"(Fortsetzung:Flackernde, kurze Sätze,die eine Montage sind)(Fortsetzung:Kurze Montage,flackernd und Springend durch Wörter und Bilder)"Rolf Dieter Brinkmann
As a child, you can't wait to grow up to never have to do chores. You never expect that chores can run together like melted ice cream and take over existence in its entirety.
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hey its me travisthings are looking down man im too miserable to look people in the eye and instead stare at my boots and see pieces of sky between them because im falling down from a great height and if i open my mouth to complain i'll just vomit everywhere.i called daisy and she didnt want to talk. i asked her if she was sick, because we'd fought last time we met. she punched me in the head and bruised me and she said you were a jackass and you deserved it i really hope you get gangrene you fuck. i hung up and walked down the hallway.at table, he took a huge bite of vanilla icecream and then looked up at me. i was staring. he winked and slowly licked it off his lips and fingers, his eyes locked with mine. i couldnt help imagining.... i had to leave the table. he knows.
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Well I've made a decision. I've been studying for my BSN, but I had a big change of heart recently. Well, acutally I've wanted to do it since I was little, but I kind of let my practical side take over somewhere along the way and didn't think I could do it anymore. But now that it seems like a possibility again, I'm willing...I'm driven to do everything I can to made it happen.I'm going to get my BSN, but within a year to two after (probably two, so that i'll have more experience to show off and plenty of time to prepare for the test) - I'm going for med school. I think I can do it. MUSC has a good program and they're not wrapped up in having specific pre-reqs and pre-med majors. They're looking for a more rounded app (and not to mention, i'll have clinical experience by that point); though me taking some of the normal pre-reqs for other med schools will probably help. If it were just over the MCAT, I'd do self study (I was a homeschooler so that would work fine for me, I'm used to it), but for app purposes - the extra effort of taking classes will look good. Its a long shot. I know its extremely difficult, but its something I really want to do, and to be honest - something I need to do.The last few months, I've been sickened by these other students who are attending - I've been reading the work from my fellow classmates, and christ - people can't even write! I feel like I have to translate to figure out what they're saying, I mean some of these people sound like they never even got through grade school grammar! I've honestly heard six year olds who speak better, just without a few of the fancy words. And they're passing through college just fine! Probably with all c's, but they still get the degree! People are knocking off from classes all the time so they can go play with their friend's new dog.I, on the other hand, am busting my ass trying to get the top grades, perfect attendence so that I know what they hell I was supposed to learn that day, graduate quickly, be one of the youngest in my class, and get every honors I can! And sure, it'll give me a bit of an edge on nursing applications, but god, its not like there's a shortage of nursing jobs! In the long run it won't make that much of a difference over someone who graduated several years older, in five rather than four years time (as most nurses at my college do), missed every class they could, with c+, maybe b average, never did any extra work, or got into and completed any honors programs. I was just starting to wonder why the hell i'm putting myself through the hassle when i'm not really getting much for it. And more than that - there's some room for promotion and academic/professional growth in nursing, sure, but theirs still a point when you're going to hit the ceiling in that job whether or not you have more potential or desire for more. in the end, that c average, given enough time, will get just the same amount of achievement as you. why the hell try? Its overkill!But now that I'm going for med school, i have a reason to try. My efforts will actually further me along in my knowledge and what I can accomplish. I really need a career that's going to let me go as far as I can, and I don't mean financially. For christ sake, I think 35k+ is enough for a young single woman to live off of - if that was all there was to it I'd stay a nurse, I'm not a money-greedy person. I was poor for too long to be able to respect people who feel that they need such excessive amounts of money. I'd be dissapointed the rest of my life, I think, if I didn't do something, if I just threw away the opportunity. I was trying to find something like that in nursing, like the international nursing jobs where you get to travel from country to country every 3 to 6 months. But that was about the biggest thing I could do. I'm not the kind of person to just happily settle into the 9-5 job as long as it pays the bills. And I also know that if I can find something i like, I could easily be a workaholic - something valued in the medical profession. The bottom line is that I want a career in the health field, I've always stuck with that even after I gave up my aspirations of becoming a doctor years ago. But I need to know what I can do, and with an md, potentially a md/phd later down the line, i only get stopped when I've hit my limit.Now that I've decided I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel completely happy with what I am doing for the first time. I was almost there with nursing, but I always felt somewhat held back, missing something. I know I can do this, I have to do it.
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In the vein of what Radiohead's trying to promote, I found this website today:Walk ScoreYou can type in an address to calculate a 'walkability' score for your neighborhood, or a potential neighborhood you're thinking of moving into. It's based on how many amenities like groceries and banks and whatnot are nearby. Right now it doesn't factor in public transit, since it's based on info found on Google Maps, and it only works for US, Canada and UK addresses (though the non-US data is not as accurate), but what a cool way to promote a less car-dependent way of thinking!
