she followed me home from that crap crichton film.
(i had hurt her several years earlier. she was younger. i was doing the right thing. but still. it was hard. on my bday no less. but. these are the decisions we sometimes make.)
i parked the car in the little gravel lot and went inside. two minutes later there was a knock at the door. and there she was. standing in my doorway. with a little smile, a little wave, and a little "hi."
(it's not like we didn't see each other. we did. for a while. but then. well. we were pulled in new directions. which was kind of the point in the first place. to be pulled in new directions. or at least go if we wanted.)
punched in the gut i was. it had been some time since i had seen her. it was the summer before i moved away. never to really return. and it was after. well: done unto me as i done unto her.
(she was my first. not that first. the better kind of first.)
she said she saw me downtown. had been thinking about me, decided to surprise. and surprise she did. wanted to come in. wanted to talk. of course...
(i don't know if i'd been thinking about her. years later i was. i lost track of her for many many years. heard vague things. nothing concrete. found her eventually. sent the e off, got a reply- vague, travelled, distant. a touch mysterious. i replied in kind. then nothing. nothing at all.)
i introduced her to my roommate who kindly excused himself. she looked good. but like a kid sister. not a. we talked a bit. her in the chair in the corner. me on the couch. comfortable.distance. weird - her in my "apartment." out of place. we weren't at that stage back then. of having apartments. all finished basements and backseats and curfews. she was relaxed. i wasn't. nervous. as i was generally. (and probably still am.) she asked - shall we go for a drive. out to the lake. and then i started getting more nervous.
(after saying "sure" in as "whatever" kind of way possible. i excused myself to the bathroom where i prompty puked.)
we got in her car. the accord. she had pulled up and parked right behind my car. her front nestling against my back. and we drove out in the darkness to the lake on the other edge of town.
(it should be obvious by now - this is something we sometimes did. not just this lake but many. in town or out in the country. drive out and park. in fact. it's where it all ended. by a lake. out of town though. not the one we were headed to.)
we parked and went off for a walk on the dam. i think i smoked.
(i did that then. but not before. not around her. oh no.)
which was awful but i was so jangly. nervy. we walked the length and walked the length back. talked and talked. where were we going. what was this.
(i probably knew but didn't.)
we drove back to the apartment. it was late now and talked more. she talked of her boyfriend. we talked of the gift he gave her.
(we had a thing. started on our 6 month. i gave her a bead for every month together. she loved it. she loved the necklace it became.
she earlier told me that winter while on an out-of-town trip, it snapped in the snow. shear panic had set in and she plunged in trying to get them all. she couldn't. some months were gone. she could tell you which bead was what month. thought she didn't tell me which months were lost.)
a waterford crystal clock. that's what he gave her. a college freshman giving another college freshman a waterford clock as a present. and she looked at me when she said it. she looked right into me.
and then it was clear why she was there. and i think i wanted to. i think i did. but i didn't. i couldn't. i was going. she was...going. somewhere. somewhere she probably didn't want to go.
and she left. and i watched her go. watched her get into the blue accord. and drove off. never to see her again.
(until K---- S---- would like to be Added As Your Friend)
Well. Hello.
