participating in YMCA Soccer and Flag Football, playing with cars, creating elaborate scenarios with action figures, going to country music jamborees, camping in Colorado, bit by a cat behind the pepsi machine, snowball fights, kick the can, lighting matches in the closet, pouting over tennis shoes, wearing generra, performing at renaissance festivals, collecting comic books, basketball in the neighbor’s driveway, buying the yearly xmas ornament, driving too fast through small towns, exploring the parks of wilderness outside of town, losing a shoe forever in the creek behind the house, frequenting video game parlors, going to the zoo, watching soaps while out sick from school, going home for lunch, graduating from cub scouts to boy scouts, nachos on christmas eve, making mix tapes, hanging out on Saturdays at the indie record store, starting a political party at school, nature walks, having a crush, making up my own players and teams on Playmaker Football, putting puzzles together on new year’s day, building a group of superheroes with legos,  creating a comic book with said group of superheroes, building houses of cards on the living room floor, mowing the lawn, shoveling the sidewalk, reading books in the sun room, making out by the lake, acid in the woods, dreaming under the stars and mountains while foi na cruz plays on the walkman, imagining myself as luke skywalker, indiana jones, and marty mcfly, birthdays in Memorial Stadium, opus in his tent, patting my lap and having Shadow come running

_____

i think about death a lot now.  

receding

receded

recession

spin spin spin

where is it going.

where does it end.

one more slip.

one more push.

blindness.

(work. eat. sleep.

work. eat. sleep.

work. eat. sleep.

death.)

think of me then.

think of me then.

as i will think of you.

shining up above.

shining all around.

carrying on.

going forth.

laughing in that bar.

smiling in that park.

thinking of what was.

and what was.

just a story to be told now.

like it wasn't even you.

but now.

now

is all awake.

i think you're crazy

maybe

it's just me.

when i was in school, i used to study religion. it was a crappy class, because of the pointless hour we were spending. learning again and again about orthodoxy -cuz this is what it actually was, not something interesting <for example religion's history>.religion can be a very interesting subject if you know how to put it in the eyes of your audience. religious dogma is a philosophy, and, if you don't have any clue of other types of philosophies, is pointless to call others ignorant.

anyway, there was this time when the teacher managed to create a more vivid reaction from my fellow colleagues, as i am naturally half asleep and the other half somewhere in the cosmos of my own imagination, and i was pretty much the same at that time. she <the teacher> put the question:"what will you do if today, at 7pm jesus will come on Earth?". no reaction, of course. she told us to write the answer on paper. i can't recall my own answer, but, probably i was hungry at the moment and, as 7 pm was close, i said i'll eat some maccaroni and cheese, or whatever my mum was kind enough to provide. others, ze believers, said they go to greet him<with capital h on their papers>, others that they won't be at home at that time, because the bus will still be taking them home, so jesus better find another hour to pop on Earth. etc.

the teacher seemed unhappy with our answers. what? what's wrong with macaroni? than she takes a deep breath and say:"if jesus comes on Earth again, it means THE END OF THE WORLD, dummies!" oh. shit! we're such ignorants!the end is coming and we are still on the bus?

of course, that's not the way the things really happen. well, not literally. thinking at the fact that this planet is bursting into curses against us, in its own way, and we continuously ignore the signals, it's pretty low for the human being who claim they're smarter and more capable than the rest of the fauna and flora we share the world with, to keep stretching the borders of cheeky behavior against our own home.

and we are indeed more capable. no other specie sabotaged themselves like we did. and still do.

so when the glaciers are melting, polar bears start disappearing, it's the end of the world dummies!

I’m sorry that I’m late
I went blind
I got confetti in my eyes
I was held up at yesterday’s parties
I was needed on the congo line

But my dear, oh my dear
I’d like to fight the good fight for another couple of years
‘cause to say the war is over is to say you are a widow

You’re not a widow yet!
You’re not a widow yet!
You’re not a widow yet!
You’re not a widow yet!

So this one’s for the critics and their disappointed mothers
For the cupid and the hunter shooting arrows at each other
Ain’t no such thing as a saint,
Ain’t no such thing as a sinner

There’s a swan among the pigeons of Barcelona’s floor
There’s a Samson with Delilahs lining up outside the door
If you are sharpening your scissors
I am sharpening my scissors,
And I am sharpening my sword
So you can take me to the dragon’s lair
Or you can take me to Rapunzel’s windowsill
Either way it is time for a bigger kind of kill…
A bigger kind of kill.