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WHOA IT'S OFFICIAL!(Cos of I have plane tickets!)ALL POINTS BOARDIES!Jul 4-6 New York CityHere's the list so far, and more will certainly be added:JennboobAnniezBradleyboxJoshie (is doodz cos of no wasteface, but we love him anyway)MikeyCathJack!Jason! is going to try to attend, but he's at least going to send Dena with some kind of note for us.Dillon says he can't, even though we have already bought a dress for him!I am going to get Eric to come somehow. Maybe I can play the lottery and win some money to buy his plane ticket. Maybe the cookies I sent him are working...Stebe thinks Josh is gonna buy his ticket to APB, cos of Josh makes A good money. Problem with that is that Stebe isn't on the list and the tickets are free!!Johanna just added!!! YAY!Eti said maybe maybe :DHarri is gonna work something out! I have faith in him.Andy wants to come, so we gotta find him some cheap plane tickets. Wait, I think we gotta find a lot of people cheap plane tickets...who knows a travel agent??DJ said he might come - awesome!Nat is also coming, but she's a doodz - just warning ya.If you are coming and you're not on this list, then tell me! And sorry if I forgot anyone, I'm a doodz sometimes.The only thing planned so far is the biergarten on Saturday. When we have more plans, I will update this, but I have a feeling there won't be many more plans, cos of we're doodz.More plans - BBQ is prolly on Friday. Vote for what you want to eat on the BBQ Poll. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then ask Jenn cos of she's always around. We're gonna have watermelon!!!*Update* Tickets to APB are not available on StubHub, so don't even try!
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Push and try your hardest..........Emotion has left. I don't care anymore. Do as you will. Live out your dreams. Beautiful. Looking from a distance. Too scared to do anything. Pathetic. Worthless. Undeterminable. Lost. You stare through the walls, hoping for your saviour, the answer. A Joke? How can. This. Have an answer. Because of this realisation, you're angry. You walk around, destroying, killing, being, God. It makes you feel like you're in control. When your fate has been decided. They know what you're going to do. You don't solve anything. You're part of the problem. You're part of the system. Cry. No-one cares. Feelings disjointed and broken off.Untie me from this repeat. Continuous drone. Overwhelming boredom. Overwhelming pain. Overwhelming dissapointment. No fun whatsoever. Somehow, this has helped me to realise. But should I realise? Pain overcomes me. Welcomed with glee. A product of an exchange of energy. A product of thought. A product of movement.It helps to understand more clearly how I can replace my own being with the vacant stupidity I adore in you.
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greetings, w-a-s-t-e-rels!i hope this message finds you well. i'm trying to flesh out the start of a novel at the moment and it's going about as well as such things usually go. in other words, like giving birth through your nostrils.don't write, if you can possibly avoid it. it's a path towards frustration, no matter how good (if you get anywhere near good) you may become. that's some free advice. my work colleague, who is far, far cooler than me, gives out advice like;"the new five pence piece makes an excellent, impromptu coke-spoon."but i'm wa-aaay too uncool to even know what that means. besides, my socially aware, vegan, ethical principles would be rendered moot if i supported that particular industry.another good piece of advice is to never eat peanuts when sitting on the toilet. it'll end horribly.writing is a constant process of looking for an excuse to reward oneself with coffee and toast, hey! i've written a paragraph! time for a cuppa, i can always get back to writing later....i'm talking about my "real" writing here, the torturous process of over-thinking everything to the point of ruining it, trying to control the impossible - the reaction and interpretation by an unknown third party. the reader. another good piece of advice is not to tie your psyche and self-esteem to a mast entirely made of external factors, like the subjective opinions of others, or commercial "success". there's nothing but trouble along that road. be happy in yourselves, dearest friends and w-a-s-t-e-rs!then buy all of my books...that's why i like these blogs, dear friends, i just type nonsense as it comes into my head. no need for grammar (or even capital letters!) whatsoever, never mind plot or theme. this is probably the reason why these are often better than my "real" writing. there's a horrible thought. oh, the imagined problems of the put-upon artist!i'm so tortured, blues singers come to my flat when they have writer's block.whoops! there i go again. i swear, i need liposuction for my big, fat mouth...regular readers (yes, you madam) will be delighted to know that the lovers in my work are well. the bloke has started speaking to me and trying to be terribly nice. perhaps he's worried i will whisk away his girlfriend (see previous blogs for details) who, fortunately, has gone back to doing her best rain-man impression in my company. those of you who have inspected my profile in detail will be aware that i'm never going to be mistaken for johnny depp but, tragically, these bizarre romantic incidents always blow up in my face.some random married woman tried to pull me at the bus stop last week, seriously. my best friend and associate, THE LEGEND, perhaps put it best when he said;"you used to be a fanny-magnet, now you're just a fanny."THE LEGEND is currently upset because i laughed at his request for assistance in buying a blueberry. he meant a certain brand of personal electronic organiser. maybe i'm the only one who thinks that's funny?i'm off to the deli tomorrow, to buy a blackberry muffin...back to work it is, then. remember, i love you all. and, at the end of the day, love and hope are all we truly have.even that sounds like a bon jovi lyric.i love you,steve x.
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