Oh I see your face when I close my eyes
Oh I see the muscles in your legs from the way you always rise
To the occasion of catching things that fall
Like the statuettes on pedestals I tend to build too tall.
But I have navigated Iceland
I’ve laid my claim on Portugal
I have seen into the wasteland
Oh the future
Oh the future of us all.

i kicked up a whole country
of dead, dead leaves last fall
i kicked up a whole country
of dead, dead leaves last fall
Dead leaves
Dead leaves
Dead leaves
Dead leaves

Seen from the back of a train
I rode away from your station
They drifted in the air
Like memoirs of old conversations
Sprung from a leather case
You opened in the wind
To watch the papers chase each other
Into oblivion

(You’re such a champion
You’re such a champion
I hide behind your sun
You are the champion)

So you can take me to the dragon’s lair
You can take me to Rapunzel’s windowsill
Either way it is time, oh it is time
For a bigger kind of kill…

A bigger kind of kill

-Dragon's Lair from Dragonslayer by Sunset Rubdown

she followed me home from that crap crichton film.

(i had hurt her several years earlier.  she was younger.  i was doing the right thing.  but still.  it was hard.  on my bday no less.  but.  these are the decisions we sometimes make.)

i parked the car in the little gravel lot and went inside.  two minutes later there was a knock at the door.  and there she was. standing in my doorway. with a little smile, a little wave, and a little "hi."

(it's not like we didn't see each other.  we did.  for a while.  but then.  well.  we were pulled in new directions. which was kind of the point in the first place.  to be pulled in new directions.  or at least go if we wanted.)

punched in the gut i was.  it had been some time since i had seen her.  it was the summer before i moved away.  never to really return.  and it was after.  well:  done unto me as i done unto her.

(she was my first.  not that first.  the better kind of first.)

she said she saw me downtown.  had been thinking about me, decided to surprise.  and surprise she did. wanted to come in.  wanted to talk.  of course...

(i don't know if i'd been thinking about her.  years later i was.   i lost track of her for many many years.  heard vague things.  nothing concrete.  found her eventually.  sent the e off, got a reply- vague, travelled, distant.  a touch mysterious.  i replied in kind.  then nothing.  nothing at all.)

i introduced her to my roommate who kindly excused himself.  she looked good.  but like a kid sister. not a. we talked a bit.  her in the chair in the corner.  me on the couch.  comfortable.distance.  weird - her in my "apartment." out of place.  we weren't at that stage back then.  of having apartments.  all finished basements and backseats and curfews.  she was relaxed.  i wasn't.  nervous. as i was generally. (and probably still am.) she asked - shall we go for a drive. out to the lake.  and then i started getting more nervous.

(after saying "sure" in as "whatever" kind of way possible.  i excused myself to the bathroom where i prompty puked.)

we got in her car.  the accord.  she had pulled up and parked right behind my car.  her front nestling against my back.  and we drove out in the darkness to the lake on the other edge of town.

(it should be obvious by now - this is something we sometimes did.  not just this lake but many.  in town or out in the country.  drive out and park.  in fact.  it's where it all ended.  by a lake.  out of town though.  not the one we were headed to.)

we parked and went off for a walk on the dam.  i think i smoked.

(i did that then.  but not before.  not around her.  oh no.)

which was awful but i was so jangly.  nervy.  we walked the length and walked the length back.  talked and talked.  where were we going.  what was this.

(i probably knew but  didn't.)

we drove back to the apartment.  it was late now and talked more.  she talked of her boyfriend.  we talked of the gift he gave her.

(we had a thing.  started on our 6 month.  i gave her a bead for every month together.  she loved it.  she loved the necklace it became.  

she earlier told me that winter while on an out-of-town trip, it snapped in the snow. shear panic had set in and she plunged in trying to get them all.  she couldn't.  some months were gone.  she could tell you which bead was what month.  thought she didn't tell me which months were lost.)

a waterford crystal clock.  that's what he gave her.  a college freshman giving another college freshman a waterford clock as a present.  and she looked at me when she said it.  she looked right into me.

and then it was clear why she was there.  and i think i wanted to.  i think i did.  but i didn't.  i couldn't.  i was going.  she was...going.  somewhere.  somewhere she probably didn't want to go.

and she left.  and i watched her go.  watched her get into the blue accord.  and drove off.  never to see her again.

(until K---- S---- would like to be Added As Your Friend)

Well.  Hello.

...drips in saudade...

...fixed in my head...

...don't ever leave...

......... never............

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Open up a beer
And you take it over here
And play a video game

I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown

I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games

He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

(Now you do)

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do